We received this question from one of our readers:
I am a Mormon woman with three kids and my husband is not a member of the Church. I get sidetracked a lot; I love coffee and I used to smoke. What advice do you have for me?
We actually want to turn this question over to all of you to help us answer. There are many things that can be addressed here — having a strong marriage when you and your spouse have different religious beliefs; overcoming habits and caring for your body; and being able to stay on track with goals and/or standards even when those around you might be making different choices.
But first, we thought it would be helpful to explain a little more about the reason Mormons don’t drink coffee, tea, or alcohol — more about our health code, called the Word of Wisdom. So we will address the following question for those who have wondered about this part of Mormon belief.
I’ve heard that Mormons don’t drink coffee or tea. Is that true? Why? Also, I hear about a “health code” that you follow, what is it?
Answer by Amanda**
You heard right – LDS people (Mormons) don’t drink coffee of tea. We believe in what is called the Word of Wisdom, and this is the “health code” that you have heard about.
Revelation was given through the Lord to Joseph Smith in early 1833 concerning the care of our bodies. The revelation, known as the Word of Wisdom, was made a commandment in 1851. Joseph Smith had been pondering the use of tobacco by brethren in their meetings and decided to go to the Lord, and the Lord responded with the revelation which is recorded in the Doctrine and Covenants Section 89.
The Word of Wisdom is a guide for how we treat out bodies – including counsel about foods that are good for our bodies, and about substances that we should avoid.
Specifically we do not drink alcohol, coffee, or tea. We don’t use tobacco or drugs. We are encouraged to eat meat sparingly and to use fruits and vegetables in season, and are told that grains are the staff of life.
The Word of Wisdom is a gift to the Lord’s children because it provides physical and spiritual benefits for us.
We are promised that if we do these things, we
“shall receive health in the navel and marrow in the bones; and shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; and shall run and not be weary, and walk and not be faint.” [D&C 89:18-20]
In modern terms, we are promised health, wisdom, and protection. We are promised knowledge, safety, and strength. Some of this comes from building healthy habits for our bodies. And some of it comes as we obey out of obedience. Following the Word of Wisdom is also one of the things we have to do to be able to go to the temple, which for us is a place of power and peace where our spiritual knowledge can increase.
We are also counseled by church leaders to exercise our bodies, and get enough rest. We are told to get fresh air and to eat properly.
I have a testimony of the Word of Wisdom. I know that when I am eating correctly, and exercising I feel better. I feel stronger and less tired. I have more energy to do the things that I need to do. I know that I am more able to hear the still small voice of the Holy Ghost. I made myself a promise a long time ago that I would not use tobacco or drugs, and though I have had these things offered to me, I have not tried them. I know that I have been blessed for these things – that I am stronger because of them. I know that I am able to have a clear mind and quick reflexes because I avoid things that can cause me to be slower to react.
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Now, please help us respond to the first question (and answers can come from friends not of our faith as well — again, there are several topics that people can discuss here in this question that are not specific only to Mormonism):
I am a Mormon woman with three kids and my husband is not a member of the Church. I get sidetracked a lot; I love coffee and I used to smoke. What advice do you have for me?
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**Please note: The answers in “Ask a Mormon Woman” and (other content on this site) reflect the thoughts and perspectives of the administrators at Mormon Women. Although we strive to have our content consistent with the Church’s doctrine and teachings, we do not speak officially for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For official information about or from the Church, please visit www.mormon.org or www.lds.org.
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What a loaded question! I have a lot of thoughts on this, I grew up with a father who smokes and barely attended the LDS church with the rest of the family.
As to the Word of Wisdom – Living this law takes great faith, especially for those already addicted to the substances we are counseled to avoid. Don’t waste time in weighing yourself down with guilt. Prayerfully tackle the addictions (maybe overcome one at a time?). Ask for your husband’s support in quitting. Explain your choices independent of church doctrine. An example of what I mean by that: Instead of saying, “I want you to help me stop smoking because the church says I should.” you could say, “I want to stop smoking because I feel it would improve my life. I want to live longer and be healthy. Could you support me in doing this?” And then discuss specific ways you would like your spouse to help you (eg. join you in quitting, not smoke around you, give gentle reminders or rewards for success).
