“Sometimes [God] refines us in ways we might not have wanted because He intends to use us in ways we might not have thought.” Emily Belle Freeman, quoting her sister, in a talk entitled “Finding God’s Fingerprints”

I listened to this talk today, and was moved by many thoughts Emily Belle Freeman shared. Among others, she talks about how the hard times we go through may be helping us prepare for ways God needs us to help others.

She recounts the story of a “wise woman” in 2 Samuel 20 who lived in the time of King David’s reign. The kingdom was under threat, and a general in David’s army had a plan to surround the city where the primary enemy, Sheba, was.

But his plan was to destroy the whole city to overcome this one man.

The “wise woman” “cried out of the city and said,

Hear, hear; say, I pray you, unto Joab, Come near hither, that I may speak with thee.

And when he was come near unto her, the woman said…I am one of them that are peaceable and faithful in Israel: thou seekest to destroy a city and a mother in Israel: why wilt thou swallow up the inheritance of the Lord?

Her negotiations and subsequent actions “in her wisdom” (engaging her people in helping with the problem [cutting of the man’s head…not exactly your 21st-century solution, but one matching the time] saved everyone in her city from destruction.

Emily calls this woman a “difference maker.” We don’t know this wise woman’s backstory, but we can have confidence by what little we see in the text that she is a devoted woman of God. What life experiences might have influenced her to exert such courage and clarity at such a time as this?

I’m struck that the key difference that she made was through a brave but simple one-on-one conversation, and then collaborative work with other God-fearing people, leading “in her wisdom.”

I recently had a conversation with a friend about the power of women. She stirred feelings in me that prompted me to start this website in the first place. As did Emily.

When we know who we are — or Whose we are — we can be stronger instruments in His hands to do good in the world.

Here are a few quotes that capture what it might mean to be a “difference maker” as a woman of God.

I believe the change we seek in ourselves and in the groups we belong to will come less by activism and more by actively trying every day to understand one another. Why? Because we are building Zion—a people “of one heart and one mind.”⁹ As…women [of God], we have broad influence. That influence is applied in everyday moments when we are studying with a friend, putting children to bed, talking to a seatmate on the bus, preparing a presentation with a colleague. We have power to remove prejudice and build unity. –Sharon Eubank

“We are women of faith, virtue, vision, and charity who rejoice in motherhood and in womanhood and in the family. We are not panicked about perfection, but we are working to become more pure. And we know that in the strength of the Lord we can do all righteous things because we have immersed ourselves in His gospel (see Alma 26:12).” –“We are Women of God” – Sheri S. Dew.

“To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman’s strength and influence today can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times” (Teachings: Spencer W. Kimball, 217).

“If we don’t do our part, no one else is going to do it for us. … We can’t delegate [our part in Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness]. We can’t pass it off to anyone. It’s ours. We can refuse it, we can deny it, but it’s still our part, and we’re accountable for it. There will come a day when we will all remember what we knew before we were born. We will remember that we fought in a great conflict for this privilege. How do we meet this responsibility? We daily put our energies into the work that is uniquely ours to do” (Julie B. Beck, “Understand the Divine Roles of Women,” Ensign, Feb. 2009, 67).

And if we can seek to remember now what we knew before we came to this earth — and we can remember, or at least catch glimpses, through the help of the Spirit of God — then we will be led as to how we can be difference makers — to help bring Christ’s love and healing power and to the lives of others.

Or at least bring that invitation to “Come and see.”

The post The Difference Makers appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Preface:
I approach this topic with some trepidation because I know it’s a tender one for many. I want to say upfront that my intent is not to disregard such people. On the flip side, I believe that the doctrines discussed below can actually help us all understand better why things in the Church may appear to be unequal to some but really aren’t. There is divine purpose in the organization of the Church, in the gender roles as they are defined in the Proclamation and elsewhere, and in the differences that exist between men and women.

I want to also say that I realize that there is no exact cookie cutter that can represent “male” and “female” traits universally and unequivocally. In some ways, I have felt all my life that I don’t fit some “classic” female traits or roles (I was a tomboy as a youth; I have never been one to feel feminine in demeanor or style; homemaking or mothering skills in many senses don’t come naturally to me.) But I’m striving.

I believe the teachings below with all of my heart. Even as a person who sometimes feels like a bit of an exception to the rule naturally, I believe that I am here to develop certain traits, to focus on certain roles and responsibilities, and to be a partner to my husband in our family and a sister in the gospel working alongside other women in partnership with the men. The truths taught below give perspective on why this is our charge, and how following God’s plan and the order of His kingdom makes it possible for us to grow and develop in ways that can lead us to our heavenly home and goals.

