Many thanks to Susan Noyles Anderson for giving us permission to share this poem with you. (You can see more of her poetry here.) This poem emerged recently as the three-year anniversary of her son’s death was coming up.

I’m reminded of an insight shared by a friend not long ago, which was shared with her by another friend. We all are acquainted with grief at some point or another in our lives. This friend noted that the Savior, Jesus Christ, talks about His bowels being full of mercy (see verse 6 in 3 Nephi 11 or Alma 7:11-12 for examples)…and that perhaps there is a reason for this. The scriptures teach that all things testify of Christ. That must mean even how our bodies work can teach us.

Perhaps grief is something that is meant to pass through us, to not stay with us too long, at least not in that intense, overwhelming kind of way.

I love how Sue explores this notion in her poem.

Grandma Said
by Susan Noyes Anderson

Soon or late, life teaches lessons
few would choose to learn.
Ours is, at best, a rocky path
with many a twist and turn.

We used to hear, "When things get tough,
the tough get going," right? —
To suck it up, not muck it up,
keep smiling, and hang tight.

Today it's all about self-care
and focusing on feelings.
Hold space, give place to loss and pain,
wade through, make room for healing.

The world has given us hard times
in recent years; it's true.
Most seek relief from current counsel,
and that's good to do.

Embrace those seas of strong emotion:
swim in grief and sorrow.
Be real. It's needed—but past ways
are also good to borrow.

No psychic tool precludes the rest.
No balm is always better.
The bold use methods new and old
to hold themselves together.

It works, sometimes, when down and out
and feeling quite bereft
to focus less on what is lost
and more on what is left.

{My grandma said it best.}

The post Poetry: “Grandma Said” appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

~by Michelle

The Book of Mormon is another book of ancient scripture, a companion to the Bible. We have the stories of God’s dealings with ancient peoples in the Old World in the Bible, and we have more about His dealings with scattered peoples from the house of Israel who were led to the Americas in the Book of Mormon.

The book begins with the story of Lehi and Sariah and their family. Lehi was a prophet in Jerusalem around 600 B.C. (around the time of Jeremiah), and people were plotting his death because he was preaching about the destruction that was coming (destruction that we know actually happened, historically speaking, after Nebuchadnezzar invaded Judah and destroyed the city and the temple ca. 589-587 B.C.)

But the people in Jerusalem weren’t the only people plotting Lehi’s death. Two of his own sons, Laman and Lemuel, who reluctantly followed their parents out of Jerusalem, did not believe in Lehi’s prophecies, and constantly wished for their life back in Jerusalem (even though Lehi had seen, once they left, that the city had indeed been destroyed).

Nephi, who writes the record of his family’s experiences, was the younger brother. He received his own answers and confirmations of the truth of what Lehi was teaching and doing, and so he tried to help his brothers see and understand. But repeatedly, they rejected what they both saw and heard (including angels).

Nephi says this to his brothers at one point:

 Ye are ^aswift to do iniquity but slow to remember the Lord your God. Ye have seen an ^bangel, and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were ^cpast feeling, that ye could not feel his words; wherefore, he has spoken unto you like unto the voice of thunder, which did cause the earth to shake as if it were to divide asunder. (1 Nephi 17:45)

It’s pretty easy for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to roll their eyes a bit at Laman and Lemuel, but I think there something for each of us in their story. Even though this family actually existed and this is a story of their lives, as is often the case with scripture, there is also archetype in the story.

As humans and spirit children of heavenly parents, we all have a divine spark in us that wants to follow light and truth (like Nephi wanted to). As struggling mortals, we also all have a part of us that wants comfort, ease, control, or other not-so-good things as a way to get through the hard stuff of life.

As I recently contemplated the above verse, I realized that the archetype can also capture elements of our mortal experience that may not always be about willful rebellion but could relate to struggles that are just part of what it means to be human, to be fallen creatures in a fallen world.

Take anxiety and depression, for example. A friend of mine named Wendi recently shared in a podcast about her struggle with bipolar disorder. She says,

There’s a spiritual dynamic of depression that people don’t always know about. It’s almost as if there’s like a force field around you where it’s very hard to feel answers to prayer. It’s very hard to feel the Spirit, it’s very hard to feel anything light, or good, or spiritual. That’s the most tragic part, I think, of depression is that the thing that can help most is sometimes the thing you can feel least.

Consider the pain of grief as another example. Words can’t really capture the examples I’ve encountered, particularly of friends who have lost children, but grief…grief can put one in a place where feeling God just isn’t possible for a time, and sometimes for a long time. A body and brain in trauma sometimes just have to do what they have to do to process the trauma in very temporal, sometimes tedious ways before the light of God’s peace can break through again.

I’ve also watched hundreds of women experience betrayal trauma (work here led me to create a separate space for such women, as their cries for help via internet searches stretched far beyond the confines of what this website was created to be). As I have walked with women suffering from intense, PTSD-like symptoms, they, too, often will start that journey of healing first in a place where they cannot feel God. They wonder where He could be in such agony. Sometimes they experience anger toward God. “Why would He have guided me to marry this person knowing that I would be betrayed?”

