We received this question from Sophie:
I have read parts of the “Book of Mormon”, usually while traveling. I was much inspired by it and am planning to read more in the future.
My question is:
I have concerns about being part of the Mormon community. I am a 45 year old divorced woman. My family is staunchly Catholic. How does one like me fit into the Mormon community? I am too old to marry and too old to have children, and as it seems all revolves around family life, I would be pretty much an outcast. I already am dealing with issues of loneliness and isolation, hence my concerns. From what I have read, a single woman can not ever attain the ultimate high point in heaven.
Answer by Karen*
Thank you for visiting Mormon Women: Who We Are, and for asking these important questions. We appreciate your candor and sensitive heart at this season of your life. Your reaching out and honest inquiry speaks volumes about who you are, and we express respect and appreciation for the opportunity to share some of our thoughts. We hope that you can feel even through this site that you are not alone. This site exists in part to help people know and feel that reality. You have people already who care about you and what you are going through.
Following are some of my candid thoughts. We hope other Church members will share their thoughts about your valid questions in the comment section.
I am 53 and raising my two girls alone, separated and close to filing for divorce. I am a Catholic convert, coming from a traditional Italian-Catholic background, and am very active in the Church of Jesus Christ. The gospel is my lifeline. The Savior is my friend and assists me in raising my two teenage daughters, working, and making my way successfully through mortality.
I admire your willingness to read and pray about the Book of Mormon. By all means, continue reading the Book of Mormon and the Lord will lead you step by step on your journey, revealing things that themselves will lessen and heal some of the deep and trenchant feelings that come in the wake of divorce–and all that preceded it. I love that testament of Christ and am amazed at how the Lord speaks to me about motherhood, about struggle, about faith, through its pages.
As to the core of your question, it’s true that the Savior’s teachings include the ideal for all to eventually be happily married and exalted–whether in this life or the next. But if you were to walk into Sunday meetings, you would see a wide variety of family situations: two-parent families, couples without children, people who are divorced or never married, families with only part of the family who attends church…. There are probably seven or eight single-parent, separated, or divorced couples in my own ward or congregation. You are not or would not be an outcast! Everyone has been single at one point in their life and will be single again–whether through death of a spouse or any other reason.
In the ideal ward [congregation], you would be warmly accepted and you’d be made to feel like you’ve arrived home, at a place where you are safe and can grow and heal and find your place in the kingdom as a daughter of God. You’d have women to visit you regularly and laugh with you, cry with you; you’d have home teachers (a companionship of two men or a man and a young man) to visit every month and help and serve you. You’d also have opportunities to serve as you were ready and able to do so. I have many close friends in the Church whom I know to be the “forever” kind and who were divinely placed in my life. I also have a great ward family as a whole.
This isn’t to say that all congregations are ideal–we are all human. The Church is there to perfect us. Some people might not know or understand your circumstances. Whether in the Church or out of the Church, some people make judgments. I would hope you wouldn’t worry about that happening–because sometimes that can be self-fulfilling. I think you can go in confidently. (At the right time, if you wanted to visit a congregation, we could help connect you with someone so you wouldn’t be alone right from the start.)
I know that the Lord knows your needs and circumstances, and I would testify to you that there will be those in that congregation whose lives you specifically can bless, and those who will be placed there for you by an omniscient and loving Father in Heaven. There may be times when your needs may seem unaddressed or overlooked in a class or sermon, but I have found on those occasions, that the Spirit more than compensates and shares things in between the lines that address those and that speak to those things. Church leaders teach us and members do strive to be sensitive, though, to the diversity of our membership and the needs of individuals. [We include some quotes and links below that we hope can demonstrate that reality.]
As far as reaching the highest degree of glory, the plan includes possibilities for marriage after this life, and increase in posterity then as well. We can explain this further, but our teachings include the recognition that, for one reason or another, not everyone will be married in this life. For some, that opportunity for marriage will come here; for some it will come after this life. God is wonderfully fair and perfect in His plan for each of us. We are taught that no one who is faithful to God and keeps her/his covenants will be denied any blessing, including a worthy spouse and opportunity for eternal marriage and family, whether that comes in this life or in the next.
I would like you to know that I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ really has been restored to the earth. My conversion story can be found here. There’s a single video short version, and a two-part, 10-minute each, longer version, if you care to see how I entered the Church and came from Catholicism to find the gospel of Jesus Christ in its fullness. I’ll send up prayers for you and wish you the best in your continued journey. Stay in touch with those on the site and feel free to contact me personally at any time.
Love,
Your Sister in Christ, Karen
*Please note: The answers in “Ask a Mormon Woman” reflect the thoughts and perspectives of the administrators at Mormon Women. Although we strive to have our content consistent with the Church’s doctrine and teachings, we do not speak officially for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For official information about or from the Church, please visit www.mormon.org or www.lds.org.