I realize also that I am fortunate in that many of my family and church experiences have been positive with regard to a sense of equal partnership. Have they been perfect experiences? No. I believe this is all a process for all of us, and as such, sometimes people will let us down, will abuse position or power, or will act unilaterally instead of in a spirit of partnership. This has happened on occasion in my life, and it’s very, very difficult to deal with. This does not mean, however, that the organization or system that God has designed for families and the Church is wrong; it means that individuals still need to catch the vision of the true doctrine that can change their behavior (a la Pres. Packer’s oft-repeated quote). In my opinion, changing the system fundamentally (e.g., giving women priesthood, or eliminating different family roles and responsibilities, or whatever else people have discussed as options) won’t fix those problems. Only individuals embracing and living the doctrine as it should be can improve those situations where abuses happen.

If you are one in such a situation, my heart goes out to you. Cling to the promises that God has made that if *you* are faithful, no blessing will be withheld in the eternal scheme of things. That is no small promise. No matter what, know that even the trials you face in this imperfect world, with imperfect people trying to live the gospel, can be turned to your good. But my plea is not to reject the gospel because of the imperfections of people. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Know also that our leaders are aware of the fact that sometimes abuses happen. And still, they encourage us to cling to the truths of the gospel, not to try to change the way things are to prevent pain from people’s imperfections. Consider this from Elder Ballard:

In these latter days, we see people, increasing in number, who urge others to feel and voice dissent when frustration and hardship enter their lives. They would have us believe that the Church or its leaders are unfair to women, or that women are denied opportunities to realize their full potential within the gospel framework. Sisters, we know that the Church is made up of mortals, that priesthood leaders are fallible, and some may not always handle their stewardships with suitable sensitivity. However, I want you to understand this plain truth: the gospel of Jesus Christ provides the only way for women or men to achieve their full potential as children of God. Only the gospel can free us from the terrible effects of sin. Only by following God’s plan for us, with faith and determination to live ultimately in eternal families, can we qualify for eternal life in His presence.

The purpose of this post, then, is to explore more about “God’s plan for us” and how the concept of equality fits into that plan, in the eternal scheme of things. As a warning, this post is long. It is also direct (hence part of the reason I wanted to write this preface); I believe it’s important to explore the doctrines openly. I want us to know the teachings of the Proclamation and our leaders, not simply discuss opinion on this topic. I have tended to not write as much with lots of quotes, but at some point, I believe that unless we appeal to the authority of our prophets and apostles who are the only people authorized to speak for God, we are basically putting ourselves back into a sort of pre-Restoration mode of lots of opinion but little absolute truth. We can’t simply discuss our opinions and perspectives and experiences; we need to have revealed, authorized truth upon which to rely. I believe that in the end, it is only by embracing and understanding these eternal truths that we as men and women can work together in unity and equality and “fill the measure of [our] creation.”

In a Church press release (it’s now been a couple of years ago), it was stated that “certain words in the Mormon vocabulary have slightly different meanings and connotations than those same words have in other religions.” I think this is also true about some words that have different meanings and connotations than in other contexts, such as the social sciences and even the culture at large.

Take the word “equality,” for example. When we talk about equality, particularly of the sexes, all sorts of thoughts and emotions and definitions and biases and even baggage are already present before a discussion even begins. For my purposes here, I begin with a couple of quotes to help us keep the right perspective in our discussion. Elder M. Russell Ballard said:

Free and open doctrinal discussion is important in gospel scholarship, but remember that most things have been put into place by God and simply are not subject to change. The doctrines and principles of the Church are established only through revelation, not legislation. This is God’s plan; we do not have the prerogative to alter or tamper with it.

Our task is to integrate the principles of the gospel into our lives so that our lives will be in balance. When our lives are in balance, before you realize it your life will be full of spiritual understanding that will confirm that your Heavenly Father loves you and that His plan is fair and true and we should strive to understand it and enjoy living it.

Neal A. Maxwell (then assistant to the Council of the Twelve) shared some thoughts that can also be relevant as we discuss this sometimes tender topic:

[There is a danger and approach that] seizes upon a single, true principle and elevates it above its peer principles. This act of isolation does not make the principle seized any less true, but it strips that principle of its supporting principles. One can be incarcerated within the prison of one principle.

For instance, “peacemakers” are precious commodities, but peace-making must be tied to other principles or it can easily become peace-making at any price. Candor is an important attribute, but it must not be separated from genuine concern for those who will feel the consequences of candor. Paul’s counsel is to be sure that we are “speaking the truth in love.” (Eph. 4:15.) Love and truth need each other.

Charles Frankel observed of those who would … subordinate everything else to “equality.”:

“The fallacies of … egalitarianism come largely from having ripped the notion of equality loose from its context. The result is to turn it into a principle vagrant and homeless, and identifiable in fact only if a quasi-theological context is unconsciously imported.” (“The New Egalitarianism and the Old, Commentary, Sept. 1973, p. 61.)

Elevating any correct principle to the plane of religion is poor policy. Just as one person makes a poor church, one principle makes a poor religion!

