Last Saturday, Sister Joy Jones, general president of the Primary (organization for children) of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave a powerful talk at the Utah Coalition Against Pornography (UCAP) conference held in Salt Lake City, UT. Even though pornography was only recently recognized in Utah as a public health issue (and is being officially recognized as a public health issue by several other states now as well!), UCAP has been at work for years to try to educate people about the problem of pornography AND help people know what they can do to find healing.
The Church has also been speaking out for years against pornography, and it continues to expand its reach and resources to help not only adults who struggle, but to help parents learn how to help their children. We, too, have been working toward this end for years here at Mormon Women. (If you are a woman impacted by pornography use of a loved one, please see HopeAndHealingLDS.com for more resources and information. We also have many resources here, but they haven’t been updated for a while since Hope and Healing became the channel to help readers who needed information and support.)
Sister Jones, of course, cares about the well-being of children because of her calling. But there is much more to her intentions. Just like so many of us, she knows too many people impacted by pornography, and she was speaking”as a concerned woman, mother, and grandmother.”
To me, Sister Jones is a model for parents, and for leaders and mentors of children around the world. She boldly, unequivocally takes a position about the harms of pornography and the responsibility we have as adults to be the grown-ups and do what needs to be done to help children in the face of their pornified world.
She quotes Elder Dallin H. Oaks with an urgency that I hope people in and outside of the Church will heed:
“Children are highly vulnerable. They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves and little influence on so much that is vital to their well-being. Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests.”[3]
There is too much of selfish adult interest when it comes to sex (and business). This is a key reason why pornography is a public health issue for children and also for adults and marriages and families.
But following Sister Jones’ lead, let’s talk about the children today (I’m talking about children and youth, not just littles). Even with the best of protections in a home and in relationships, children can innocently stumble on material that is nothing short of a form of sexual abuse that harms their minds and their tender hearts and confuses, even hijacks, what should be a slow and gradual process of mental, emotional, social, relational, spiritual and sexual development. Just as cyberbullying can impact a child as deeply as real-life bullying, adult (and often violent, manipulated) sexuality imposed on children can impact children’s well-being in significant, serious, and multifaceted ways.
Sister Jones touches on simple things that we can do in our communities to speak up and make a difference. But I want to focus here on what the bulk of her talk is about — how love is the best armor to help children navigate this sexualized, pornified, digitally-driven world that they live in.
Sister Jones played off of Fight the New Drug‘s popular slogan that “Porn Kills Love.” She goes beyond that slogan in a powerful way, however — a way that I think is so very important…because when someone is stuck in the cycle of using pornography, telling them that porn kills love may only add to the shame. (Let me be clear that Fight the New Drug teaches clearly that porn is designed to hook people in, so kids need not feel shame when they feel the draw of sexualized content. Fight the New Drug works tirelessly to help youth break free, and still I have seen how this slogan alone sometimes leaves people feeling deflated, not hopeful.)
So I was thrilled to see Sister Jones build on Fight the New Drug’s impactful work to bring in how love has to be the foundation of our efforts on children’s behalf. She says:
First, we say “I love you” by truly protecting them. Second, we say “I still love you” by the way we respond to their exposure to pornography, whether intentional or not. And third, we say “I will always love you” by providing loving support for them as they work on healing if they’ve experienced compulsive use or addiction. In each phase, love is the key.
Love drives our desire to build strong relationships and to take deliberate actions to protect children from pornography exposure both in our homes and in the community. But since most children will be exposed at some point in their young lives, love must also drive our response (and hopefully drive our efforts to create safe places to talk about hard things before they happen so that children feel safe talking about hard things). Lastly, love must drive our efforts to help children and youth who may need help healing…and there may be more who need it than we want to acknowledge. (Spurred by heavy traffic here from women suffering because of their husband’s pornography addictions, I’ve spent years trying to help support those who are in adulthood suffering because loved ones in their lives never got help as children or youth. Out of hundreds of stories, I have only heard one that was of a pornography problem that began in adulthood.)
