Many thanks to Susan Noyles Anderson for giving us permission to share this poem with you. (You can see more of her poetry here.) This poem emerged recently as the three-year anniversary of her son’s death was coming up.

I’m reminded of an insight shared by a friend not long ago, which was shared with her by another friend. We all are acquainted with grief at some point or another in our lives. This friend noted that the Savior, Jesus Christ, talks about His bowels being full of mercy (see verse 6 in 3 Nephi 11 or Alma 7:11-12 for examples)…and that perhaps there is a reason for this. The scriptures teach that all things testify of Christ. That must mean even how our bodies work can teach us.

Perhaps grief is something that is meant to pass through us, to not stay with us too long, at least not in that intense, overwhelming kind of way.

I love how Sue explores this notion in her poem.

Grandma Said
by Susan Noyes Anderson

Soon or late, life teaches lessons
few would choose to learn.
Ours is, at best, a rocky path
with many a twist and turn.

We used to hear, "When things get tough,
the tough get going," right? —
To suck it up, not muck it up,
keep smiling, and hang tight.

Today it's all about self-care
and focusing on feelings.
Hold space, give place to loss and pain,
wade through, make room for healing.

The world has given us hard times
in recent years; it's true.
Most seek relief from current counsel,
and that's good to do.

Embrace those seas of strong emotion:
swim in grief and sorrow.
Be real. It's needed—but past ways
are also good to borrow.

No psychic tool precludes the rest.
No balm is always better.
The bold use methods new and old
to hold themselves together.

It works, sometimes, when down and out
and feeling quite bereft
to focus less on what is lost
and more on what is left.

{My grandma said it best.}

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I went on a study abroad last year. This was one of my favorite places we visited. I’m grateful for the reminders from something I wrote a year ago—beauty from ashes and the Creator is in control.

Beauty from ashes.

What a hopeful thing.

This church was destroyed during WWII. In 1993, they began to rebuild it, and even used some of the original stones (the darker ones in the pictures). After 12 years, it was complete.

As I had the opportunity to visit this magnificent church, I thought about this:

Sometimes the beautiful things we have in our lives may be destroyed, right before our eyes. We may see a pile of rubble and not exactly know what to do with it, or how to piece it back together. However, one day, when the time is right (as patience is often required), it can be rebuilt. One brick at a time. Until this new and beautiful thing is complete.

It took 12 years for this church to be rebuilt. What’s that saying? “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Find patience. Find the joy in the journey of rebuilding. It’s there. You’ll just need to work some to dig around in the pile of rubble and find it. This church was completed by using pieces of its burnt self. It stands as a constant reminder that beauty really can come from ashes. Its scars provide hope for a better and more beautiful future.

“If mortal hands can transform rubble and ruins into a beautiful house of worship, then we can have confidence and trust that our loving Heavenly Father can and will rebuild us. His plan is to build us into something far greater than what we were—far greater than what we can ever imagine. With each step of faith on the path of discipleship, we grow into the beings of eternal glory and infinite joy we were designed to become.” -Dieter F. Uchtdorf (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2016/04/he-will-place-you-on-his-shoulders-and-carry-you-home?lang=eng)

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Lauren Willardson was serving as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Houston, Texas when an intruder broke into her apartment while she and her companion were sleeping. She was stabbed multiple times.

Even hearing that stirs a reaction in me, like a Momma Bear wanting to protect her cub! But what stirs me more is to hear how God has helped her turn this horrible experience into a faith-building, Christ-testifying opportunity. I move from wanting to protect her to wanting to learn from her.

Of course, Lauren and her companion fought hard for their lives in those terrifying moments. Adrenaline did its job, but then that wore off and she started to comprehend what had happened. She had multiple wounds up and down her body. While her companion called for an ambulance, her brain started to move past the limbic response and began to comprehend the extent of her wounds.

But how she was enabled, through grace, to view her wounds is breathtaking to read.

“As I sat there with my limbs tensing up to the point I could not move, not knowing if I was going to bleed to death, I remember looking down at my hand and seeing that it had been stabbed through the middle. While you may think that this would be an alarming sight to behold, I remember feeling the greatest peace as my mind instantly thought of a similar wound in the hands of One much greater than I. As more wounds were discovered on me in the ambulance and procedures following, I soon learned that my intestines had been pierced near my side, and my ankle pierced through as well right above my foot. With these three wounds I have learned more about the Atonement of Jesus Christ than I had ever understood previously. As I thought of His pierced hands, and feet, and side, and felt the pain of my own wounds in similar spots, I finally understood a microscopic proportion of just what Christ [chose to go] through to save us.” 

