~by Jenny Pocock
In today’s society we are supposed to be sorely afraid of aging. I mean SORELY, as in going through massive amounts of pain (and money) to look younger than we are. I think this is messed up. Age has it’s benefits. Not that I’m over the hill or anything, but I’ve got a few years on me. My husband and I will celebrate our 17th anniversary this summer. I am a mother to four children, the oldest being 14. There are qualities that come with those years I wouldn’t trade for anything. So I warn you in advance, I will be keeping my wrinkles to prove it.
Today I realized one of those qualities, gained from the passage of time – I no longer have an urge to prove my worth. Seriously. There have been times in my life I claimed this, not true then. I did hope to make it true though.
The number of hours and overburdened thoughts that went into proving my worth: inestimable. Everyone was a participant in my value contest: family members, friends, church leaders, casual acquaintances. I wanted everyone to like me; it felt necessary for them to like me and to think I was an amazing person. Now I know that to be happy = truly being myself. Which means I cannot be happy guessing what other people think I should do, so that they will think I am good.
It has taken me this many years to realize what Popeye told me all those years ago on Saturday morning cartoons, “I yam, what I yam!” (translation for you non-Popeye speakers: “I am what I am!”)
This is me (not the yam!). I’m a work in progress. I don’t claim perfection. I’m doing the best I can. I think you’re doing the best you can too – so let’s just get along. If you don’t want to get along, I’ll do what I can to find common ground because I like people.
Honestly, not feeling the need to prove myself may have come from more than just the sheer accumulation of years. My chronic health problems have pulled me down a peg or two and opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn’t fooling anyone. And if I was, I don’t have the energy or time to continue foolin’.
For example, yesterday when my niece exclaimed, “I can’t sit on that chair, it’s all sticky!”
I smiled and said, “Sorry sweetie, we have a lot of kids in this house, things get sticky.”
That was the moment I knew something had changed inside of me. Because the old me would have rushed over with a sponge, embarrassed, coming up with some story of having pancakes that morning or something. It is what it is. I do hope that people won’t put off visiting with us because they get stuck to the chairs!
Another factor in my calling it quits to the value game is my relationship with God. I’m no saint, I’ve got a lot of work to do (some days I wonder how He looks upon backward progress). But, I know He looks at a person’s desires, at their heart, in the grand scheme of things. He is the only judge that really matters. And honestly, I don’t feel much judgment coming from Him, mostly love and encouragement (sometimes by way of a kick in the pants).
Don’t get me wrong though. I still care about others’ feelings and their comfort in my home. I care that I am a friend. I just don’t base my value as a human being on it any longer.
So now that we’ve come to the end of this and you are sick of hearing about me, I will say:
You do know all of this applies to you, too. Keep your wrinkles, stop overthinking what others think, you’re a work in progress, find a way to be OK with God and let’s just enjoy sticking to each other’s kitchen chairs. Because in the end there’s no proving it, it is a known fact – you are worth something. A lot, in fact.
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I love this essay, and really ought to study it and apply it to myself, since I have the same insecurities about my worth that you describe.
Best wishes on the health problems. I don’t have kitchen chairs (really small apartment), but you’re welcome to come hang out on my sofa. I’ll even supply the lint roller for the cat hair you’ll be wearing when you get up. 😉
I was thinking about this just yesterday, and how Pilate’s sin was being willing to appease the people to crucify Christ. It’s when we place eternal value on the opinions of others that we are hindered in our ability to do Heavenly Father’s will.
Ooo, I love this essay and this topic. Thank you Jenny for writing about it.
I love the lines on my face because they remind me of how much I must smile and of my childhood swimming in the CA sun.
The women in my congregation have aged so gracefully. I wish I could post a picture of every one of them for you all to see. I love them so much for setting a great example for me.
One discussion I have often with my girlfriends is, where is the line between upkeep and vanity?
What do you all think? How can we maintain the “neat and comely” goal?
I think aging is a wonderful way to find out who I really am. If I suspend the aging process through all the technologies available to me now, will I also suspend my personal growth?
great essay!
It is hard to be comfortable in our own skin. We always want what others have – yet in our hearts we have learned that we truly are God’s creations and he has given us our own unique characteristics.
