I don’t know if Cassy Budd would use the term healing in the telling of her story, but she speaks healing truth to me. I was so grateful to have this devotional, entitled “On Failure and Finishing,” pop up after listening to Craig Manning’s address. (What a wonderful divine Valentine’s Day gift!)

Cassy is a master storyteller, and she hits on so many false beliefs that many of us carry around…and on how the Savior wants to help us in and with and because of our weakness and failure — not after we figure out how to save ourselves! Learning how to let go and let Him is so much what our part is about.

Once again, I express gratitude for the courage it takes to share weakness in such a vulnerable way. I truly believe it is only in the context of our weakness that we can help each other find God’s strength and healing power. (Again, if we could save or fix ourselves, why would there need to be a Savior?)

My favorite insights (if it’s possible to have favorite insights from a talk like this) are at the end as she talks about her spelunking guide, Mike. The parallels to the Savior’s grace, wisdom, and love are stunning.

(I shared this with multiple friends, and hope you will do the same.)

The post Stories of healing: Seeing failure and weakness as gifts appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

I know this is the true Church of our Savior Jesus Christ and that we are led by a living prophet, Thomas S. Monson.

My story:

My life challenges started at a very early age. I was eight years old when I was first molested. He was a friend of the family and I had a child’s love for him. He broke my heart and severely injured my spirit. Unable to tell my parents, my trust of people around me was shaken. I became very insecure and frightened of life. When I reached my teens, my insecurities and lack of participation in school activities became evident and a concerned counselor started drawing me out and I felt comforted by his concern. But, once again my life was jolted when he betrayed my trust. One day he offered me a ride home. I accepted his kind gesture. I soon realized he had other intentions. We took a ride into the hills near our town and the unspeakable happened. Once again I was shaken to the core and afraid to go to my parents. I had no idea how to deal with any of this and so I pushed the thoughts and feelings deep inside. I didn’t have any close friends at school and my insecurities became overwhelming.

I started going to a neighborhood church and felt some comfort but still I had no answers to why bad things were always happening to me. I was convinced that bad things only happened to bad people ant that I was being punished. I met a boy who belonged to another church and we started dating. School became increasingly harder for me to deal with. When I was sixteen and my boyfriend nineteen I convinced my parents to allow me to get married. I was then dropped out of school.

A couple of years into my marriage my husband and I started having very heated arguments. We were both so young and immature. It became an abusive relationship with my husband using physical force. After our son was born, I decided that the best thing for both me and my son was to leave this marriage. I was more fearful for my son than for myself. Once again I was left with the thought and feeling that I was a bad person.

It was very hard being a single mom at the young age of nineteen. I started having severe migraine headaches that often made it hard for me to go to work, or be a mother. I started suffering with depression as well. I had long since stopped going to church, I couldn’t see the point. My friends changed and my lifestyle became one that I am now ashamed of. And soon drugs became an escape from all my worries. At least I thought so at the time.

Even though this was a time of spiraling out of control, I did meet a man who was stable and who had healthy life goals and was willing to be a father to my son, and so, we were married and a year later we had a daughter. I still suffered with migraines and depression. I was also still painfully insecure and that was a problem for my very outgoing, enthusiastic husband.

At some point all of these physical, mental and social challenges became too overwhelming. Prescription drugs and illegal drugs became a part of my life again. I was what you would call a “functioning addict.” My marriage of seventeen years ended and I really went into a tailspin. I became so frightened of life. I was completely convinced that my life had no worth.

Mid-October 2004 I tried to end my life. I was found unconscious, barely breathing and rushed to the hospital. I was put on a respirator. My two sisters, one in California, and the other in Utah, were contacted by my former husband who is a doctor. They have since told me they thought they were coming to bury me.

After five days I regained consciousness and was taken off the respirator. My two sisters were standing by my bedside. Both my sisters have been members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints since they were in their teens. One of my sisters reached over the safety bar on the bed and laid her hand on my arm and asked me if I would like a priesthood blessing. At the same time that she asked that question there was a whisper in my other ear. Jesus whispered, “Are you ready to do it my way?” I knew it was Him because of how specific those words were to me. I also knew it was Jesus because of the love, warmth and comfort that fell on me. I have never felt such love in all my life! Such pure love! I said yes to both questions. Any questions I had about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were answered in that moment.