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For more on this topic, please see the following quotes and links that we thought might be helpful:
From Church leaders:
To you who are divorced, please know that we do not look down upon you as failures because a marriage failed. In many, perhaps in most cases, you were not responsible for that failure. Furthermore, ours is the obligation not to condemn, but to forgive and to forget, to lift and to help. In your hours of desolation turn to the Lord, who said: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. … “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28, 30.)
The Lord will not deny you nor turn you away. The answers to your prayers may not be dramatic; they may not be readily understood or even appreciated. But the time will come when you will know that you have been blessed. (Gordon B. Hinckley, “To Single Adults,” Ensign, Jun 1989, 72)
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No one should feel isolated because he or she is single. We want all to feel that they belong to the Church in the context of Paul’s message to the Ephesians: “Ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God” (Ephesians 2:19). We belong not only to the Lord’s Church but also to each other. (President James E. Faust, “Welcoming Every Single One“)
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From Church members — sharing their thoughts, experiences, and perspectives (all of these articles were found on lds.org; many more can be found by searching on relevant topics)
Singles and Marrieds — Together in the Faith
Single and Steadfast: Lessons in Hope
Rebuilding my Life After a Divorce
For the Single Divorced Parent
No Longer a Husband (this obviously reflects thoughts from men, but the principles are relavant to men and women)
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More links and information can be found under this lds.org topical index entry: Single Members of the Church
In my congregation there are many single women for various reasons. We love them. They have been my youth leaders, my teachers and friends. There is a social group in my congregation called “Silver Streaks” for any woman who wants to attend they have lunch and dinner appointments where they laugh, share experiences and eat good food. These women have supported each other through the death of spouses, divorce, sickness and all of life’s troubles. Many of the women in my ward also attend Enrichment night which is sponsored by the Church as a way for women to get a night out and enjoy each others’ talents.
My husband has been a home teacher to many single women. I know he worries and cares about these women and their struggles. He has taken their sons to Father and Son activities, boating and to work with him. He has gone over many times at any hour of the day to administer Priesthood blessings in times of sickness. I have heard him mention them in his prayers. We never want the single sisters to feel that they do not have access to all the blessings of the Gospel.
I have many single friends in my congregation. I know some days and some topics taught at church can be tough. It is hard to sing Hymns like “Families Can be Together Forever” when the sting of divorce is still very raw. But during those times when a woman in the congregation pulls out a Kleenex to dab the tears that have welled from obvious grief, I have seen women stand up during the painful moment and move closer to throw an arm of love around the shoulders of the saddened.
I loved the quotes shared above from President Hinckley and Elder Faust. Single members are “fellow citizens” and part of the body of Christ that Paul describes in the Bible. We love them and see them as part of our ward family.
I appreciated Karen’s response to your question. I hope you will consider visiting an LDS congregation near you to see how it feels. And know that, through prayer, we are never have to be truly and completely alone.
I have been married nearly 35 years and a great deal of that time, I have attended church by myself. I’ve lived several wards in three different states. I’ve found that I often sit by other women who have also come to church alone. Some of my friends were divorced or widowed or were never married. Others have had husbands that are not members or inactive husbands. Still others have had husbands who were very active but were serving in other wards or branches. Marital status didn’t make any difference to us–we’re all sisters in the gospel.
I don’t know what I can add to Karen or Janelle’s wonderful remaraks. I just wanted to add my support and let you know that the blessings, satisfaction, and spiritual development that I get by being a member of this church are beyond expression. It is my most valuable asset. I want it for everyone. Please keep reading the Book of Mormon, praying, and investigating our religion. You wont be sorry.
I am reminded of when I had finished grad school and moved to a part of the country where I knew no one in my congregation. There wasn’t a congregation (ward) of singles anywhere in the state where I was living (in some areas, they exist), so I was part of a ward of people in lots of different stages of life, with different family situations. I had called the bishop (the congregational leader) to let him know I would be moving into the ward.
From even that first conversation, I felt love and support. When I moved into the ward, I was quickly given a responsibility working with the young women. Later on, I was asked to play the piano for the choir, and then to be in charge of planning activities for the entire ward. (It was one of the busiest and most fulfilling times of my life — as I tried to jump in and be involved, I found I was needed. I look back now and see that I could serve in ways others couldn’t because my ward was my family. Truth be told, sometimes I miss that!)
Perhaps it would be worth noting that the woman who was leading the Relief Society in the ward (the organization for the adult women ages 18+) when I moved in was a divorced woman in her 30s or 40s.
This was a ward where I felt that there truly was no respecter of persons. We had people from many races, backgrounds, time in the Church, family situations. The differences didn’t matter. We were just all a ward family. We loved being together. They became my family. When I needed help and support, I had friends and leaders who were there to listen. When I moved, people were there to fill and empty my U-haul. My married friends took me on temple trips with them.
Don’t get me wrong. There were definitely lonely moments. I know the experiences of a younger single person won’t necessarily be perfectly translatable. There were times it was hard to not be married. I still have vivid memories of tear-filled conversations with people at such times.