She writes of many other miracles that let her know that her time to leave the earth had not yet come and how she has felt the Savior’s grace help her through this time of recovery.

I was also so moved by how she felt God helped her forgive her assailant.

“I felt sorry for his family,” she said. “It was really sad, you know? You feel sad that someone would make that decision and how it’s going to affect their life. You just hope for the best for them that they can find Jesus Christ themselves.”…

“God didn’t want me to be stuck with the anger or the hurt or whatever it may be after an event like this if I couldn’t forgive him,” she said. “Because I was trying to do good things and be in a good place and be a good person, I think that he blessed me with that well of grace to draw from so I could forgive him completely.”

To share more of her healing journey, Lauren started an Instagram account called “the.work.of.his.hands” to continue to share her faith and to reach out to others who are also wounded in other ways.

Lauren is a living witness of the healing power of Jesus Christ.

How are you seeing Christ’s love and care in your life or the lives of those you care about?

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I don’t know if Cassy Budd would use the term healing in the telling of her story, but she speaks healing truth to me. I was so grateful to have this devotional, entitled “On Failure and Finishing,” pop up after listening to Craig Manning’s address. (What a wonderful divine Valentine’s Day gift!)

Cassy is a master storyteller, and she hits on so many false beliefs that many of us carry around…and on how the Savior wants to help us in and with and because of our weakness and failure — not after we figure out how to save ourselves! Learning how to let go and let Him is so much what our part is about.

Once again, I express gratitude for the courage it takes to share weakness in such a vulnerable way. I truly believe it is only in the context of our weakness that we can help each other find God’s strength and healing power. (Again, if we could save or fix ourselves, why would there need to be a Savior?)

My favorite insights (if it’s possible to have favorite insights from a talk like this) are at the end as she talks about her spelunking guide, Mike. The parallels to the Savior’s grace, wisdom, and love are stunning.

(I shared this with multiple friends, and hope you will do the same.)

The post Stories of healing: Seeing failure and weakness as gifts appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

I had more than one person recommend this devotional address to me last week. I’m glad I listened to it.

Craig Manning is a sports psychologist at Brigham Young University who has taken what he has learned from personal experience, academic study, and years of coaching/consulting to identify truths and tools that can help people access the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

He has used these principles to help himself, athletes, business people, musicians, and those seeking recovery from addictions.

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My daughter and I stumbled across this video as we were looking for inspiring Sabbath day videos to watch. This young woman’s story confirms the feeling that I have had that even youth can understand the principles that it took me decades to understand.

I am grateful to Hannah for courageously sharing her story.

Published on Feb 9, 2017
Hannah tried to take her life at 17. Bullying and negative self-talk led her to believe that she wasn’t worth loving. Surviving her suicide attempt gave Hannah the chance to find out why that was far from the truth.

Hannah received help through professional treatment, support from her parents, and prayer. She asked Heavenly Father why he had saved her from dying. Why did He care now, when He never had before?

“I had a lot of prayers answered and the biggest thing I heard was, ‘I care, and I always have, and I always will,’” Hannah says. “If any other person in the world says that they don’t care, they don’t love me, they don’t know me, at least I know that God does.”

Mormon Channel is a great place to find personal stories of some of the how finding hope and healing through Christ. Their His Grace and Hope Works are great series to watch, and Enduring it Well also has many personal stories of healing. Peruse the site for more podcasts and videos.

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The post Stories of healing: Surviving suicide appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Mark’s story has been one of the most influential in my life. I have heard him share his story multiple times. The false beliefs he developed began when he was a young child. (Next time you hear about an addict, and wonder why they just don’t stop doing what they are doing, please don’t assume that they are “just making bad choices.” So often — in fact, almost always — they need healing from deeply-seeded false beliefs that have often existed for years, if not decades (often since childhood).

I will be eternally grateful to people like Mark who bravely, repeatedly have share their stories to  help others find hope. They have been my little-s saviors on Mt. Zion.

(Watch the video below or by clicking on the image above. You can also read Mark’s story of addiction recovery and deep beliefs-level healing.)

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One of the things I didn’t understand for the first 40 years of my life (I call those my 40 years in the wilderness) is that when we seek healing and help from God, there are layers of healing that can happen when we become aware of our thoughts.

I  have suffered from OCD and anxiety since I was a young child. For many years, I also suffered from dysthymia (a low-level form of depression —  “persistent depressive disorder” that is less pronounced than major depressive disorder but still impacts life in a significant way).