The doctrines of Christ need each other, just as the disciples of Christ need each other. It is the orthodox orchestration in applying the gospel of Jesus Christ that keeps us happy and helps us to avoid falling off the straight and narrow path, for on the one side there is harsh legalism and on the other syrupy sensualism. Little wonder that man needs careful and precise help, the guidance of the Spirit, in order to navigate under such stressful circumstances.

Little wonder we so need those eternal perspectives which come from looking at life through the lens of the gospel!

The purpose of this post is to consider the principle of equality through the lens of the gospel. While I understand that I certainly don’t have a corner on truth, I have seen clear patterns in what we are taught, and these teachings cross generations and also come from both male and female leaders.

I like to call this concept Eternal Equality. I want to explore this concept by considering doctrines and principles in the Proclamation (and as expounded upon by our leaders) that support and clarify this important, eternal principle. I believe such a perspective can help us understand greater truths than worldly perspectives and philosophies (such as feminism) alone can give, and can even sometimes help us recognize incorrect teachings in such perspectives.

Of course, I cannot speak for the Church, and thus am sharing my own conclusions about this, but I do believe there is much support in the consistency and clarity with which we are taught, and power in considering the teachings and the threads throughout our leaders words (that includes women as well).

The post contains the following three sections:

• Eternal Equality Defined
• Gender Roles and Differences are Essential
• Equal Partnerships are a Key Part of the Plan

Eternal Equality Defined

First of all, to coin a phrase from Stephen Covey, I’ll begin with the end in mind. What does equality mean to God? I believe equality in the gospel involves much more than just this earthly life and what we do and are. The Proclamation states:

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life.

Men and women are equal before God first and foremost because we all have an equal “divine destiny” that can allow us to return to the presence of God and to enjoy all that the Father has to give, which includes eternal life and exaltation. God is “no respecter of persons” and thus all have the opportunity to enjoy the blessings of eternity. The key is to understand, embrace and follow the plan of God.

Elder Maxwell once said:

In the world to come, to these, the most faithful, our generous Father will give “all that [He] hath” (D&C 84:38). Brothers and sisters, there isn’t any more! (Emphasis added.)

In a very real sense, I feel I could simply end there. If we are ever prone to think that life or the Church or whatever else “isn’t fair” we might well remember what Elder Maxwell said. If God has promised all He has if we are faithful, what more can we want?

Still, continuing to explore this concept…. There are various talks that discuss this idea that we as men and women are equal before God because we all can receive the ordinances and experiences that are necessary to enjoy all the blessings of eternity. One talk that has remained fixed in my mind was from Sister Julie B. Beck, [formerly] the General Relief Society president. In a General Conference talk, she reminded us that:

The blessings of the priesthood, which are available to men and women alike, are woven in and through and around their lives. Each of them is blessed by sacred ordinances, and each of them can enjoy the blessings of spiritual gifts by virtue of the priesthood.

All faithful members of the Lord’s Church are equally blessed by priesthood ordinances.

I am grateful that through the infinite fairness and love of God, all men and women were given equal partnership, gifts, blessings, and potential through priesthood ordinances and spiritual gifts. Because of the priesthood, which is woven in and around and through our lives, every power, every covenant we need to do our life’s work and walk back to our heavenly home has been poured out upon our heads.

While there are many other quotes I could include, I will add only two for the sake of time and space, one from Elder Ballard and one from President Packer:

I pray for the Spirit of the Lord this evening as I teach a fundamental principle of the gospel that, if understood, will fortify and bless you sisters in your quest for eternal life.

Our Father in Heaven loves all of His children equally, perfectly, and infinitely. His love is no different for His daughters than for His sons. Our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, also loves men and women equally. His atonement and His gospel are for all of God’s children. During His earthly ministry Jesus served men and women alike: He healed both men and women and He taught both men and women.

The gospel of Jesus Christ can sanctify both men and women in the same way and by identical principles. For example, faith, repentance, baptism, and the gift of the Holy Ghost are requirements for all of God’s children, regardless of gender. The same is true of temple covenants and blessings. Our Father’s work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of His children (see Moses 1:39). He loves us all equally, and His greatest gift, the gift of eternal life, is available to all.

The creation of the world, the atonement of Jesus Christ, and the restoration of the gospel in the latter days through the Prophet Joseph Smith all have one unifying purpose: to allow all of the spirit children of our Eternal Father to obtain mortal bodies, and then, through the gift of moral agency, to follow the plan of redemption made possible by the Savior’s atonement. God prepared all of this for us that we might return to our heavenly home, clothed in immortality and eternal life, to live with Him as families.

[T]he promise of exaltation remains an attainable goal for each one of us. The prophets have stated clearly that no blessing will be withheld from any of God’s sons and daughters if they love Him, have faith in Him, keep His commandments, and endure faithfully to the end.