As such, I want to add something to what Sister Jones said. Serious harm, even trauma, can result when a child or teen is exposed to pornography — even with one exposure. I’ve read and heard too many stories of adults whose problems started with that first exposure — not because they as children did anything wrong, but because pornography wrongs them. It can have deep and lasting effects, including, yes, potentially leading to addiction, but oh, how I want to urge people to slow down and get present and walk side-by-side with children and teens to help them process what is happening with them, now. And to love and help them through it.
Even with all I know about these things, I see the confusion and overwhelm and misunderstandings my children continue to face (teens and young adults now) because the culture around them is so saturated by sex and relational, emotional, social, cultural, and other (political, ahem) drama. Their peers often can’t guide them; they are swimming in the same poisoned cultural water. Precious few people around them know how to help them be anchored in principles of truly healthy living (which is essential if you want to talk about healthy sexuality).
When I first started researching this topic over six years ago (as a admin here and also as a mom), I was stunned to see that several of the stories of adults who struggled started when they were as young as six years old. To Sister Jones’ second point, without a safe place to talk about what they had experienced in being exposed to pornography, these children were left alone to try to process something their young brains simply couldn’t or shouldn’t have had to process.
I also quickly learned that trying to help my children avoid pornography addiction was less about pornography and more about helping them learn skills like self-awareness, coping with emotions and stress in healthy ways, and deliberateness and integrity in their choices. (If you want to understand how to parent your children, I suggest learning from the stories of addicts in recovery. That is what changed me as a parent and as a person who has always wanted to understand more about human behavior (my educational background) and especially about the Atonement of Jesus Christ.)
Here’s another example of what I witnessed in my efforts to learn and take a stand about pornograpahy . A few years ago, because of the research and work I’d done for HopeAndHealingLDS.com, I was hired by an organization working to raise awareness around the harms of pornography. A woman contacted us, wanting to share her story about her 8-year-old daughter’s exposure to hard-core pornography through an innocent internet search with a friend. Their curiosity was normal, but the mind-hijacking impact of pornography changed their little lives and rocked their families — and friendships — to the core. (Note: You can’t sex ed your way through a 6-year-old or 8-year-old’s experience with this, even as more open conversation about sex may help children feel safe to go to parents with questions rather than the internet or their peers. But please, again, understand that pornography exposure can impact a child’s (or adult’s) view of self, of God, of relationships, of love, and of the world…beyond just what good sex ed even in the home could do. Pornography exposure may begin with curiosity about sex, but more talk about or more experience with sex will not heal what pornography can do to a mind, body, heart, and spirit. Again, the antidote to pornography is not healthy sexuality, it’s healthy, deliberate, connected, love- and purpose-filled living (which then can lay the foundation for healthy sexuality). Healthy exuality doesn’t happen in a vacuum of other aspects of a person’s life.
Back to Sister Jones. Her whole talk is worth a read (and a re-read, and a share), but I will highlight one more point here in this post. It’s the word why. Sister Jones says:
As parents and teachers, we can’t help children if we aren’t educated ourselves. Teaching the what and the why is essential. We can learn for ourselves and help children understand why pornography is wrong, why it is so dangerous, why we don’t want it to hurt them, and what to do if they encounter it.
Are we giving our children a sufficient why in age-appropriate ways? If the only reason we give them to avoid pornography is “It’s bad,” that may end up being an inadequate reason. Instead, we must present as many whys as we can to establish a moral imperative that is motivating for our youth. [Emphasis is hers.]
Before you talk to your kids about pornography, or before you just run out and filter your home to death, first go hug your children and spend some time with them (build relationships of trust!). Start with the love that you know how to offer. And then build from there. Stop and listen to them talk about their lives and the world from their young point of view. I guarantee that many of your children are facing things you can’t comprehend because most of us didn’t grow up with what they are growing up with. I am immersed in learning about this topic and I still get shocked and easily overwhelmed by what children and youth face. So stop and ask and listen and listen some more. That connection with your children will do more for your heart than about anything, and will be the critical foundation that Sister Jones talks about. Love them. Start there.
