When we first started posting materials and resources for those affected by pornography addiction (directly or indirectly), there weren’t many stories or easily-found resources. Over the course of the last three+ years there has been an explosion of work done on behalf of those struggling with pornography / sexual addiction and their loved ones. There are also more and more opportunities for people to volunteer and get involved in helping educate about the harms of pornography addiction.
Just in the next few months, there have been and will be several conferences that our readers might be interested in. There is also a new program for teens who struggle with addiction. The program is called Fortify. More information below.
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On March 22, the Utah Coalition against Pornography will hold a conference. The UCAP conference theme is “Taking Charge of Change: Protecting Children and Families from Pornography“. From UCAP’s website: “Pornography has devastating effects throughout society. You can encourage change for good by becoming aware of the risks of pornography, understanding the solutions, and learning to talk openly about this issue. Our speakers are national leaders and local experts who will share insight into many aspects of this critical threat. Don’t miss this opportunity to become more informed and prepared to help others and speak up about the harm of pornography. You are an essential part of the solution!”
Topics that will be addressed include the following:
Opening Keynote – Pornography and the Consumption of Chaos: A Call for Education, Understanding, and Action
Understanding the Problems and Implementing the Solutions
Seven Online Traps for Kids
What Teens wished their Parents Knew
The Addiction Cycle
Understanding and Treating Betrayal Trauma
Pornography Addiction: Disordered Learning, Toxic Sexuality
Media Savvy Families: Protecting Families from Pornography by Developing Healthy Media Habits
Closing Keynote – Pornography: What’s the Problem? What’s the Solution?
Registration for this conference is $15. Conference is open to the public.
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The Togetherness Project is holding a conference in Phoenix on April 26th. From the project website: “The Togetherness Project empowers women whose lives are affected by the pornography addiction and/or infidelity of a loved one by providing encouragement, education and community. We are a sisterhood of love, validation, and the rarest of friends. Our semi-annual conferences feature renowned sex addiction therapists, professional counselors and inspiring individuals who offer honest, realistic and validating discussions that enable us to rise above our collective challenges together.
Class/Presentation topics include the following:
Codependency as a Trauma Response
Intimacy, Connection and Addiction
Out from the Shadows of Betrayal and into the Light of Hope and Healing
Owning Your Story and Loving Yourself Through the Process
Straight Talk: It’s Time to Talk About Porn with Your Kids
What Do Happy People Know? (Positive Psychology)
The Power of Now
Trust vs Forgiveness: How They are Not the Same
Rise Above
Registration for this conference is $95 and is open to women only. Space is limited.
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Fight the New Drug has a new program called Fortify — designed for teens who are struggling with compulsive pornography use. Learn more here:
If it is true that over half of the men in the church are addicted to pornography, what did the women who are to be their wives, sisters, and daughters do to deserve such men in their lives? If these men are “permitted” to make temple covenants (albeit incredibly falsely!), and serve in the Church.. what is it that women are going to be all-but excused from doing? Of course, that last part is facetious, we know that the Lord will not and CAN not look on sin with “the least degree of allowance.” But what support system is there going to be for these thousands of women when they (almost inevitably) discover the licentious behavior that their husband/brother/father has been engaging in? Experts have said that this discovery and the resulting devastation can be one of the most traumatic events in a woman’s life. And yet little to no warning of this has ever been passed down from any pulpit or Young Women’s lesson – that all but the most fortunate of these girls are one day going to be sealed to a young man who struggles (usually in secret) with the unconscionable scourge of pornography and masturbation. To my mind, the kindest solution for most of the young women in the church is for them to just not be married. Because unless their husbands come clean early on (preferably before the actual Sealing!) and get involved in a successful 12-step program before children are born in the marriage, the wife (and children) will have years and years of misery as she tries – so often in vain – to help him fight the addiction. If the husband is unrepentant then will their sealing not eventually be nullified, he being kept out of the Celestial Kingdom because of his selfish and sinful choices? What then for the wife and children? Certainly, Heavenly Father will put it all right and these millions of long-suffering, virtuous women will receive the righteous, valiant husbands they so richly deserve. But she will still have had to either abstain entirely from the blessings of marriage and children during her mortal probation – and probably suffer the consequences of disobedience to a law of the Gospel because she chose to remain unmarried. Or she will, as I already stated, be the companion of a man who will have to struggle every day of his life to deserve her – if he even bothers to struggle. I say again, what did the women of modern generations do to deserve such companions in life? And why is every message we hear from our RS and YW lessons in such denial about what is a universally devastating issue? Do we not owe it to our young women, to give them some kind of idea of what they are in for? We betray them by staying silent.