Most of what men and women must do to qualify for an exalted family life together is based on shared responsibilities and objectives. Many of the requirements are exactly the same for men and women. For example, obedience to the laws of God should be the same for men and women. Men and women should pray in the same way. They both have the same privilege of receiving answers to their prayers and thereby obtaining personal revelation for their own spiritual development¦. In these confusing times, keeping our feet on the gospel path can be difficult. We hear many persuasive voices urging us to turn our backs on revealed truth and embrace the philosophies of the world. [We need to] keep our eternal perspective clear and unimpaired. (M. Russell Ballard, “Equality through Diversity,” Ensign, Nov 1993, 89)

And from Pres. Packer:

The whole physical universe is organized in order that man and woman might fulfill the full measure of their creation. It is a perfect system where delicate balances and counter-balances govern the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual in mankind.

The separate natures of man and woman were designed by the Father of us all to fulfill the purposes of the gospel plan.

Men and women have complementary, not competing, responsibilities. There is difference but not inequity.

And blessings bestowed impartially upon man and woman alike include:

-Baptism
-The gift of the Holy Ghost
-The testimony of Jesus
-Personal revelation
-The ministry of angels
-The responsibility to teach, to testify, to exhort, to edify and to comfort
-The faith to be healed
And many other spiritual gifts.

All under a uniform standard for worthiness.

And the highest ordinances in the House of the Lord they receive together and equally or not at all!

Note President Packer’s point that our separate natures are part of God’s plan, which leads into the next point I want to discuss.

Gender Roles and Differences are Essential

We are taught clearly and repeatedly that gender and our different gender traits, roles, and responsibilities are essential to God’s plan and to our potential for eternal equality.

The Proclamation states:

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose….By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.

Following are numerous quotes that in my mind help shed more light on these important concepts. Note that some of these quotes discuss not only our family roles, but our church roles and responsibilities as well. (All bolded emphasis is mine.)

Elder Scott said:

Our Heavenly Father endowed His sons and daughters with unique traits especially fitted for their individual responsibilities as they fulfill His plan. To follow His plan requires that you do those things He expects of you as a son or daughter, husband or wife. Those roles are different but entirely compatible. In the Lord’s plan, it takes two –a man and a woman–to form a whole. Indeed, a husband and wife are not two identical halves, but a wondrous, divinely determined combination of complementary capacities and characteristics.

Marriage allows these different characteristics to come together in oneness ”in unity” to bless a husband and wife, their children and grandchildren. For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed. Their efforts interlock and are complementary. Each has individual traits that best fit the role the Lord has defined for happiness as a man or woman. When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one–to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally. That is the plan.

Elder Ballard said:

Even though men and women are equal before God in their eternal opportunities, they have different, but equally significant, duties in His eternal plan. We must understand that God views all of His children with infinite wisdom and perfect fairness. Consequently, He can acknowledge and even encourage our differences while providing equal opportunity for growth and development.

Our Heavenly Father assigned different responsibilities in mortality to men and women when we lived with Him as His spirit sons and daughters.

Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different. For example, God has revealed through his prophets that men are to receive the priesthood, become fathers, and with gentleness and pure, unfeigned love they are to lead and nurture their families in righteousness as the Savior leads the Church (see Eph. 5:23). They have been given the primary responsibility for the temporal and physical needs of the family (see D&C 83:2). Women have the power to bring children into the world and have been given the primary duty and opportunity as mothers to lead, nurture, and teach them in a loving, spiritual environment. In this divine partnership, husbands and wives support one another in their God-given capacities. By appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service, and progress. He did not give different tasks to men and women simply to perpetuate the idea of a family; rather, He did so to ensure that the family can continue forever, the ultimate goal of our Heavenly Father’s eternal plan. (Emphasis added.)

Elder Bednar said:

By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fulness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other. “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Cor. 11:11; italics added).

President Kimball said:

Our roles and assignments differ. These are eternal differences–with women being given many tremendous responsibilities of motherhood and sisterhood and men being given the tremendous responsibilities of fatherhood and the priesthood–but the man is not without the woman nor the woman without the man in the Lord.
Remember, in the world before we came here, faithful women were given certain assignments while faithful men were foreordained to certain priesthood tasks. While we do not now remember the particulars, this does not alter the glorious reality of what we once agreed to. You are accountable for those things which long ago were expected of you just as are those we sustain as prophets and apostles! (Ensign, Nov. 1979, p. 102.)

President Kimball’s quote brings out an important point. Men and women aren’t just given different responsibilities at home, but also in other roles as sisters and brothers in the gospel.

Sheri Dew also included this idea in her powerful teachings on this subject:

Two are usually better than one, as our Father confirmed when He declared that “it was not good that the man should be alone” and made a help meet for Adam — someone with distinct gifts who would give him balance, help him shoulder the burdens of mortality, and enable him to do things he couldn’t do alone. For “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” [This scripture is so important; note how many times it has been repeated!]