And then get committed to learning about why pornography is harmful, if you haven’t already. And don’t stop learning. We can’t parent from a place of fear; education and especially being grounded in love can cast out fear. Please choose to act rather than react. Connect with experts and other parents who care. Tag-team with your spouse or your friends to absorb insights from a conference or two. Slow down and invest the time it takes to understand these issues, and then leverage the power of the council system in your homes, congregations, and communities to do what it takes to love our children away from the impacts of living in a pornified world. This is bigger than us any of us alone, but working together, change can happen — first in our hearts and our homes and then in our culture and our communities.
One last note: I will say again that there are those in our larger culture and even in the Church culture who will try to minimize the seriousness of the plague of pornography. I’m not talking about isolating addiction as the indicator of the seriousness of the problem, I’m talking about the impact it can have from exposure one. Pornography victimizes children and that can happen without anything but content on a screen acting on a child or teen. Of course there are people behind the creation and money-grubbing distribution of that content, but so far our society does very little to hold those people accountable for the harms they are causing to our children, all in the name of free speech or free commerce or adult sexual freedom. Nothing is ever free. Choices have consequences and I stand behind Sister Jones and so many others who are taking a stand about the consequences of pornography on the health of children, youth, adults, families, and society.
To me, Sister Jones’s invitation is this: Stand first by standing by your children in unwavering love and then work from there as you feel guided to do. I researched for this website, yes, but at the same time God was urging me to learn all I could for the sake of my children. That learning on behalf of my children changed everything for me, including my own spiritual journey. For all that pornography harms, the antidotes of love and healthy living can change lives. Let pornography be a springboard for learning about these things!
I will go back to the quote from Elder Oaks that Sister Jones used. We have a duty and responsibility to do all we can first to consider and protect and commit to the well-being of our own children, the children in our sphere of influence, and the children in our society.*** They are the future of the earth. We care a lot as a society about preserving natural resources, but there is nothing more precious, more deserving of our protection than our children. (See also this talk by Elaine Dalton.)
There were days when adults tried to convince each other that cigarettes were healthy. Why? Because marketing and money drove the conversation. Adults know full well now that smoking is bad for anyone and that chemicals like alcohol and drugs are really, really bad for developing youth and young adults. Our culture is waking up to the seriousness of sexual abuse, but that conversation will not be close to complete without recognizing that creators and distributors of pornography are perpetrating sexual trauma on children (as well as contributing to a culture of sexual violence and trafficking of both children and adults.) Addressing sexual abuse without addressing the plague of pornography will make the former effort incomplete at best — and at worst will sabotage it.
Again, this can start first in our hearts as we seek to have love drive all we do for our children. They need us. And we need them.
***To any who are paralyzed in your ability to help your children because of your own struggles (either because of your own pornography issues or those of a loved one), then please make the decision now to seek the help you need. There is hope and help available, but you have to reach out! Isolation and secrecy and fear make all of this worse for adults, too. Again, most adults who struggle are grown-ups who never got the help they needed as children or youth and those impacts continue into the next generations. It usually takes a combination of a lot of different kinds of support (lots of love!!) to overcome the impacts of pornography, but never have we had so many resources at our disposal. Keep reading your scriptures, keep praying, keep going to church. And seek out support from those who have found healing through support groups. Consider professional therapy from one who understands that pornography (the real issue is lust as a drug) really can destroy lives. God will help you know what next steps to take and will be more able to help you if you will start moving your feet by getting out of isolation. Please don’t try to tackle this alone. You’ve already tried that. 🙂 Please reach out! Miracles can happen when that simple first step is taken. God will never stop loving you and there are many who will be willing to help. Ask until you find someone(s) who will. I am grateful to stand arm-in-arm with many others committed to helping in this space, and we send our love your way.
This post has been edited from the original.