It’s my testimony that Jesus lives and his Atonement will make everything right. Heavenly Father’s love has healed me. I do not suffer from depression, overwhelming insecurities, nor do I feel like I’m a bad person. As my faith grows and my knowledge of the gospel grows I realize that bad things happen to good people. We are here to be tested. Our lives are subjected sometimes to those who choose to use their agency in a negative manner. When those times befall us, He will comfort us.

Before I was baptized, I worried about forgiveness. I worried about whether Heavenly Father would forgive me if I couldn’t forgive those who had trespassed against me. Matthew 6:14-15, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” I talked to Elder Hansen (who was the missionary teaching me and who would be baptizing me) about my concerns and he suggested that I fast and pray. I also talked to the local Relief Society President. Sister Hunt loaned me her scriptures and showed me how to use the Topical Guide and the Bible Dictionary. I took her scriptures home, fasted, prayed and read scriptures that night and the next day. I can’t really say that I had any earth shaking revelations, but at some point, an indescribable peaceful feeling came upon me. I no longer had any ill feelings left and I was able to pray sincerely for those who had hurt me. I then felt like I could enter the baptismal waters and enter into those sacred covenants and start my journey of enduring to the end.

I know I’m not alone on this journey. I know that I can call on Heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ, to help me through any challenge and he will give me the strength to endure.

—

Editor’s note: This post originally appeared on this site on June 12, 2008.

The post When Bad Things Happen to Good People: One woman’s journey to overcome the effects of abuse and addiction appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

My name is Behka and I have been happily married to my husband for almost 13 years. Yikes! That sounds like such a long time! I have 7 children, but 2 of my sons passed away as infants to a rare genetic disease. My husband and I are carriers of the disease, so we like to refer to ourselves as ‘genetic mutants.’ So we are raising 5 children ages: 12, 10, 8, 4, and 7 months. And still hoping for more!

I was born and raised LDS, so I was baptized when I was 8 years old. I am from Auburn, WA, just outside of Seattle. Right now I live in Utah. I am in the business of motherhood – and have been for 12 years now. I love it! It’s the only career I have ever wanted. It is so fun watching these sweet children grow up. I promise it does get easier as they get older! In church, I serve as the 2nd counselor in the Stake Young Women’s organization, and it has been by far my favorite calling yet.

I live close to other LDS people, and every Tuesday and Thursday mornings I get together at one of our church buildings with other women and we play basketball. Most of us there have played college ball, so it is very competitive and very fun. We all bring our kids that aren’t school aged yet and they play together while we play. I have also found that as my children get older, whatever they are doing becomes my current hobby – I can’t count the number of basketball, volleyball and soccer games I have watched, cheered at, and coached the past year. I will never get tired of watching my kids play. I also enjoy running, reading, hiking with my husband, and spending time with the family.

I have always known that God is real and that Jesus Christ is His son. I have had many experiences in my life that have strengthened this testimony. The most powerful experience I had was when my second son was dying. I think it is in the most difficult circumstances that Jesus Christ is able to come to us and strengthen us because we realize that we cannot cope on our own, and so He can show Himself to us in an undeniable way. I would like to share a journal entry about this experience. To preface this, we brought our son Josiah home from the hospital on hospice care when he was almost 5 weeks old. They told us he wouldn’t survive the 1-hour car ride home, but I didn’t think it was his time yet. We got to spend 10 extra precious days with him. It was wonderful, but it was still very hard. Here goes:

There is a certain amount of energy required to prepare yourself for the death of your child. It is the most humbling experience to pray to Heavenly Father and tell him it is ok to take back His precious one. You have to give everything you are to Heavenly Father, to align your will with His, because accepting the inevitable death of one so dear is against all natural instincts of a parent. We want to fight it, to do something to make it all better. The times we thought Josiah was going to die and didn’t, proved to be the most exhausting experiences of my life. Partly because of the anguish associated with death, partly because of the spiritual exercise of stripping myself of all pride and selfishness, partly because recognizing if now wasn’t the time, it would be soon enough, and the stress of carrying on in life while death is knocking at the door is excruciating.