Satan understands the power of men and women united in righteousness. He would have us believe men and women are so alike that our unique gifts are not necessary, or so different we can never hope to understand each other. Neither is true.

Our Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created us. He made us enough alike to love each other, but enough different that we would need to unite our strengths and stewardships to create a whole. Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other. Thus, no marriage or family, no ward or stake is likely to reach its full potential until husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, men and women work together in unity of purpose, respecting and relying upon each other’s strengths.

These truths about the divinely appointed stewardships of men and women are largely lost on the world today. You will not find them on a TV sitcom or even, sadly, in some homes and wards. But they are not lost to the Lord, who has given us “a pattern in all things, that [we] may not be deceived.”

Said President Harold B. Lee: “Pure womanhood plus priesthood means exaltation. But womanhood without priesthood, or priesthood without pure womanhood doesn’t spell exaltation.“

I believe it is essential for us to realize that it would go against the plan to have men and women be equal in the sense of a worldly definition of this concept — to have completely equal responsibilities and roles. The Lord doesn’t want us to be only independent, self-sustaining individuals. His plan takes us a step further. He wants us as men and women (in families and in the Church) to have roles and responsibilities that complement and are interdependent. I’m not sure that word even captures the fullness of what partnership really means in God’s plan, but I do agree with then-Elder Russell T. Osguthorpe who noted in a powerful Women’s Conference talk (given in partnership with his wife) that equal partnership is something not understood by the world, because it is a gospel principle. We can’t reach our eternal destiny and eternal equality without such interdependence and without the differences that exist. And we can’t understand what partnership means without the Spirit unfolding the truths of this principle to our view. No feminist theory or analysis can fully do that.

Equal Partnerships are a Key Part of the Plan

The Proclamation reminds us that husbands and wives are obligated to work as “equal partners.” This principle also applies to men and women working in the Church, as has been mentioned numerous times above and will also be discussed below.

Following are only a few quotes on this subject. As with all the other topics, I could include many more.

President Hinckley taught that we are to “walk side by side with respect, appreciation and love for one another. There can be nothing of inferiority or superiority between the husband and wife in the plan of the Lord.”

He also has said that

Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood.

President Howard W. Hunter taught that:

A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto…. The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal) – that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership.

Elder Oaks said:

The family proclamation gives this beautiful explanation of the relationship between a husband and a wife: While they have separate responsibilities, “in these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

President Spencer W. Kimball said this: “When we speak of marriage as a partnership, let us speak of marriage as a full partnership. We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners in that eternal assignment! Please be a contributing and full partner” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 315).

President Kimball also declared, “We have heard of men who have said to their wives, ‘I hold the priesthood and you’ve got to do what I say.” He decisively rejected that abuse of priesthood authority in a marriage, declaring that such a man ‘should not be honored in his priesthood’ (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 316).

There are cultures or traditions in some parts of the world that allow men to oppress women, but those abuses must not be carried into the families of the Church of Jesus Christ. Remember how Jesus taught: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, but I say unto you …(Matt. 5:27-28). For example, the Savior contradicted the prevailing culture in His considerate treatment of women. Our guide must be the gospel culture He taught.

If men desire the Lord’s blessings in their family leadership, they must exercise their priesthood authority according to the Lord’s principles for its use:

“No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge” (D&C 121:41-42).

When priesthood authority is exercised in that way in the patriarchal family, we achieve the “full partnership” President Kimball taught. [I believe it’s that kind of leadership that makes equal partnership possible in the Church as well.] As declared in the family proclamation:

“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, [and] compassion” (Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

I had already bracketed a comment about how I think these principles extend to the Church as well, and Elder Oaks seems to agree.

Church callings are performed according to the principles that govern all of us in working under priesthood authority in the Church. These principles include the persuasion and gentleness taught in the 121st section, which are especially necessary in the hierarchal organization of the Church.

The principles I have identified for the exercise of priesthood authority are more understandable and more comfortable for a married woman than for a single woman, especially a single woman who has never been married. She does not now experience priesthood authority in the partnership relationship of marriage. Her experiences with priesthood authority are in the hierarchical relationships of the Church, and some single women feel they have no voice in those relationships. It is, therefore, imperative to have an effective ward council, where male and female ward officers sit down together regularly to counsel under the presiding authority of the bishop.

I included this long passage from Elder Oaks because he addresses abuses that should not exist; challenges that single women might face in feeling partnership in the gospel plan; and similarly the importance of partnership in the Church as well as the family.

Sister Dew talked about this as well:

The Lord’s pattern for couples and in large measure men and women serving together in His kingdom was established by our first parents. [Elder Scott also invited the study of Adam and Eve’s lives and roles.] Together Adam and Eve labored, mourned, were obedient, had children, taught their posterity the gospel, called upon the name of the Lord, “heard the voice of the Lord,” blessed the name of God, and dedicated themselves to God. Repeatedly the scriptures about Adam and Eve refer to the pronoun they.