But even then, I found that when I opened up and asked for help, people were there.
Ah. Makes me want to go back and visit them all! 🙂 I love you, SP 1st ward friends!
I am a 29 year old(almost 30, it’s fast approaching:) single woman in the church. While I can say there have been moments of loneliness, I have never felt that I was less loved, or less accepted in what can be a very family oriented society. I love being a part of a church where everyone is welcome. I have been able to see how much the single women of the church bless others lives because we sometimes have more time to give to others. I have loved getting involved with the married women in my stake(a group of many wards/congregations), with the single sisters, many of whom are divorced or widowed and being able to feel of their love and their life experience. Currently, I have the privilege of serving as the president of the woman’s organization of my congregation that consists of single members of the church from 18-31. One of the concerns I’ve had is for each woman to feel they are loved not only by the people around them, but that they feel the love of our Savior. Our Savior doesn’t look on marriage status. He looks at the individual and sees you for the wonderful person you are and can become. That is what the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches, that we are sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father and he loves us. With faith and knowledge in that principle, I know I will be just fine in a church that is family oriented, but that one day, I will gain all the blessings that Heavenly Father has in store for me. Women can do amazing things with faith in this principle!
I am 31 and a divorced mother of two amazing children. I completely understand your concern. I was raised in the church and I still worried that I might not fit in once I got divorced. I want you to know, though, that I was wrong. I have been accepted and welcomed in the two wards I’ve been in since my divorce. I’ve been blessed immensely by the Lord. I’m ashamed to say that there have been times when I’ve been utterly surprised at just how good people can be.
I also felt I should tell you that I believe that a lot of our experiences for good or bad can be based on our attitudes. Once I knew I was going to be divorced I made a goal that I would choose not to be offended by topics or things that people might carelessly say at church. We’re all human and we all say things that can hurt others. I knew I didn’t want to be the person who was offended by every little remark. It has been a great blessing to me. I readily admit, there are times that talking about eternal families is hard. There are challenges that come with being single. However, I am a witness that with those challenges come blessings.
God loves each of us individually. You and I are His daughters. He knows each of your heartaches and every one of your joys. He knows and understands what you have lived through in your life. He knows every mistake we have ever made and He loves us anyway. When you have moments where you feel you may not fit in, remember that you fit into His plan. He holds you in His arms and will help you through those challenging moments. After all, life is challenging; that’s how we learn. I can’t promise you won’t face challenges with this, but I can promise that God will be with you every step of the way. I pray that you’ll be able to feel His love for you and find the answers for which you are searching.
I am a single woman, 66 years old, never been married, who loves the gospel of Jesus Christ and has been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint all her life. To add to the ‘uniqueness’ of being single in the Church, I also deal with being a paraplegic in a wheelchair, which has been the case since I was 20 years old. I am not sure if the wheelchair was a detriment to being married or not, but the reality is that I am single and have found joy in my life, much revolving around my membership in the Church.
I regret not having children most of all, but have found comfort in my relationships with my nieces, nephews, and grand nieces and nephews. I also enjoy connecting with the children in the ward. They bring me much happiness and comfort. So belonging to a ward family has, in many ways, compensated for not having my own immediate family.
I attended a Singles Ward for many years, while I attended the University and while working as an educator, thinking I would be an ‘outcast’ in a family ward. But I discovered this was not the case when I returned to my home ward. I found a most accepting atmosphere and a love that sustains me weekly. The older women are like my mom and the younger ones, like my sisters. They care about me and for me when I need someone.
I must admit there are times when it is hard to listen to sermons or lessons about family and the eternal nature of the family and the wonderful blessing children are, but…. those times are far fewer than the wonderful messages I hear about my worth as a child of God and my opportunities to serve others, and the many ideas for improving my life, as well as moving toward eternal life with my Father in Heaven. I have been taught that I will have a chance to have an eternal mate and even have children in the eternities. I know without a shadow of doubt that my Father in Heaven loves me and will provide for me that which I need to experience eternal joy.
My roommate’s mother was divorced and called to be the Stake Relief Society President a few years ago. She believed that would be wrong, since a president should be an’ example’ and she felt she had failed in her marriage. Her Stake President reassured her that she was as worthy and as needed in that role as any married sister was. I believe that is what the Lord believes. Women are called to serve because of who they are, not because of their marital status. Be assured that you are as important to and loved by your Father in Heaven as any other woman on this earth.
I testify that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of love and provides a plan of salvation that will help all of us to return to Him. It is meant for everyone! I testify that the Lord loves all of us equally and greatly and will help us find joy in what ever circumstance we find ourselves. I am so grateful for His goodness to me and for the opportunity to be a member of His Church and serve in my ward and to associate with the special people in my ward. May God help you in your endeavors to find for the truth and find the happiness you seek.
Amazing story about an amazing woman. Thank you for telling me. I wish you wonderful things.