The Tuesday night before Josiah died was the worst of all, but was also the turning point in my true acceptance of God’s will. As I lay in bed watching Josiah’s ribs exposed and listening to the crackle of his lungs each time he struggled for a breath, I couldn’t contain my tears. Why does one so innocent and pure need to suffer so? His frail lungs weren’t strong enough to fight off the pneumonia. He wasn’t going to get better this time. I knelt down and from the depths of sorrow and despair I cried to my Heavenly Father. I was painfully aware of my weakness and inadequacy. I didn’t feel equal to the task of watching by as my baby son suffered bitterly, fighting just for breath. I didn’t feel equal to the task of losing him, either. I painfully realized that the only way his suffering would end would be for him to be free from his body. Each realization and admission stripped off the layers of my natural man, one by one, exposing my bare, broken soul. I knelt in a crumpled heap of darkness. In this moment of desperation, I gave everything I could to Heavenly Father. I even gave up my favorite sin of omission and covenanted that it would be a strength from now on, pleading with Heavenly Father that He would comfort Josiah and stop his suffering, knowing what that meant. The despair of death was overwhelming. I closed my prayer. “I lay this burden at Thy feet and pray thy will be done. In life or in death, Thy will be done. I pray for strength to go on, either way.” I climbed back into bed and pulled my son close as sleep overcame my exhausted body.

As it always happens, even after the darkest of nights the sun rises every morning, bringing light and hope of a new day. I sincerely didn’t think Josiah would be with us when I woke up, but he was. Peace and confidence surrounded me. Death still loomed near, but it was no longer a blackness of despair. The stress, strain, and despair were gone. I had given my broken heart to Heavenly Father and the Atonement of Jesus Christ bound it up and gave me strength and courage to go on. ‘I can do this,’, I thought, “I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me.” I would care for Josiah until his life’s mission is complete and then I would cope with his death because I had the strength of Christ in me. I had looked death in the eye and no longer feared it; let it come when it may. For the first time since his first surgery, I was able to enjoy Josiah living without fear of him dying. Time is such a sweet and precious gift.

I am so thankful I was prepared for Josiah’s death. Through the process of aligning my will with God’s, my natural self felt peace and my spirit was able to recognize spiritual things. If I was still afraid of his death and holding on to Josiah’s life, I may have missed one of the most cherished experiences of my life as he passed away.

I know that Jesus Christ lives because every time my heart has been broken, through disappointment, despair, sin, or whatever, I have prayed to my Heavenly Father that my heart will be healed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and I have been healed. There is no power of man that can do this. It is only through the power of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

Through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I have learned that it is possible to be HAPPY amidst the difficulty of life. Being a Mormon Woman does not mean I enjoy a life of ease and simplicity. But I love my life, with all the adventure and demands of a family, and I am happy!
___
For more portraits of Mormon Women click here.

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~ by Dianne Billstrom

As I watched the planes plow into the twin towers in New York City on September 11th, 2001, and viewed the news and the aftermath of that day, these images seemed to pour out of my heart. I observed their reactions to the terrible event, yet knew that in the end freedom would rise triumphant.

Some conspired, for glory, power, or hate,
A shallow reward,
Filled with nothing,
As the towers crumbled
And the dust exploded.

Some danced, reveling in victory and destruction,
No respecter of the
Fragility of life,
As the towers crumbled
And the dust billowed.

Some Samaritans bound up wounds,
Physical and spiritual,
Comforting the afflicted,
As the towers crumbled
And the dust dispersed.

Some prayed, fortifying the spirit
Of God’s children,
Calling for supreme intervention,
When the towers crumbled
And the dust stirred.

Some gathered buckets, clearing debris,
Tirelessly sifting the rubble for signs of life,
One pail at a time,
When the towers crumbled
And the dust settled.

Some raised a banner, red, white and blue,
Symbol of freedom,
Proudly erected,
On the crumbled towers
And the solidified dust.

Some united with hope for peace,
Courageous, despite fear,
Prepared for ultimate sacrifice,
After the towers crumbled
Leaving nothing but dust.

From despair and grief rose unity of spirit,
A kinship of free men,
Resolved with conviction to succeed,
Building towers of strength
Out of the dust.

———

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“I am a recovering addict,” “Ana” said in one of the first meetings we had as a new ward. She openly shared her struggles with drugs, and how much the Church’s addiction recovery program helped her.