Elder Ballard has also repeatedly discussed the importance of men and women working together not only in their families, but in the Church. For example, he said:

Brethren, please be sure you are seeking the vital input of the sisters in your council meetings. Encourage all council members to share their suggestions and ideas about how the stake or ward can be more effective in proclaiming the gospel, perfecting the Saints, and redeeming the dead….

In these perilous times, we need the cooperative effort of men and women officers in the Church because absolute vigilance is required on the part of all who have been entrusted to help watch over the kingdom. We each have large individual responsibilities, but just as important is the responsibility we share with others to come together in council in a united effort to solve problems and bless all of our Church members. When we act in a united effort, we create spiritual synergism which is increased effectiveness or achievement as a result of combined action or cooperation, the result of which is greater than the sum of the individual parts.

I think Elder Ballard’s point there is a key to understanding the Lord’s concept of equality. Only as we work together as men and women with the different traits, roles and responsibilities we have can we create the kind of “synergism” that can help the Lord’s work move forward as it needs to. Such unified and combined effort also gives us the personal experiences we need for our individual spiritual growth that can make reaching our eternal potential possible.

Obviously, I could end up compiling a book of quotes about this concept of eternal equality and the various truths that combine to make the Lord’s view both different and deeper than any perspective the world can give us. Eternal equality requires differences — including gender roles and responsibilities in the family and in the Church — because God knows what we need to return back to live with Him and to enjoy exaltation. These differences are necessary both for our individual growth and for the unity required in families and in the Church. I ache for people to be able to see beyond what seems to be unfair at the outset (“Why are men the ones who hold the priesthood? Why does the structure of the Church leave men as presiding over auxiliaries? Why are we taught that men are to preside — why don’t we use a different word if equality is the goal?” etc.) we can all seek to embrace these doctrines and let them distill on our hearts and change our lives — for our leaders teach us that the more we follow God’s plan, the more happiness we can have, now and eternally. I trust in God’s promises that He will bless all of us — His sons and His daughters — with all that He has if we are faithful and unified in His way. What more could we ask for?

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10 Ways to Deal with Your Spouse’s Addiction

1. Acknowledge the problem.

You might think it will make you feel better if you just don’t think about it, pretend it’s not so serious, or if you wish you hadn’t married him. It won’t. For whatever reason, this is a trial you have to face. You can’t even begin to face your emotions until you acknowledge what’s going on.

Your husband has a serious problem, and it hurts. You don’t like it, but that’s the truth. His problem causes you pain. And because of his addiction, you’ve grieving. You fee like you’ve lost the man of your dreams, whether you knew about his addiction before you were married or not. You’re scared because you don’t know what it will mean for you and your family in the future. It’s okay to cry.

2. Get educated.

You need to understand pornography addiction. [Find a list of FAQs and answers to many commonly asked questions about pornography addiction.] You’re fighting against a fierce enemy, so arm yourself with knowledge. You can’t fight an enemy you don’t understand. But if you know what actually works, you won’t waste energy using ineffective techniques. Learn about how addiction changes the brain, how it starts [personal stories vary], the effect it has on families, how pervasive pornography and sex addiction are, and more. If you’re operating with some misunderstandings (and there are plenty of myths about pornography addiction), it won’t help. But if you understand what’s going on, your expectations will be more realistic. You can even educate others about the problem.

3. Encourage him to get help.

You and he cannot fight this one alone. Pornography is one of the most difficult addictions to overcome, and you wouldn’t expect a drug addict to get better by himself. Heavenly Father has put some smart people and some great resources on this planet, so take advantage. The bishop can help, but he’s not specifically trained in addiction recovery, so ask him to refer you to someone who is. If you need help to pay for treatment, don’t be afraid to ask.  [Editor’s note: See footnotes for a list of possible recovery program  options, for both the one who is addicted and the loved one/spouse. A qualified sex addiction therapist is also often recommended by both addicts and spouses who have experienced recovery.]

Remember, though, that he has to do the recovery himself. In other words, you can’t make him go to a therapist. If he hasn’t admitted that he has a problem and that he needs help, he may need to hit some kind of crisis before he does. But if he gets to that point, his treatment will be that much more effective since he’s the one who sought it. And if he won’t go with you, you can always go by yourself. The tools you will receive will help you deal with his addiction and move forward. Your needs are important, too!

4. Stop blaming yourself.

Repeat after me: It is not my fault. Repeat. Now ten times. Repeat.

You cannot make it better by having sex more, being more patient, reading your scriptures more, losing ten pounds, being prettier, keeping the house cleaner, getting plastic surgery, or anything else. His addiction has nothing to do with you. For many men, his addiction began long before he even met you. He may not have learned healthy ways to deal with his emotions. It is not your fault. You cannot fix him.