I can still remember as a child praying earnestly for God to take away my fears. But they never went away. I was so confused by this!

And I think at some point in my tween/teen life I gave up asking. (My heart hurts to even write those words.)

Now let me say that I didn’t lose my testimony. I still believed in God. I felt God guide me throughout my life, especially in major decisions (although I was always, always afraid that somehow I would make the wrong decisions and mess up my plan forever). I felt the Spirit on many occasions. I was diligent in scripture study, prayer, church attendance, and temple worship. I served a mission. I married in the temple. I did everything active Mormons do. (I don’t share this at all to boast; this is just what my journey looked like.)

I also share these things to show that all the doing of my Mormon life was not sufficient to heal my mind, heart, and spirit.

In spite of my religious habits, which were done with a good heart and real intent, I wasn’t ever consistently at peace. I was ignorant to how my own thoughts were sabotaging my spiritual health and leaving me weary of life. (I believe God unveiled me to this reality at a time when things were right in my life. But I also believe that my life could have been different had I known what I know now. And so I share in hopes that others “can be more wise than [I] have been.“)

The messages in my head were pretty constant, and included things like “You are not enough.” “What if you go through all of this life thing and find out you didn’t make it?” “You should be able to fix yourself. You have a testimony. Why aren’t you happy?” Or I would feel mad at God because I had so little peace. I would listen to conference talks and talks at church, and I would read scriptures, and I would attend the temple. And my brain still ended up feeling hopeless, seeing all I wasn’t doing. Then, because I had such a testimony, I thought the answer was simply to be more religious, to work harder to be more diligent, more dutiful.

Those in the Church who suffer from anxiety and depression may relate to some of these thoughts. Even though I had a testimony and was earnestly active in the Church, I simply didn’t know how to believe in God’s love for me (even though I could believe in it for others!) because THESE. THOUGHTS. WERE. SO. LOUD. (Yes, the all-caps was on purpose.)

I can’t speak for God, but I feel like He didn’t answer those little-girl prayers to simply take away my fears, because He knew that my 40 years in the wilderness would teach me something about my Egypt, my bondage.

God was allowing me to learn by experience to seek truth by learning through life experience what was not truth. He wasn’t ignoring me or torturing me. He was simply allowing me to experience my fall so I could know what the contrasting, personal, on-this-side-of-the-veil salvation would feel like when it was time for that healing to start to come.

I had to reach a pretty low point where I wanted more than some sort of quick-fix relief from my pain, fear, and shame. Life and health issues also brought me to a point where I couldn’t work harder or more. I had to learn how to work differently. What I needed was healing at my core, at that root level of my thoughts. That healing for me couldn’t start to happen until I connected with others further along this specific, thought-level approach to seeking the healing power of Christ.

I needed to know, first, that healing. is. possible. And I needed guidance on the how.

For me, angel-from-heaven therapists were a start and have been critical to my healing. But the real change for me started happening when I followed through on the heaven-sent idea to attend 12-step meetings, which I have been attending regularly for five years now. Immersing myself in a healing community has been life-changing. The Twelve Steps also have taught me the how of accessing the Atonement. It’s the different work that my mind and spirit had actually been desiring to understand since my youth. (I still remember asking people in my teens what it meant to put things at Jesus’ feet. I knew the what. But no one ever explain a how that I could wrap my head around. The Twelve Steps changed that for me.)

With that hope from hearing others’ stories of healing, and learning from their how, I eventually started to engage my own process of learning to identify and start to surrender these voices in my head. (Think of Moses’ experience in Moses 1 where he first experienced truth about God’s nature and power as the foundation to be able to recognize how much the devil truly was not God. I was a faithful member of the Church, so temple-recommend type of obedience was not my issue. But obedience alone to the commandments was not enough to heal my mind. My fallen thoughts were a channel for the devil to have a hold on my life.)

Along the way, I also have had impressions (personal commandments!) to do things like yoga and meditation as well (great tools for helping one learn how to observe one’s thoughts in a non-judgmental way and to be more present rather than obsessed with the past or the future).

I now understand that because my OCD and anxiety started when I was barely at the age of accountability, perhaps even before, the false beliefs around which my mind developed have been around for a long, long time. I now understand that it will continue to take time for the layers to be revealed to me, but I’m learning to cherish the process. God shows up in amazing ways to let me know that the real truth about Him is nothing like I had imagined in the hamster wheel of my head. As we learn in Lectures on Faith, we can’t really exercise faith in God unless we have a correct understanding of His character and attributes. Through this find-and-surrender/replace process, I am coming to know a God who is more gentle, loving, kind, patient, and ever-ready to help me than I ever could have dreamed. He meets me where I am and takes me one baby step, one thought at a time, to show me more of who He really is. He isn’t angry when I can’t just figure it out or fix myself.