I am so grateful for the gospel – that I am continually reminded of my own worth in the eyes of my Maker.
I love all the wrinkles, scars, grey hairs, wear marks etc that i have and continually get – it lets me know that I really am here – and that I really am living my life. I hope that it will stand as a testimony to God that I worked HARD to get back to Him 🙂
Thanks again for your words of wisdom!!
OK, good essay for me – I’ve been happily married for 25 years and this year I WILL BE 50. I have 6 beautiful children the oldest 24. Anybody who knows me knows I’m a laid back kind of girl who doesn’t worry too much about fads, vogues, or trends. I’m the one who will ask for interior design assistance and loves it when I can give money and talk a good friend into buying my children clothes when she goes shopping. But turning 50 – I was going to have all the answers, kids lined up, and hope others look up to me. (Just like I looked up – when pregnant with my first – to that lady in the Austin ward in Texas who had 7 children, taught Seminary, organized school activities, and had a husband as the Stake President).
Ahh, wonderful reality. I just have to take my separate deeds and tell myself how much I’m contributing to the world by doing well in cub scouts. I’m a good supporter of my children and husband, and try to help out at the school whenever I can.
Personal vanity went by the wayside after my fourth child. I do like looking up to a dignified woman. There is a true lady in our ward who is 92 and is always gracious, put together with make-up and her hair nice, speaks well, dresses well, holds herself upright and she is just the person I’d like to be when I grow up. Her husband passed away this year and she is managing this huge stress without falling apart.
What you don’t use you will lose applies to manners, education, and make-up as well as muscles. If I keep telling myself tomorrow I’ll never start wearing make-up again. I’m already about 50.
Wonderful essay. I’m not there yet (still care too much about what others think) but I’m working on it.
As for wrinkles, when I first noticed them creeping in, for the first time I understood why women would want to control them. But I’m more along the lines of what Jenny has said here now. I also have the tendency to gray prematurely in my gene pool, and if that happens, I think I’m gonna let it be what it will be.
This reminds me of the recent piece by Merrilee Boyack that was linked from here a couple of weeks ago.
I think as with anything, there is a balance. On one hand, I believe in the principle that it’s important to care for our bodies, and to be, as the Book of Mormon says, “neat and comely.” I think it shows respect for ourselves and gratitude to God when we care in basic ways for our health and grooming. (In practice, I have more lazy, lounge-y days than I probably should.)
On the other hand, there is a part of me that intensely resists the emphasis on beauty, cutting-edge fashion, etc. in our culture…the amount of time and effort and money that can go into that pursuit of youth and “beauty” sometimes astonishes me. I think it can often be pretty unhealthy.
Thanks to all of you for your kind words. It is amazing to me that people I don’t know enjoy my writing. Unlike my mom and sister who have to say that they like it 🙂
The issue of worth is definately tied into our personal appearance in this modern day. If you think about it, we put so much effort into our appearance, while really, it is for everyone else. We can’t see how good (or bad) we look, unless we happen to pass a mirror, our appearance is mostly for others. So while it is necessary to be neat and comely, it should be balanced in light of our true worth, regardless of looks. Which is so hard to remember in this society where we are bombarded with the idea that looks is all that matters!
Maybe as we get older and are forced to see ourselves in the humbling light of age, we become more likely to see our true worth, which is not based on outward appearance.
It is so hard to see those around me that I care about suffering because of a lack of confidence and self-love. It is empowering to hearken to the Lord’s consolations about our true worth. As we depend on Him and learn of His ways we can have greater confidence in ourselves, despite what the world may shout.
I can’t say that I love the wrinkles or gray hairs that I am getting, but the next time I look in the mirror, I’ll think of this and perhaps not be so disappointed. Beautifully written.
When I was in my twenties and obsessed with keeping my house clean, I remember someone telling me that it was passing phase. She was in her thirties and said that when you get out of your twenties you just don’t care that much. I was a little bit offended that she would be so condescending. And that’s why, when I meet women who are in their twenties, who are totally caught up in what their houses look like, I never say, “I used to be that way in my twenties too, it goes away in your thirties and you learn to relax.” But it is what I think.
Just read this tonight and thought it was worth adding to the discussion.