In other words, channeling the language of the scripture above, sometimes one can struggle with mental or emotional or relational wounds or illness, or other life struggles, that can inhibit one’s ability to feel God and His words and His truth.

I recently read a book [The Power of Stillness: Mindful Living for Latter-day Saints**] that talked about how even just the pure overload of life stresses can leave one feeling past feeling — enough so that some may even doubt that their faith or experiences with God were ever even real at all.

Compounding the struggle for some can be a sense of self-doubt on top of it all which can look something like this: “What am I doing wrong? I must be doing something wrong because I can’t feel the Spirit. I can’t feel God’s love.” Or perhaps worse is the guilt of being angry at God in the process of experiencing grief, pain, or traumatic injuries (physical or emotional).

Perhaps you have walked your own Via Dolorosa that looks different from the above examples, but that has similar effects of leaving you feeling numb. Past feeling.

I have tasted some of that walled-off-from-heaven feeling many times in my half century of life. I have struggled with anxiety and dysthymia (persistent but low-level depression) for most of my life, and have also had a couple of pretty major depressive phases that left me feeling a bit like I was walking through a tub of tar.

During one of these difficult times, I told a bishop (leader of our local congregation) that I felt like I was living behind a glass wall. I could see things that were real and true in some sense. But I struggled to feel God’s love for such stretches that I felt like I was living in another space, separate from what I believed and knew to be true. It’s like it all felt true for others, but I couldn’t get past the glass to feel it again myself. I’ve also felt that proverbial “my prayers aren’t getting past the ceiling” feeling more times than I can count.

As I’ve gotten older and had more experiences with the ups and downs of my struggles with mental illness and other challenges — and even just with the ebbs and flows of life — I am more able to walk through these times knowing that the feeling may not always be there in the moment, but I can still find ways to find God.

I started this site years ago because I have such a firm belief in God’s love, and His love for women. He knows me, He knows you. He knows the number of hairs on our head (or those we people may have lost). He knows the number of tears we have shed. He knows of the sparrow’s song and its fall. He knows the prayers we speak and those we cannot utter (see Romans 8:26).

But when I cannot feel these truths, I look for tender mercies — because I can see them. They are tangible, even when I can’t feel God in any given moment or period of time.

I’m grateful for David A. Bednar who first helped me understand that I can treat such “coincidences” as real evidence of God’s awareness of me. He repeated three times in his talk that it is often the timing of things that can help us identify something as a tender mercy. When it just seems too coincidental, or when the universe seems to be lining things up in a perceivable way (some call this sychronicity), that can be a tender mercy of God at work.

Take bluebirds as a simple example. The string of stories is too much to share here, but suffice it to say that bluebirds are one way that God says, “I am here.” The painting at the top of this post was given to me by my daughter to remind me of this simple way God shows up for me. Tender mercies can include running into someone at just the right time, having patterns and themes of ideas or principles cross my path repeatedly in a short period of time, reading a scripture or having someone say something that was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. Tender mercies are like God telling me, as Elder Tai said as he shared his own tender mercy memory in April 2020: ““I am here, and I know where you are. Just do your best, for I will take care of the rest.”

The more I look for and pray for eyes to see tender mercies (and record them, wherever possible), the more I have stored up for the wilderness times when I my feelings are clouded with anxiety, fear, self-doubt, or other emotions. Of course, I continually try to use tools I have learned to foster good mental health, but my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health improve when I am seeking to practice gratitude and to look for and acknowledge tender mercies in my life. I’m often so delighted — even shocked — by what I see that I sometimes call tender mercies delightful surprises!

What helps you hold onto faith during hard times when it may be to feel God’s love?

**I received nothing for mentioning this book. I’m sharing because it was a helpful book for me to read. 🙂

The post When I can’t “feel His words” appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Elder Quentin L. Cook, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, shared some simple and powerful thoughts in response to this tragedy. After expressing sincere condolences and an expression of support and love for those mourning Bishop Sannar’s death, he notes that:

[P]rinciples grounded in moral agency sometimes result in heartbreaking consequences in this life…but all that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the primary security in this life.

Our hearts go out to Bishop Sannar’s family, friends, and others who knew him.

Read more of Elder Cook’s response to Bishop Sannar’s death

Read more about what Mormons belief about life after death

The post Mormon Apostle’s Thoughts After California Bishop’s Death appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

A few years ago as we were finishing up driving kids to school, my four year old piped up from the back seat:

“Mom, if I die, I’ll be with Jesus, and Elvis, and Donny Osmond’s dad, and Donny Osmond’s dad’s wife.”

It wasn’t a question — he had just explained with conviction what he had come to know (or always knew, or hadn’t forgotten yet) was true.

The Book of Mormon prophet Alma taught that same truth to his son Corianton in Alma 40:11.

Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.

