Briana shares the following poem with us, and also shares some of what she has learned about trials and about the Lord’s love.
Background on the poem:
My life has been full of doctor visits and health issues. I have had five open heart surgeries in the nineteen years that I’ve been alive. Just recently I got really sick with the flu — or so I thought. I found out later after a long hospital stay that it wasn’t a flu it was a clot. My heart was sick and it was making my body sicker and sicker. After I had my open heart surgery the found that I had a fungus on the valve they had replaced just two years ago. I have been on anti-fungals and blood thinner medicines since then and it has been a long road. I am still healing and it’s been three months. I am now losing my hair as a result of one of the medications. When I feel I can’t go on, I write about my experiences and put them into poems.
Broken is a word that has described me my whole life,
All the Time!
Healing always healing,
What if I don’t want to heal anymore?
You can’t heal what has too many cracks in it.
I’m damaged goods,
My heart has been mended one too many times,
Only to be shattered into pieces once again,
I want to just stop,
I want to breathe again,
I want to cry,
I want to sob,
I want to scream,
I want to be carried,
My body broken from all the tears and wears of the world,
Her heart is shattered never to be repaired,
Her legs dangle as she is carried,
Carried away from the wreckage called her life,
Her arms are dangling,
Her eyes are streaming with tears,
Her face broken with scars of the past,
Her chest with a long scar of her heart,
A heart that has been repaired one too many times,
Her life is beyond salvaging as it lay far away.
In Doctrine and Covenants section 122 Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail and asks where the Lord is and how long they will have to suffer. In section 122 the Lord answers him and tells him that “all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” I feel I have been thrown a hard curve ball and it has taken me time to see that I have grown. At first I was scared and then I was mad and hurt and then I got sad. At times I felt all those emotions. I look back now and shudder; I wonder how I made it through but now I know that my parents and the Lord did care about me even when I didn’t think they did.
I promise you the Lord knows what you’re going through. He may not take it away but that doesn’t mean that He doesn’t love you. I have learned that on this earth life we have to have experiences that allow us to grow. No matter how hard the challenge may be just take comfort in knowing that the Lord will give you nothing that you can’t handle. He knows you better than yourself. Stick with the Lord and He will help you in the most unexpected ways. I know how it feels to think you’ve been abandoned and no one knows how you feel but He does and He’s always there. Even though you don’t feel Him right away or notice what He is doing for you. I promise you if you look back and ponder the events that happened you WILL see His hand in your life and the lives of those around you.
This is so beautiful! What a strong spirit you have!
We are also an LDS family and our 18 year old son has endured four open heart surgeries. We would love to connect with you and we have an entire community of heart teens and young adults that would welcome you with open arms 🙂 Please contact us!!
Hugs to you beautiful young lady!!!