The church has a great addiction program to help those who are addicted to anything. Check it out at providentliving.org
Don’t keep yourself away from the church because of your current circumstances, saying that you will go when you’ve fixed everything. The church is a hospital for sinners, we need it because we’re trying to get better, we need each other’s support. I had a stake president who said he loved to smell cigarette smoke lingering on someone’s clothing at church, because it meant they were in the right place!
As to dealing with a spouse who doesn’t share your love of the gospel- This situation is like most family issues, an opportunity for growth and to exercise Christ-like qualities. It is not easy, but it can be done. Try to have open communication, even when you disagree, do your best to keep your emotions in check and not get defensive. Allow your spouse their agency, no one should feel coerced or forced to make specific choices. Love them freely and ask the Lord, through daily prayer, to give you a greater measure of love for them.
Lastly, know that you are an influence for good in your family. Every time my mother went to church without my father I was blessed, directly or indirectly (so was she). The scriptures tell us that a husband can be blessed by a righteous wife. Holding to as much of the Mormon ideal of family as possible, while maintaining harmony (COMPROMISE), enables everyone to have a better life.
I have found these things to apply to me as well, even though my husband is active, we still disagree about how fully to live the gospel. The teachings of the church about creating a good family are applicable, no matter what religion you are.
I recently had the opportunity to hear our General Relief Society President, Julie Beck, speak at a question and answer meeting here in Minnesota. I love Sister Beck, and I know that she follows the spirit, as she answers questions and serves women across the world. I think these two questions and answers are applicable to your question. Hope it helps- On a side note, I just wanted to say, we all have struggles that we are dealing with. I believe that is why we are here on this earth, to struggle, learn and grow, so we can become more like Jesus Christ.
If you have a desire to give up the cravings, I will pray for you and I know that if we pray together, Heavenly Father will help you.
Notes from the meeting:
One women said, “I know many women struggle with guilt. I am of the impression that there is a good kind of guilt and a bad kind of guilt, could you elude to the kind of guilt we should and shouldn’t listen to.” Sister Beck at this point got pretty teary, then she said, Because you are a Daughter of God, he would never tear you down. Any voice that tells you you are not enough – is from Satan. The voice that says – You can do better, and I will help you – is from the Savior.
The next 2 questions were the last 2 questions, so she took them both before answering. 1st question-What can we say to bring comfort to women who have families struggling with sames sex attractions? and the 2nd Question-What can we do to help women who are married to men who do not share their faith? Sister Beck commented that the answer was actually the same for both of these questions. She said whether your trial is cancer, financial struggles, naughty children, same sex attraction, a lack of unity in marriage, a single member family, a widower, or divorced with children, the answer is still the same. She then referred to “The family a proclamation to the world”. She quoted one of my favorite parts, so I will quote it in here as well. “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of Faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” No matter what your circumstance is, the gospel and its truthfulness remains the same.
Thank you for this question!
I my ward, there were many part member families. In two of my friends’ cases the mother was a member and the father was not.
In both cases, the fathers were supportive of their children going to Primary because the kids were eager to go and they appreciated the messages their children were being taught.
But sacrament meeting was tough for their wives. Being alone with 3 or more squirming kids on the pew can be frustrating. Both of my friends asked (pleaded) with their good husbands to help them just for one hour at church. At first, their husbands showed up in work jeans and T Shirts, making a point. “I’m here for her – don’t try to preach to me!” But as the years passed, the sacrament meeting messages worked their way into the hearts of these two men. They made friends in the halls, dropping their kids off in nursery and to Primary. They stayed longer and attended more of the meetings.
I attended the Temple sealings of both of these families. Those are favorite memories of mine. In both cases, it was the prayers of their own children that touched the hearts of the fathers and made them slowly change their behaviors and ask the missionaries to teach them more.
You can do it! Making these good changes in your own life will inspire your children to choose the right. Your husband may also see a change in you that he appreciates and may want to learn more. Openly hold Family Home Evening in your home and ask your husband to participate. Remember to pray aloud during family and meal prayers and teach your children to do so as well.
I am hopeful for you. What exciting times in your family! Mothers can change the whole dynamic of their families and can change the lives of generations to come for the better by embracing and teaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ in their homes.
You are on the right path, and like I said before: You can do it!