In fact, one of the most important truths that has come to light is that it is simply not my job to change or fix myself. That doesn’t mean I sit passively. I can use my agency to surround myself with people engaging in this process. I can be willing to learn from the pain of my unhealthy thought patterns, and let the pain teach me (rather than expecting God to anesthetize me). I can choose to pray for courage to seek knowledge and insight from the pain that my hamster-wheel thoughts cause me (rather than trying to force myself to think differently — which only breeds shame — I can practice being kind to myself in that process). I can do my usual Mormon stuff (scriptures, prayers, church, temple, service) and also do the things that I now know help me stay plugged into this process and the hope for healing (my 12-step meetings and study of 12-step recovery stories and truths, taking walks with friends who are engaged in a similar process).

As I become aware and gently observe thought patterns that do me harm, I can journal and (especially) talk to others about what I am seeing. But it really gets exciting when I then turn to God to start giving Him my false beliefs and letting Him give me truth to replace those beliefs. I call this the divine find-and-replace process.

Again, I used to just expect Him to make my mind better, to make me feel better. I was confused and hurt and scared when He didn’t. This was an innocent desire, but an ignorant one.

I wanted a cure, but God wanted me to find the healing power of Christ.

I wanted instant relief, but now I realize He wants to give me more than that.

He wants to give me experience engaging Him in a very personal way. He wants to heal me at my core. It is a very individualized, sacred process. There are patterns of truth that appear in what others experience in this process (which is why I treasure my 12-step meetings), but the truths I practice believing are mine, from God, for me. I write them on my mirror and in my journal, and I ask support people to help me practice believing them. We practice believing together.

It is in identifying my personal pavilions —  my own fallen, false beliefs (again, many of which I developed when I was a tender child) — that I become ready for Him to teach me about who He really is. How He really feels about me.

I am coming to believe that this is what Alma talks about when he talked about exercising faith. Faith isn’t about outcomes. It’s about a process. For me, it’s about God helping me identify the weeds that were choking out my seed that has been there all along, wanting to grow. He is helping me prepare the ground of my mind to create more space for Him.

This kind of faith is so much different than when I was trying to somehow earn God’s fixing power by simply being more religious. Without meaning to, I was treating God like a vending machine by focusing on the quick-fix relief I wanted. I now understand that He wants to engage a sweeter-than-sweet-fruit process with me that I can plug into every day.

I am repeating myself, I know. But the principles and patterns in this process are so powerful!

It’s also important to know that I have not been magically cured of my OCD or anxiety (although the persistent, depressive state I was in is all but gone). My brain still has a tendency to get stuck very easily. But I have tools now. Tools and truth. I feel like I have been given new life.

And, interestingly enough, my weak things allow God to show me His strength. Were all of my mortal weaknesses taken from me, I don’t think I would desire to lean on Him like I do now. (The words of Paul and Moroni mean so much more to me now.)

This week, I’d like to share a few stories (including ones I have just across this past week) that reflect some of these tools and truths. Only one resource that I will share will be from the Twelve Step world; I realize that not everyone will need or benefit from 12-step work. But the principles found in this process are true, and they show up in a lot of different ways, in a lot of different tools and techniques. I gain confidence in truth when those patterns appear.

Because even as this is a spiritual process, it’s also a very earthy one. Our brains are part of our fallen selves, and when we can work with God to bring our thoughts more into alignment with spiritual truth, I think it’s a way for us to experience more of the joy that God intends for us in this life. Through this process, I am coming to believe that we can experience glimpses of resurrected joy on this side of the veil.

For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element…connected, receive…joy;

And when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy.

The elements are the tabernacle of God; yea, man is the tabernacle of God, even temples

I share these experiences, tools, and truth because I know there are others out there like me. I know there are many people who are suffering (sometimes ignorantly, often in silence) with their own shame and hamster-wheel thoughts, whether because of mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar or other disorders; childhood abuse or trauma; adult traumas — or simply just because we all have layers that develop because we are mortal. Through the journey we call life, our mortal brains find quick-fix ways to make sense of our world, and often the false beliefs and coping mechanisms that develop along the way take up space where God wants to give truth.

I hope that some of what is shared here can be helpful. I know God cares about your pain. Don’t give up on the process; the pain can actually show you where He wants to heal you. Find others who can help and who understand. There is hope! Healing is possible!