I know how it feels to wonder what happens after this life. My first experience with death came when I was 10 years old. We had lived with my grandparents for five years when my grandmother developed cancer and passed away. I wanted to know if she was okay, if she was really in heaven as I had been taught, and so I prayed.

As I walked through our apartment later, I smelled my grandmother’s perfume. I asked my mother if she had brought home any of Grandma’s clothes or anything. She said she hadn’t. I knew then that Heavenly Father had heard my prayer, and that He had sent that little miracle to let me know that Grandma was okay.

A few decades later my other grandmother started talking about her family and childhood each time we would talk on the phone. I could feel her great love for them, and her longing to be with them again – they had all died before her.

Not too much later, she suffered a massive stroke, and we were told it wouldn’t be very long before she passed away. My aunt called me from the hospice, and asked if I would like to talk to Grandma – she said she would put the phone to Grandma’s ear.

As I talked to her, reminding her of her family, it was as if I could see the great family reunion she would experience on the other side of the veil that separates this life from the next. I knew that her parents, brothers and sisters, and the ancestors she had told me about were excitedly awaiting her arrival.

I know that joyful family reunion happened when she passed on!

After experiencing the death of his wife, Robert Blatchford learned this truth, too. He explained, “Death is not what some people imagine. It is only like going into another room. In that other room we shall find the dear women and men and the sweet children we have loved and lost.”(More Things in Heaven and Earth: Adventures in Quest of a Soul (1925), 11, quote by President Thomas S. Monson in “I Know That My Redeemer Lives!“)

In late August, 2005, our neighborhood was deeply touched by the accidental death of a small boy. I know it was no coincidence that in the unusually early September issue of the Ensign magazine President Thomas S. Monson reassured us of God’s mindfulness of those who remain:

God in His infinite mercy has not left grieving loved ones to wonder. He has provided truth. He will inspire an upward reach, and His outstretched arms will embrace you. Jesus promises to one and all who grieve, ‘I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.’ (John 14:18)

There is only one source of true peace. I am certain that the Lord, who notes the fall of a sparrow, looks with compassion upon those who have been called upon to part—even temporarily—from their precious children. The gifts of healing and of peace are desperately needed, and Jesus, through His Atonement, has provided them for one and all.

The Savior Jesus Christ gave us this beautiful promise as recorded in John 14:1-3:

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

In my Father’s house are many mansions: …. I go to prepare a place for you.

And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

At that beautiful family reunion!

The post That Great Family Reunion appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

“…we rejoice in our conviction that our family is bound by eternal ties that cannot be severed by death…. Our great hope is that reflection on the lives of Rebecca and Rachel will spur all of us – those close to us and those unknown – to consider more fully the eternal plan that a loving God has for each of His children. Many have questioned, ‘How can they bear it? How can they go on?’ We testify that the atoning sacrifice of our Savior, Jesus Christ, is sufficient to overcome our deepest sorrows and heaviest burdens. When our strength is depleted, we are certain that He will shoulder the weight of our sadness. Saturday’s services will reinforce this faith, and we invite all to participate in what is sure to be a spiritually-uplifting and life-affirming day.”

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

The post The Power of Faith in the Face of Tragedy appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

I am a forty-eight year old wife and mother and a former school teacher. I enjoy reading, logic games, spending time with my family and volunteering in my daughters’ school. I have two interrelated stories that demonstrate how I know that God is aware of me and loves me, and that He answers our prayers.

In the mid nineteen eighties I served as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Belgium and France. The President of the Belgium Brussels Mission at that time was G. Perrin Walker, an attorney from Tacoma, Washington. In 1992, I moved from Virginia to Washington state. In 1993, I met the man who is now my husband and we were married in 1994. We were married in the Seattle, Washington Temple, and my former mission president and his wife were able to join us there. Both my husband and I were looking forward to having a family and hoped to have four children, ideally, two boys and two girls. In 2002, when our third daughter was seventeen months old, we learned that we were expecting another baby. We were thrilled since I had just turned forty-one and we were eager to have our fourth child before I got much older.

The early part of the pregnancy went smoothly and the baby seemed to be developing normally. Then at nineteen weeks we learned that the fetus had died. It was a baby boy with trisomy 18, a chromosomal abnormality. After delivering the baby our doctor strongly suggested that we not have another child. My initial feeling was that I didn’t want to risk going through that experience again.

However, within a few weeks I realized I still longed for another baby and my husband felt very much the same. We soon began trying to conceive but as the months passed without any success we began to worry that my age was making it unlikely. Our daughters were so disappointed that we had lost their baby brother and they prayed each night that Heavenly Father would send a baby boy to our family. My husband and I offered similar prayers. Not only did we pray about it, but we fasted on several occasions to be blessed with another child.