For many, it takes a long time to separate their actions from their husbands’ actions. It’s scary to feel powerless, so sometimes we try to take control. “If I just was a better wife, he wouldn’t need to watch those movies.” We like to think we can do something to make it better. But the truth is, he’d still be addicted, even if you were a perfect wife. It may sound scary to admit you can’t change him, but it’s actually liberating. You can choose how you will react and to make decisions for your life. You don’t have to let his problem rule your life. That’s real power.

5. Stop treating his addiction like your problem.

This is closely related to #4. Of course, you are a nice wife, and you want to help him. You feel powerless and frustrated and angry. You want to change him.

You can’t.

He needs to take responsibility for his own addiction. You don’t have to monitor him, check his email, check his phone, or check his history. You don’t have to become an internet security policewoman. If he asks you to password-protect his computer, then great. He’s come up with a step that will help him on his own, so why not support him in that? But you are not his babysitter, so let go. He’s not a child. He’s got to stand accountable before God for his sins. You won’t.

6. Stop the secrecy and shame

Pornography goes through a cycle. People who study it call it the “shame cycle.” Addicts know what they’re doing is wrong. They feel ashamed of what they did. They think if they just repent hard enough, they won’t do it again, so they beat themselves up. All the scriptures and quotations they can find are evidence of how bad they are. But pretty soon, they’re feeling so rotten that they can’t stand themselves. They seek out a way to make themselves feel better, to numb the pain for a while. And what is that way? You guessed it. [Editor’s note: Read this article about why addicts cannot stop using pornography and what true recovery can look like. Here’s a short article exploring the question about why they can’t stop.]

Another thing pornography addiction thrives on is secrecy. Most of the time, addicts act out alone. They view it in private, and they don’t tell anyone about it. This is related to their shame, of course, but it only feeds the addiction, because if no one knows, the addict isn’t accountable. They don’t have to answer to anyone, and they believe it when they tell themselves they’ll do better next time.

It doesn’t help the spouse, either, when we pretend these issues don’t exist or shame the addict for their problem. Pornography is a very common problem in the Church, but if we don’t talk about it with someone, when it happens we feel like we’re all alone. We don’t feel like we can confide in anyone, and we feel like we’re leading a double life when we’re not even the ones who are addicted. [If you are a spouse facing this problem and would like some women to talk with, see this forum. We also encourage you to seek a support group of some sort.]

7. Reach out to others.

This one’s closely related to #6, but it’s more for your well-being than his (and yes, your well-being matters just as much as his, if not more so. Don’t you have kids to raise, callings to fulfill, etc.?)

Talk to someone else. You could start by attending a group meeting. You could tell someone in your family, his family, or your visiting teachers. It doesn’t really matter who you tell. But find someone. Someone female would be best. If your confidante doesn’t deal with this, she’ll at least empathize as a woman, and if she does, she can tell you what’s helped her. It helps to know other people carry the same burden. It can affect anyone. And it also helps to meet people who have recovered. It’s possible!

8. Take care of yourself.

An addiction like this one can seem relentless. It isolates you, burdens you, and wears you down. For the sake of yourself and the people around you, you need to take care of yourself. You might not feel like it, but you need to do things for yourself. You need to take a break once in a while. Write down some things you like to do, and do them. It could be a hobby, or it could be something as simple as a bubble bath. You could get a babysitter and go somewhere. Get in touch with what makes you unique, apart from your burdens and apart from your family. Find some simple joy in your life.

9. Be patient with him. And yourself.

His recovery is going to take a long time, and you’re going to have to live with that. He can’t just stop, though it would be nice. It will probably take months or years until he’s “clean”, and even then, he will still have to fight temptation, though the fights get easier. It will most likely be a gradual process, where his slips become less and less frequent with time. It’s like a journey, and even when his slips hurt, if he’s improving overall, he’s moving forward. [Read this article about what recovery looks like.]

It will take time for you, too, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re still working on getting back to normal while he recovers. You won’t be able to forgive and trust right away, nor will you get over it quickly. You’re going to hurt for a while, but you can heal, too.

10. Find hope.

The scriptures alone won’t cure everything, but even so, there is still tremendous power and healing in the gospel. The Atonement isn’t just for your husband, after all. Find the solace and peace and answers you need however you can. You can’t fix anything alone, but if you find the courage to turn your husband and his addiction over to the Lord, He can work miracles in both your lives.

– – – –

Addiction Recovery Programs:

LDS Addiction Recovery Programs. http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6629-1-3414-1,00.html

They also have a self-help manual, A Guide To Addiction Recovery and Healing:http://www.providentliving.org/familyservices/AddicitonRecoveryManual_36764000.pdf

To find a support group near you check here: http://providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,4177-1,00.html

The LDS Church has a new recovery manual for spouses/parents/loved ones of addicts. Many of the LDS family support groups are using the draft of this manual (which we think is coming out soon) in their family support meetings. Email us for more information.