If she was afraid of what we would think, she didn’t show it. I don’t think she was, though. She was comfortable enough in her own skin — comfortable in the reality that our struggles in mortality include weakness and even sin — that she wasn’t afraid to say “I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes.”

And we all respected her more because it wasn’t just that she was willing to share her struggles, but that she then testified so boldly, so powerfully, of how God helped her and changed her. The Spirit was strong and I felt uplifted, filled with hope that I could face my sins and weakness and shortcomings with faith and hope.

Another woman who comes to mind is “Emily” — a woman who taught lessons that taught me much about the scriptures. But she also just talked about her life and struggles with depression, and as an imperfect mother of a large family. “I only yelled once yesterday! I’m proud of myself!”

It’s not that I believe we should revel in our weakness and sin. But she wasn’t doing that. She was rejoicing in her progress, and acknowledging in her confession that the beauty of the gospel message is that because of the Savior, Jesus Christ, we can progress, change, grow.

And they reminded me that I don’t have to be perfect.

The truth is that we are all imperfect, and I am grateful for women like Ana and Emily who are willing to share their weakness and how the Lord helped them find strength. They remind me of what the Lord has said:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

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As I left the Missionary Training Center (MTC) to enter the missionary experience, I felt a strong sense of certainty that there was in front of me a vast sea of experiences to be had. I was anxious to share the gospel that I had been taught all of my life. With a renewed sense of urgency and confidence in my ability as a servant of the Lord, I embarked on my journey.

The first six weeks of my mission were spent in Sacramento, California. I had been called to Portugal, but was awaiting a visa before I could travel there. I distinctly remember the feelings I had as I arrived in my first area and met my companions. A sort of realization washed over me and I sensed that the days of dreaming about golden investigators, packages from home, and letters from a “waiting” boyfriend were now becoming a reality about which I was very uncertain. The feeling, as I can best describe it, is not unlike the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you are sitting in your seat on a ride at an amusement park and the bar suddenly locks into place.

About six weeks later, in my first area in Portugal, my companion and I walked along the busy streets of Lisbon, contacting people as they passed by. I had only been in Portugal a few days and had found that the Portuguese I had learned in the MTC differed vastly from the language the people were speaking. I felt insecure in my ability to both understand and communicate. I felt ineffective as a missionary as I easily became lost in conversations. As we walked home one rainy night after a particularly frustrating evening, I felt discouraged. I felt lonely and hoped I was not wasting the Lord’s time. I felt very far from my family and friends, far outside of my comfort zone, and afraid that I was not going to be up to this task.

It was in this rainy state of mind, when I heard in my head the words to a hymn:

“Fear not I am with thee, be not afraid for I am thy God and will still give thee aid” (“How Firm a Foundation,” Hymn #85).

That night I looked up the scripture in Isaiah 41:10,13, which reads:

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.”

I was able to derive from these words the hope that I so critically needed. I felt that I did not have to rely only on my ability, but that Heavenly Father was watching over me and would help me. Whenever I hear that hymn I think of that rainy night and feel in my heart a warm confirmation from my Father who believes in me.

– by Alli

(Did you notice that you can listen to an MP3 recording of this hymn? Find more hymns here. You can download MP3s of music as well.)

Read more First Person essays here.

Would you like to submit a First Person essay? Submit essays to ‘mormonwoman’ AT ‘gmail’ DOT ‘com’.

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I have noticed that women often confuse the trait of being meek with being weak. While we strive to follow the Savior, we must understand that in order for us to do His work, He needs women who are strong–women who know of a surety who they are.

When the Relief Society Declaration was introduced in 1996, I felt a sense of recognition, a validation of what I knew was my role and purpose as a spirit daughter of God. However, it wasn’t until several years later, while reading the Ensign, that I came across a message from the Relief Society General Presidency towards the back of the magazine. It was a brief article about the Declaration titled, “Who We Are.” I had a feeling of excitement as I felt a prompting to write a new song that would take its inspiration from this important document. The song “Who We Are” was the result of that prompting.

I hope when women all over the world hear this song, it will cause them to stand a little taller as daughters of God, then go forward fearlessly doing what only daughters of God can do.

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