After months of disappointment I began to consider that the Lord didn’t intend for us to have another baby and started to ask the Lord if it was His will that we have another child or if I should stop focusing on that and put all my energy into caring for the children I already had. I tried to feel some response in my heart to these prayers but I really didn’t feel that I was receiving an impression either way. One particular weekend I chose to fast about this issue. As I fasted, I prayed fervently that I would feel an assurance either that we should continue trying to conceive, or that I should try to lay aside my hope for another child. In spite of the effort I expended I did not feel that I was any closer to an answer to my prayer. I went to Church Sunday morning feeling very frustrated and questioning my ability to feel the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

During the worship service my toddler became disruptive and I got up to take her out of the chapel. As we walked through the back of the chapel I saw my former mission president sitting in the congregation. Though we live only about forty minutes away from one another, we had only seen one another a handful of times since returning from Europe. He was (and is) serving as an Area Authority for the church in addition to his work as a lawyer so he had very little free time. When I asked what he was doing there he told me that I had been very much on his mind recently and he felt he needed to come see me. His wife told me later that day that it was only the second Sunday in a two month period that he had been free from assignments at Church conferences and he chose to spend his free Sunday driving all the way out to see me at Church. It was a wonderful surprise, and I was thrilled to be able to spend time with the two of them.

It was only later that I recognized that this was a response to my fasting and prayer. I could no longer deny that the Lord was aware of me when He had prompted one of his very busy servants to go well out of his way to check on my welfare. I was overcome with feelings of humility and gratitude. Although I still didn’t know if there was another baby in our future, I did know that the Lord was aware of me and I felt surrounded by His love.

Later that year a good friend of ours gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and early the next year a young family with a particularly cute baby girl moved into our ward/congregation. Our family had continued to pray for a baby boy to join our family but as my daughters saw those two baby girls at Church each week they decided it might be fun to have another baby girl. Soon, we began praying that, though we had all hoped to have a baby boy in our family, we would also be happy to welcome a baby girl. Within a few months of beginning these prayers, we learned that our fourth daughter was on the way.

We realized that our Heavenly Father had been answering our prayers all along: we had been asking for a baby boy, and
in His wisdom, He knew that this was not what was best for us, so he answered no; when we asked for a baby girl, His answer was yes.
– – – – – – –
For more portraits of Mormon women, please click here.

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My father-in-law passed away recently. He and my mother-in-law lived together for 41 years (I guess you would call it common law). Here is the problem: My mother-in-law paid for the burial and he was cremated, but when she went to the funeral home to pick up his ashes, they would not release them to her. [Apparently they said the next-of-kin should receive them.] Now his adult daughter who had no relationship with him wants half of his ashes. My mother-in-law is heartbroken and does not want to separate his ashes.

What can we say to his daughter in a nice way to get her to understand how my mother-in-law feels and how she should have all his ashes?

Answer by: Brenda**

When I read your question in our inbox, I was dumbfounded. I had no idea how to answer. As time passed, a Bible story kept pushing itself forward to the front of my consciousness. I could feel your anxiety through your words, and it reminded me of the anxiety felt by the disciples of Jesus Christ at His death.

When even was come, there came a rich man of Arimathaea, named Joseph, who also himself was Jesus’ disciple; He went to Pilate, and begged the body of Jesus. Then Pilate commanded the body to be delivered. And when Joseph had taken the body, he wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, And laid it in his own tomb, which he had hewn out in the rock: and he rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulcher, and departed. (emphasis added) (Matthew 27:57)

And the women also, which came with him from Galilee, followed after, and beheld the sepulcher, and how his body was laid. And they returned, and prepared spices and ointments: and rested the Sabbath day according to the commandment. (Luke 23:55)

As I thought about these verses, I thought how natural it is for all of us to care how and where the bodies of our loved ones are laid. In their diligence and lack of fear of being associated with Jesus Christ, Joseph and the women of Galilee proved their love and devotion. Likewise your mother-in-law showed her love and devotion to a man she adored by paying for his funeral and cremation.

But in the Bible, Christ’s burial was far from the end of the story. In fact, it was a beginning.

Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulcher, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them. And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulcher. And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus. And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments; And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen. (Luke 24:1)

I have been taught the story of the resurrection of Jesus Christ since my infancy, and the significance of Jesus conquering death was not lost on me. I believe that through Jesus Christ all men and women will live again. Not only do our spirits live on after we pass from this world, but we will also regain our bodies as part of the resurrection that Jesus made possible. This belief has given me so much peace. I hope your mother-in-law also has this belief.

I am no expert on how to handle issues related to death. In fact, when my father-in-law died seven years ago, I proved to be an insufficient place of solace for my husband. I was seven months pregnant at the time, and I told my husband that it would be unwise for me to travel by plane or car to his father’s funeral, which was over 700 miles away. He accepted my decline, but in our hearts we knew I was trying to avoid a heightened and charged emotional experience with his family. I had the chance to mourn with those that mourn, to enlarge my soul in Christlike love, but instead I chose to stay away and stew in the misery and regret of an unwise choice. Looking back, I feel in that situation, I failed my husband, his family and myself miserably.

