We have another powerful story to share from a woman who is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who has experienced the pain of having a husband with a sex/pornography addiction, and who has also experienced the hope and peace that comes from Christ’s healing power. Recovery is possible. There is hope!
If you were to ask me fifteen years ago how pornography would affect my life, I would have been puzzled and maybe wondered if you were a little bit crazy. As an active LDS woman with high standards in the media I viewed, pornography was the last thing I ever expected to have a serious impact on my life. I was completely unprepared for the collision with pornography that shattered my formerly sheltered existence. In fact, there were few things that would have a stronger impact on my life and family.
Katie shares some of how she found out that her husband had a pornography addiction, something she couldn’t have imagined affecting her world. [In truth, whether we realize it or not, this probably does affect someone we know, whether friend, family member, church associate, work associate…. Which is one reason we’re so grateful for people like Katie who share their stories to help us all understand addiction and recovery better.] She shares how truth about his addiction unfolded over time. How he’d been struggling with this since his teenage years. [This is often very true of those who struggle with addiction…it often starts younger than that.]
Read the impact that his pornography addiction had on her, and on him. If you are a woman going through this trial, you will likely relate to much of what she shares — the shock, the struggle, the questions for God, the confusion, the efforts to try to fix the problem, and then the realization that she couldn’t fix it. Read how she learned to trust the Spirit and get answers for her situation, and how she was able to find her own healing through a 12-step recovery program for loved ones of sex addicts (S-Anon). Read about the impact that process had on their marriage (some of the impacts might not be what you would expect). Read where they are now, and how her faith in God has helped her find healing, hope, peace, and recovery. Through this experience, she writes that
I developed a stronger relationship with God and learned to trust in God and depend on Him–not my husband, my therapist or even my church leaders. I became willing to do whatever God asked, no matter how difficult it seemed, even if it meant risking an outcome I didn’t want.
She notes that recovery is a lot of work, and requires a lot of support and help.
We have both made significant life changes to make room in our lives for recovery. These are long-term life changes, not just temporary fixes. There is no 6-week program or even 1-year program to recovery. Early recovery has been the equivalent, time-wise, of a part-time job….This may sound extreme to some–it did to me too. But I spent 10 years trying to find an easier, “less extreme” way to recovery without success. Nothing worked and we nearly lost our marriage and family.
She talks about the impact that pornography addiction has on spouses, and on how she’s learning to be patient with the process of recovery:
“Living with this addiction causes serious trauma in the spouse and it takes time to recover. Recovery is very similar to having a major surgery. I am one of those people who tries to bounce back and be back to normal within a few days, but it just doesn’t work that way. It takes time–a lot of time–and slowing down to let yourself heal. For me it took close work with a sponsor, regular S-Anon meetings, working the 12 steps, extensive specialized counseling and a lot of slowing down and allowing myself time to heal. This was a major reset of expectations for my perfectionist self.”
As the woman from last week’s post, this Mormon woman shares some of the other things she has learned from this process: Pornography use is a serious problem.
“For a long time I thought that the only reason this bothered me is because I am a prudish, sheltered Mormon girl. In my S-Anon meetings I have met people of all faiths and backgrounds who have been equally hurt by pornography…. Pornography use is harmful.”
Other insights include: Although a spouse cannot ‘make’ her husband choose it, knowing what true recovery looks like can help her be aware of her situation. Recovery is more than just a reduction in “acting out.” True recovery includes sobriety, honesty, humility, and willingness to seek help. Through her own recovery work (yes, wives need to do their own recovery!) , a wife can learn to trust her instincts, draw boundaries, and recognize what recovery looks like in her husband and in herself. But mostly, she can learn how to lean on God to help her through this hard time.
God will help along the way. Peace is possible, regardless of the outcomes.
The thing that I valued more than anything else was my marriage and family. It was very difficult to realize that no matter how hard I tried, I could not control whether my husband chose recovery or my marriage survived. What I can do is to seek God’s will for my life and do my best to do His will, one day at a time. Even now, I have no guarantees, but I trust that no matter what happens, God will take care of me.
Be sure to read the whole essay. We’ve only captured snippets here. Thanks to the people at Rowboat and Marbles for letting us know about this story.
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You can also read other stories of hope, healing, and recovery.
If you are a wife facing this trial right now, and would like to connect with other women who are also walking this path, see this (unofficial) forum for LDS wives of men who struggle with sexual addiction or compulsive pornography use.
* This post has been edited from the original.
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