With love,

Michelle

MormonWoman.org admin

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For my soul delighteth in plainness; for after this manner doth the Lord God work among the children of men. For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding. -2 Nephi 31:3

One of the things that is amazing about the work of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that the scriptures and teachings of living prophets are translated into so many different languages, and that missionaries are serving around the world, learning to speak the native tongues of the people among whom they serve. To me, this is a fulfillment of prophecy that the Lord’s anointed would go into every nation, kindred, tongue and people and that He speaks to men in language that they can understand.

I also have a personal belief that this notion of God speaking to His children in language they can understand isn’t only about native tongues and language translation, but also about the many ways God can and does reach out to His children, based on His intimate knowledge of where each of us is in our personal journeys.

For example, I read a post last night from someone who left the Church for a time. (You can read more of his personal story in that post and in the links he provides.)

His name is Jeff. Jeff has since come back, and spends a decent amount of time sharing about the snares that caught him and kept him away from the Church.

He also talks about what helped him come to himself.

“I began to read Hayek, MacIntyre, Rorty and Gouldner…. I wrote [thoughts] in a moleskin notebook that I kept with me at all times.”

These are names with which I am not familiar, because I do not speak the language of philosophy. But God knew that my friend does.

“Hayek chipped away at my welfare liberal convictions, MacIntyre shook my confidence in modernity, Rorty undermined my scientism and Gouldner exposed the dark side of my intellectualism.  These all set the stage for a reevaluation of my reasons for leaving the church.”

I do not know what it is like to leave the Church but I do know what it is like to feel God’s loving arms reaching out to me through a variety of means, including the works and words of those who are not of my faith (and perhaps sometimes of no faith at all). I have also witnessed God’s hand in others’ lives through so many means that, at the moment, may not include the fullness of the restored gospel.

I believe wholeheartedly in the restored gospel and in the Church. But I’ve also become more willing to see that God is the One who guides each person’s journey. If now is not the time for the gospel in their lives, just as He did with Jeff, He will work in His own way and time — and in a language they can understand — to reach and teach them.

I share these thoughts for two reasons. One is that I know that there are many who have loved ones who have left the Church and/or are struggling with it. Please don’t dismay. He is mindful of them, and will reach out to them as much as they will let Him, in a way that they can understand that will only reflect how personally He knows them.

Secondly, I know there are some who at times may struggle with language used in gospel/Church teaching. I have had my own challenges with this over the years, strong testimony notwithstanding.

I wonder if those of us who grew up in the Church might be particularly susceptible to this. Sometimes unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior can be intertwined with gospel language. As such, at least in my experience, it can sometimes be difficult to tease out what is truth and what is tradition of the fathers or culture or unhealthy personal thought patterns that no one ever knew to help redirect.

For me, for example, somehow I internalized a view of a God who is mean and vengeful. I was always an obedient, “good” child and I think I thought I had to save myself through perfect performance. Some would like to say this is a Mormon problem, but  research is showing that shame and perfectionism are human problems, not just Mormon problems. (Thank you, Brené Brown!)

We are each continually being given opportunities to learn to choose between light and truth and darkness and error. And it takes practice. We make mistakes. That is why there is an Atonement!

And in the meantime, God will never stop trying to reach out to us, however we may be ready and willing to hear Him and receive His light and love.

I rejoice not only that God has restored the gospel of Jesus Christ to the earth, but also that through people in various spheres, He brings light and truth to those who seek, in a language they can understand. Languages in fields such as philosophy and psychology and science and sociology and leadership and healthy living and myriad other spheres are incomplete and imperfect to be sure, but I believe there are people being led to light in a variety of ways, all that can play a part in the whole of bringing people closer to God, “line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little” (2 Nephi 28:30).

For me, in addition to the foundation of light and truth that has been part of my life because I believe in ancient and modern prophets, life-altering light and truth has also come through people like Beattie and Brown, Cloud and Townsend, Tolle and hundreds of people in various 12-step programs. (Hi, my name is Michelle, and I’m a recovering perfectionist, and yes, I do 12-step work to help me with my tendency toward shame and blame.) My faith is stronger because of people who are filling the measure of their creation in their professional and ministerial work, even as they don’t share my specific religious beliefs.

Whether you are someone personally seeking to better understand God, or you know someone who is struggling or who has wandered for a time, I testify of a God who will speaks to each of us in ways we can understand as we seek Him — and sometimes even when we don’t. He is always, always at work for our good and the good of those we love.

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