In the years since, I think I have improved as a person. I’m positive that if I could travel back in time and be the person I am now, I could have better aided my husband and his family in the grief process. Sometimes I wish I could do just that. From this experience, I now see death is an opportunity to exercise generosity of spirit toward the deceased and all associated. It is that experience that influences my response to you.

In your question, you indicated that your father-in-law’s daughter had no relationship to him, but still wants half of his ashes. I cannot give you a solution to what to do with your father-in-law’s ashes, but if you were my friend and we were talking face-to-face, I would encourage you to be more wise than I was, and make a choice that would leave no room for regrets.

Your father-in-law is not in the ashes. His spirit lives! As the angel said to the women of Galilee, “Why seek ye the living among the dead?” Your mother-in-law has 41 years of living memories. In my view, there may be room yet for her to show her love for her sweetheart, and God, by enlarging her soul to include a woman who has nothing left of her father but regrets that she didn’t seek him out while he was alive.

Please know that in saying that, I understand your mother-in-law’s desire to have the ashes close to her. We all want tangible, physical objects that remind us of our deceased loved ones.

I also understand that it may, at the core, feel grossly unfair to have the daughter lay claim to something this personal and significant when she was not involved in your father-in-law’s life. But here’s where I think about how the Savior’s grace works, and how He often invites us to give love and forgiveness even when it’s not necessarily deserved — not only for what it does for the person, but what it can do for us. I believe the healing power found in extending that kind of love is real.

In Mormon or LDS culture there is a beloved quote by Camilla Kimball, wife of former Church president Spencer W. Kimball, that says,

“Never suppress a generous thought.”

Just one last scripture:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27)

I hope you and your family obtain peace in this matter. There may yet be solutions that you have not considered in all of this. Pray for an answer and when you follow it, your peace will come.

And in all of this, know that I believe that your father-in-law lives on, and you and your mother-in-law can see him again one day. I hope you can find peace in that truth.

——-

**Please note: The answers in “Ask a Mormon Woman” and (other content on this site) reflect the thoughts and perspectives of the administrators at Mormon Women. Although we strive to have our content consistent with the Church’s doctrine and teachings, we do not speak officially for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For official information about or from the Church, please visit www.mormon.org or www.lds.org.

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The post Ask a Mormon Woman: Dealing with difficult decisions after the death of a loved one appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

As we reflect on the events of 9-11, and consider all the current difficulties facing people the world over, we wanted to address this question today — one we have heard often.

This question (or a variation of it, such as “If there is a God, why does He let bad things happen?”) is one that I think most of us struggle with at some level, at some point in our lives. It’s normal to want to have a life relatively free of pain; we are actually wired to want to avoid pain (think “fight-or-flight”). Much in our world (sometimes for good and sometimes for ill) is designed to help alleviate pain, or to at least distract us from it.

It’s hard sometimes not to envy others’ lives that seem to be easier, more “blessed.” Or on the flip side, to be so consumed by the inequalities of life so as to lose hope and feel buried in despair. Or to feel so helpless because we can only do so much to help alleviate the suffering in the world.

Sometimes, to those who believe (or who want to believe) in God, the struggle with pain and the desire for relief from suffering can equate to a trial of faith.

“If God is really there, why doesn’t He intervene?”

“Why haven’t my (their) prayers been answered?”

“How long do I (they) have to wait on the Lord?”

“Does God really care about me (them)?”

“Why does God let innocent people suffer and die?”

The list of questions that sometimes come could go on and on.

There has been much written on this subject, by people of many faiths and persuasions. For each person, finding peace in the midst of trial will probably be a little different.

Following are two clusters of truth that help me not only accept my own challenges, but also process the broader questions about the issue of human suffering. This is not meant to be an exhaustive summary of Mormon doctrine or of my personal perspective. I share only a few things that help me address this question. I welcome your thoughts as well (comments are moderated, so don’t worry if they don’t show up immediately).

1. Mortality was not meant to be easy. The opposition and pain is part of a loving plan — a plan designed to allow us to learn by experience now and to eventually enjoy great eternal blessings.

I recall a time when my oldest was quite young, maybe about four or five. He had watched me, his mother, struggle with chronic health issues (which I have had for several years). He asked a pointed and poignant question: “Mom, why do people sometimes get sick?”

Obviously, it was a loaded question. And obviously, I felt an urgent desire to give him a clear answer that might help his young mind to understand truth.

God did not fail me in that moment. I had a very distinct idea come to mind.

I grabbed a couple of hand weights, and started pumping them. I may have even had him try.

You know where I went with that, of course.

We still will often talk in our family about how we can look at our trials as spiritual weights. Think about the metaphor; we have to literally break down muscle tissue in order to have our muscles strengthened. Our spirits will be tested in similar ways through the pain and struggles of mortality. But like a caring, wise trainer, God will often give us opportunities to stretch, to push through pain, to keep going —  beyond where we think our limits might be sometimes — because He knows what benefits lie in spiritual resistance.