Larissa, the questions you ask assume that the women or men in the church who are married to or are related to those who suffer from pornography addiction are perfect. We know that no person is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. To assume that to be married or to be a member of a family comes without challenges is naive. I know that you don’t really mean what you suggest as solutions. If it were true that we should avoid any or all experiences that might lead us to sadness or disappointment then we would never experience anything. We chose to come to this earth to experience mortality. In making the choice for mortality we knew that a savior would be provided. To be mortal means to experience opposition. As Eve so eloquently stated “Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient” (Moses 5:11). Ask any man or woman who has struggle with pornography and has been able to overcome the addiction through the help of a faithful spouse or family member what feelings they have toward those who provided support. Ask the spouse, parent, sister, friend, who was supportive through the trail if they regret having provided support. You will find that we can all hope to have a few righteous friends to provide support and help along our mortal struggle. The young women in the church are taught about Christ and his healing power. Pornography indeed is an evil that has the potential to destroy. However, the way to win the victory over pornography is by loving those who suffer from this problem and encouraging them to obtain help not only from a 12 step program but from their Bishops or other ecclesiastical leaders and a professional counselor. I hope you will decide to engage in life fully and put on the armor of God. The Lord is in need of men, women, and children, who keep covenants and are seeking to help in the work of salvation.
Larissa,
There are many people involved in this sphere who are concerned about young women, trying to give them information and support to prepare for this possibility.
http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/2012/08/27/for-those-datingengaged-to-a-someone-who-has-dealt-with-pornsex-addictioncompulsion/
Here are some resources, too, for those who are in dating mode. There is more to come along these lines!
Esmerelda,
I don’t think I said anything about anyone being perfect, or that we ought not to experience trials and sadness. What I did say is that the majority of young women are preparing themselves as best they can for their future marriage and family – but the chances of them being married to a man who is not worthy of them are very high, higher than they’ve ever been. This is not a mild complaint, like a husband not doing his home teaching, or a husband who has a problem controlling his temper, or even a husband who doesn’t like to attend church. These husbands are all-but cheating on their wives on at least a monthly basis. Matt 5:28 says, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Over 50% of the men between 18-35 in the church are involved in that kind of behavior at least once every month. Nothing else that women do or face compares to that.
It is a scourge unlike anything the church, or the world, has ever faced before. And until Sister Reeves’ talk in Conference last weekend, so very little in the way of official church – HQ messages had ever been said to women about it. I am so grateful for that talk that we heard. It may have been the first time that recovery programs (12 step) were ever mentioned in a general meeting.
I am glad to hear of those resources that are out there that are geared toward single women. But the problem is – they have to know to look for those resources to begin with. Apart from parents doing their duty by their children, the only other way girls are going to hear this counsel is by an open and frank discussion in their YW or Singles Ward RS meetings.
I have a question…I just recently (about 1 month ago) found out that my husband is addicted to pornography. I see lots of stories about recovery and meeting with ecclesiastical leaders and how prayer and scripture study really help. However, in my husbands journey, he has also left the church. I knew that he didn’t want to be LDS any more and I have been dealing with that for a few years. Even though the times are close from when he left the church and his pornography addiction began, he says that the pornography came after. My question is, does anyone in here have experience of going through recovery without the help of ecclesiastical leaders, and have found success? I am experiencing the love of our Savior, and the healing and comforting power of the atonement for myself, but he is not open to that. I am just not sure how much hope is out there for him to recover.
I don’t live in the intermoutain west, so LDS Social Services isn’t much of an option here.
As a female sex addict (yes, they do exist), I have begun the process of recovery.
The process of sex addiction recovery is three-fold. First, he needs a good therapist, one who is trained as a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). Second, he needs to attend group therapy with that CSAT and his/her other sex addicts. Third, he needs to attend SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) meetings.
Whether the addiction is porn and masturbation only, or whether it includes actual affairs, your husband is still a sex addict and needs all of these aspects of the recovery process.
Finding a GOOD CSAT is very very important. Therapy can’t be undervalued.
Wendy,
Every story is different, and there are many in Sexaholics Anonymous or other programs who come without a belief in God and who over time come to believe in a power greater than themselves. There is always hope where there is a willingness to admit the problem and get help. That help doesn’t have to come through LDS resources; for some, their journey may take them elsewhere for a time. Of course, the power of the principle of the Atonement can make a big difference, but your husband is in God’s hands. Trust your husband to His care and continue to seek strength and healing for yourself.
There are many women who have walked a similar path with husbands who struggle with their faith. You might consider connecting with them at hopeandhealinglds.com/forum or ldsaddictionrecoveryblogs.blogspot.com. Other resources include the Togetherness Project, Addo Recovery (neither of those is an LDS resource but many LDS women use these resources), and healingthroughchrist.org
Lori, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. If you haven’t connected with Sidreis at bythelightofgrace.blogspot.com, she’s worth getting to know. Yes, there are LDS women who struggle with addiction and there are LDS women who are finding recovery through a variety of resources. I haven’t heard of many using SLAA (glad to hear someone’s experience with that program — thanks again for sharing!); fwiw for those who may be reading, another option is Sexaholics Anonymous.
Thank you for leading me to that blog. I really appreciate it. I will be reading it.