There are many scriptures that capture my thoughts on this. One is Romans 8:18: “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”

Faith to me includes holding onto the fact that even though the pain is real — and I believe God knows and empathizes with that — God knows and understands so much more than we do about the purpose of opposition now, and what awaits us after this life. Because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, there is redemption from death through the resurrection (which will come to us all), and the possibility for glory beyond our comprehension.

Another critical part of this plan of mortality includes what we call agency in Mormon doctrine — the opportunity God gives us to make choices based on knowledge that we have, to learn by experience, to have the opportunity to grow and gain wisdom through trial and error. That fact alone makes mortality very, very messy. We are all imperfect beings. We all make mistakes, and we make them often. Sometimes mistakes are serious, even sinful, and can cause great disruption, pain, and suffering for others — even for those who are innocent. As hard as it is to comprehend, even all this messiness has a place in God’s plan.

Here is my second cluster of thoughts, which build on what I have discussed above.

2. Pain can help us find out more about ourselves, gain compassion for others, and discover more about God and His plan — and about the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Regardless of whether one believes in God, adversity does give one an opportunity to dig deep for the wherewithal to rise to the challenge. Again, books have been written about the triumph of the human soul in the face of severe trial. We can discover that we are stronger than we think we are when we are put to tests of character, patience, endurance, forgiveness, courage and many other virtues. We can learn things that perhaps may not be easily learned any other way but through the “school of hard knocks.”

I discussed this question with a friend of mine today. Jenny shared this thought:

I think God already has a pretty good idea of who we are. But we don’t. Through our experiences in life we come to know ourselves better. When you read an incredible story about someone helping Jews during WWII or running into the World Trade Center to save someone on 9-11 do you ever wonder ‘Would I do that if I were there?’ Well, to me that is some of what life is about. To see what we will do when faced with hard situations.

One of our prophets, Spencer W. Kimball said something that I have leaned on more than once when considering this question:

If all the sick for whom we pray were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, … agency, would be ended. No man would have to live by faith.

If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no…agency. … There would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life….

The opposition and unpredictable (messy!) nature of how life unfolds is an essential part of God’s plan for us, for our eternal growth. It’s resistance training at its finest!

Adversity also can help us have compassion for others, and can enable us to serve and help and lift another. Empathy is a powerful tool in healing hearts and lives and relationships. Love can do much to alleviate the suffering of others, and can motivate us to want to help others in need. (Sometimes God won’t intervene because He gives us the chance to step in and serve!) Forgiveness in the face of suffering inflicted by another’s poor choices also expand our capacity for love and compassion.

I am especially compelled by the notion that, if we will let them, our trials can help us find God and His strength and grace, which surpasses anything that we can find or do on our own. A scripture comes to mind from 2 Corinthians. Interestingly, Paul had prayed to have a “thorn” removed from his life. Rather than having it removed, he got this answer from the Lord:

And he said unto me, My ^agrace is sufficient for thee…

And then Paul shares the insight that changed how he sees his affliction:

…for my ^bstrength is made perfect in ^cweakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may ^drest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in ^ainfirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in ^bpersecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am ^cweak, then am I ^dstrong.

While it’s definitely not easy to find pleasure in pain (and I think it takes experience to let that gift of perspective distill), I have  caught glimpses of that power of Christ, brought into my life through the influence of the Holy Ghost. I have seen and felt that power in the lives of others as well. Even when people don’t realize it, I believe their ability to find light in the darkness comes through Jesus Christ as a blessing from God.

That power in my life can bridge the gap between me and heaven. It helps me understand more about the Savior’s Atonement, and about the deep and abiding love of my Heavenly Father and His Son. As I trust in that power, my faith is enhanced.  Hope increases. I feel strength beyond my own. I am able to see trials more as stepping stones, not stumbling blocks.

When Jenny and I first started talking, she summed up her thoughts simply. She essentially said, “‘Bad’ is relative; it’s in the eye of the beholder.” She talked about recently hearing stories about those who suffered severe trials — life-threatening cancer, being involved on the front lines in World War II. There was a theme in these stories, which was, “I’m a better person because of what I suffered.”

I will say again that I don’t think that God is unaware of how hard “bad” things can be. And I believe He doesn’t fault us when we honestly struggle. I think honesty about our struggles can help us face them, find the good, and find God. Too much focus on the pain, however, can bring despair and hopelessness, which at their core are not of God. We don’t have to punish ourselves when we may feel those emotions, but I believe it helps to recognize that fundamentally, God is a God of hope. The message of the Atonement of the Savior, Jesus Christ, is a message of hope. The plan that includes the pain of mortality is a plan of hope. Because we are His children, God can help us find hope in the midst of suffering, and perspective in the midst of trial.

When we try to see some good in our bad times, or at least trust good is there somewhere (or will unfold sometime — now or eternally), glimmers of light can shine through even the darkest times. Any effort to try to choose that kind of light is a step forward. Sometimes that progress comes a little at a time, and sometimes in the moment, it can feel like one step forward and two steps back. But I can’t imagine that any effort at choosing to “find the silver lining” is wasted. The more we choose hope, the more I think we are empowered to choose it again, and the more we recognize and enjoy the perspective and peace amid trial that can come into our lives as we do.

Truly, as Jenny noted, anytime I read or watch a story about someone who has overcome great adversity, that theme of finding some good in the bad is always, always there. This isn’t just about a superficial optimism in my mind, but in digging deep to choose a measure of hope even when it seems nearly impossible to do, and even when things don’t work out as we want.

So, why do good things happen to bad people? I know I don’t come close to understanding it all, but I do know there is a God. He is real. He loves us. Pain is not evidence that He doesn’t care, but is part of an eternal plan for our growth, progress, learning, and development. I hold onto those realities as I face daily pain of chronic illness and other trials, and as I sometimes am weighed down by the pain others experience. In the end, I trust in the truth that Jesus Christ is our “high priest of good things to come” (Heb. 8:6; Heb. 9:11). Because of Him, I — you, we — can have hope.

For more perspective on this topic, see the video below (in English and in Spanish). This video, entitled “Finding Hope,” shares the story of a survivor of 9-11 and how, through his faith in Jesus Christ, he has found blessings in his life in spite of — and even because of — his involvement in that tragedy. (“Una Nueva Esperanza” — Un hombre describe el trayecto recorrido desde la tragedia del 11 de septiembre de 2001 hasta una nueva esperanza por medio de la fe en Jesucristo.)

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~ by Dianne Billstrom

As I watched the planes plow into the twin towers in New York City on September 11th, 2001, and viewed the news and the aftermath of that day, these images seemed to pour out of my heart. I observed their reactions to the terrible event, yet knew that in the end freedom would rise triumphant.

Some conspired, for glory, power, or hate,
A shallow reward,
Filled with nothing,
As the towers crumbled
And the dust exploded.

Some danced, reveling in victory and destruction,
No respecter of the
Fragility of life,
As the towers crumbled
And the dust billowed.

Some Samaritans bound up wounds,
Physical and spiritual,
Comforting the afflicted,
As the towers crumbled
And the dust dispersed.

Some prayed, fortifying the spirit
Of God’s children,
Calling for supreme intervention,
When the towers crumbled
And the dust stirred.

Some gathered buckets, clearing debris,
Tirelessly sifting the rubble for signs of life,
One pail at a time,
When the towers crumbled
And the dust settled.

Some raised a banner, red, white and blue,
Symbol of freedom,
Proudly erected,
On the crumbled towers
And the solidified dust.

Some united with hope for peace,
Courageous, despite fear,
Prepared for ultimate sacrifice,
After the towers crumbled
Leaving nothing but dust.

From despair and grief rose unity of spirit,
A kinship of free men,
Resolved with conviction to succeed,
Building towers of strength
Out of the dust.

———

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-by Chantal, joined today by Rochelle

Chantal continues her story from Part 1:

My kids were all in school, my babies were gone, my house was cleaned and cleaned and I simply did not know what to do with my time or how to distract myself from numbing loss. But with Cindy’s loving encouragement, and through the healing whisperings of the Lord’s Spirit, I felt some of the anger and murmuring start to lift from my heart.

I decided to become a volunteer for Cindy’s nonprofit in Mozambique; I would help other mothers keep their babies alive. I thought, If such a small thing as this birthing kit can save just one mother the grief that I have experienced of losing a little baby, then I will do it. I learned that, in Africa, I didn’t have to be a doctor to save lives.

I threw the full energy of my being into learning about a whole new world: Africa, nonprofits, HIV/AIDS, orphans, grant writing, board governance, fund-raising, program management and evaluation. It was all such a journey — a new language, a new experience, steep learning and precious associations with some marvelous individuals. In this service I found more truth about how to conquer grief through the merits, mercy, and grace of God. The Lord gently persuaded me that I needed to serve more with my full heart.

As I traveled and served, I recognized the grief in the eyes of women, children, and, most poignantly, in the babies of Africa whom I met. I found tremendous joy and satisfaction in the simple ways we could help. For example, I was thrilled when Ana Micas, a wonderful Mozambican nurse, taught mothers to add three tablespoons of chlorine in their drinking water, thereby reducing diarrhea by 90% – this being the number one cause of death in children under five years old. As I watched women and children survive and gain health, I felt the Lord slowly filling my soul with more life.

Watching these African women learn and grow, I was prompted to continue my own learning and found myself pursuing a Master’s degree in Nonprofit Studies (MNpS) at Arizona State University. During this time my journey became intertwined with another treasured friend, Rochelle.

Rochelle has her own story of the pain of loss and the challenge of overcoming grief:

“I became an orphan at age 11, when my parents died in a tragic car accident. When my brother came bearing the horrible news, the first thing I said was, ‘I am an orphan. Who is going to take care of me?’ My brother broke down and cried.

“Being the youngest of six children, I went to live with my sister, the oldest sibling. Imagine being only 27 years old and inheriting a pre-teen overnight!

“Within two weeks of the loss of our parents, my sister had a discussion with me that would forever change my life. We sat on the couch facing each other, and these were the very poignant words she spoke: ‘Now Rochelle, this terrible thing has happened to us and we can respond in one of two ways: one, we can be bitter and angry, blaming God that such a tragedy has come upon us, or two, we can understand that terrible things sometimes happen and we can put our trust in God, pull together as a family, and make the best of our lives to make our parents proud. I have made my choice and I want you to make yours right here, right now.’

“She can never know the full impact this profound moment made on a grieving, impressionable 11-year-old. Of course, I made the choice to follow her lead and try to make the most of a heartbreaking tragedy. As she cared for me through those years, she encouraged me to avoid self-pity, and to be productive and positive.

“When the opportunity came to work with Chantal in Mozambique, I couldn’t pass up the chance. The program appealed to me not only because it helps orphans and vulnerable children, but because it helps children become self-reliant with whatever family unit they have left. Millions of orphans live in Africa, but so very few are adopted, and living in orphanages is not ideal. I knew from personal experience that living with whatever family unit is left — grandparents, siblings, others — would make such a difference in their lives.

“This opportunity to serve took me back to the questions I had when I became orphaned: How will I eat? Who will pay the bills? How will I live? Even though I hate the word ‘orphan,” I know what being an orphan is like. My sister had helped me, and I have loved having the chance to help these children help themselves.

“Never would I have imagined what was around the corner. My husband and I were living in Japan, and he was serving as the leader [bishop] of our ward congregation. We met an amazing couple from Ethiopia who had actually met, fell in love, married, and joined the Church in Japan. We became dear friends with Woudneh and Betelhem.

“They returned to Ethiopia, and we kept in contact. My son decided for his Boy Scout Eagle Project to help school children in Betelhem’s village. I traveled to Ethiopia with my son to help him complete his project, where we stayed with Betelhem and got to know her family. I told Woudneh I wanted to meet his family, to see where he had grown up.

“Woudneh took us to his village, Dera. Woudneh is just like his wife; he is so compelled to help his people. Knowing that I was involved in a non-profit organization that helped people in Africa, he asked me to help his village, too.”

Chantal shares what happened as a result:

Two years after Rochelle first visited Dera, she convinced me to visit Ethiopia and explore the possibilities of helping the orphans in Dera.

What I saw in Dera was staggering, even with all I had already experienced in Africa. The women, white from 16 months of rainless dust, gathered around us to plead for help. Amazaguy, a village mother, told us how she awakes at 4 am and carries her five-gallon yellow water can as she walks for miles searching for water. When no water is found, she places her can in line at a water point, where she waits up to 15 days for government water trucks to arrive.

No water means no food, no sanitation, and numerous health problems. There is no water to wash newborn babies or to embalm the dead. Children — 200 of them in one location — dropped out of school in order to look for water to help their families. But families are falling apart under the stress of simply trying to survive.

As my heart broke for these people, I turned to Rochelle on that trip and said, “I think we are doing a water project.”

Rochelle says:

“When Chantal and I first started this project, we said to each other, ‘We don’t know anything about water systems. We don’t know how to do this.’ But people said to us, “We prayed you here.” We knew we needed to help, somehow.

“This project has been nothing short of miraculous. I am amazed how the Lord has brought us all together – our paths crossed on three different continents! We work and have faith and pray and keep working, and we feel God keeps leading us along.

“My involvement in Africa has been very humbling, but also very comforting. It has strengthened my conviction that God has a plan for us, even as life does not always unfold as planned. God loves all His children, no matter where they are. He hears prayers. Sometimes He answers prayers through other people. I am amazed and grateful that He could provide some hope to the people of Dera, beginning with two moms from Gilbert, Arizona.”

Chantal concludes:

Once we met these wonderful people, looked into their eyes, and felt the strength of their spirit, it was impossible to return home unchanged. They needed us — and we needed them. Standing in the dry Ethiopian dust, the Lord added a dimension of perspective to the grief I carried for so many years.

A man filled with the love of God is not content to bless his family alone, but ranges through the whole world anxious to bless the whole human race; to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, dry up the tear of the orphan, whether in this Church, in any other Church, or in no Church at all – wherever he may find them.

– Joseph Smith

Rochelle lost her parents. I lost my daughters. We relied on the Lord and our families to survive. In the course of learning to really give of ourselves, the sweet balm of Gilead, given only by the touch of the Savior, has healed our broken hearts. The bitterness of grief has turned sweet in the joy of helping people find hope for a better life.

Editor’s note: Chantal and Rochelle founded Hope Arising, a non-profit organization focused on empowering families and communities to support and care for children orphaned or made vulnerable by disease, war, natural disaster and extreme poverty. Their goal is to help each child within their reach be healthy, gain education, and achieve economic self-reliance — for a future of hope.

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