S-Anon Meetings. National 12 step program for spouses of sexual addicts and partners of sexual offenders, with a spiritual focus (principles are similar to the LDS addiction recovery program, both of which are based on the Alcoholics Anonymous program). Primarily married women in attendance. Companion program to SA. National: (615) 833-3152. — http://www.sanon.org/meetings.htm (There is also a new online S-Anon group that has formed. We have contact information for the facilitator of this group, but want to keep that person’s email address private. Email us for more information.)

Heart t’ Heart Meetings. An (unofficial) LDS 12 Step Addiction Recovery Support Group. Online meetings. Meetings for both addicts and family members. —http://www.heart-t-heart.org/meetings.html

LifeStar Network: http://lifestarnetwork.org/for_the_spouse.html

COSA Meetings. National 12 step program for partners and significant others of sexual addicts and sexual offenders. Both men and women in attendance. Companion program to SAA. National: 612-537-6904. — http://www.cosa-recovery.org/face2face.html

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) Meetings. A national 12 step program for sexual addicts and sexual offenders. Mostly males in attendance. National: (615) 331-6230

Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA) Meetings.  A national 12 step program for sexual addicts and some sexual offenders. Scattered meetings have female attendance. National: (713) 869-4902. –http://www.cosa-recovery.org/face2face.html

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“Throughout history [human beings] have always been looking for the easy way. [Some] have devoted their lives to finding the ‘fountain of youth,’ a miracle water which would bring everlasting life. Today [many] are still seeking … some magic ‘fountain’ that [will] bring forth success, fulfillment, and happiness. But most of this searching is in vain. … It is only this ‘living water,’ the gospel of Jesus Christ, that can and will bring a happy, a successful, and an everlasting life.” – Robert L. Simpson, quoted by Joseph B. Wirthlin

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We believe that “He divided the light from darkness to make day and night. He formed the sun, moon and stars. He divided the waters from the dry land to make seas, rivers and lakes. He made the earth beautiful and productive. He made grass, trees, flowers, and other plants of all kinds. These plants contained seeds from which new plants could grow. Then He created the animals-fish, cattle, insects, and birds of all kinds.” Because of this creation, the earth was “ready for the greatest creation of all – mankind.” (Gospel Principles, by Intellectual Reserve, Inc. 1978, 2009; page 24)

Looking at the things that the Lord has created for us is further evidence to me that He loves us. He has given us the ability to see and enjoy the stars and flowers. We are able to hear birds seeing and children laughing. We have animals to comfort us and help us. We have sunlight to keep us warm, water to keep us healthy.

In Doctrine & Covenants 59:18-19 it reads “Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the benefit and the use of man, both to please the eye and gladden the heart; yea, for food and for raiment, for taste and for smell, to strengthen the body and to enliven the soul.”

Seeing flowers in bloom sends a little flutter through me (which is why I take so many photographs of flowers). I know that they gladden my heart, and add life to my soul. I am so grateful for the knowledge that there is a God that created this world for us.

What are some of God’s creations that you appreciate?

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“As part our Midwifery studies we are researching the Mormon religion and any effects it may have during pregnancy and child birth. What are the views on pregnancy, and child birth particularly on medical intervention? Also do you have any particular traditions or beliefs?”

Answer: By Brenda**

I am currently pregnant with our fourth child and have had all of my children within private medical care in California. All of my children have been delivered by midwives employed by my health care provider. I found all of my midwives to be expert, caring and attentive. Good luck in your studies!

I’ve divided my response into sections, based on the process of conception to birth. Feel free to ask more questions if I have missed something that you wonder about. Of course, consider this personal perspective and not official doctrine. For official information on these topics, you can search lds.org on relevant topics.

1. Since medical intervention can begin even with the process of conception, let me start there. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we believe that the Biblical command to multiply and replenish the earth is still in effect and that the greatest joys in this life and the next will be found in family life This is one reason why Mormons in general tend to be a group that has larger families than average.

Family is so important to Mormons that LDS couples who long for a family may choose to use medical intervention to aid in fertility if they find that they are unable to conceive. (Foster care and adoption are also options for a LDS couples struggling with infertility.)

We also believe that life is precious and that the power to create it is sacred, reserved for marriage between a man and a woman, to enable children to be born to a father and a mother.  We believe in chastity before marriage and fidelity after. Thus, in our doctrine, abortion is not considered an acceptable type of birth control. LDS women may implement various other types of birth control as they prayerfully make decisions with their husbands about the size of their family, but on the average, we often have larger families than many.

You might be interested to read the following links. To learn more about an LDS perspective on Birth Control please read the following link:  “Birth Control” I encourage anyone interested in this topic to read all the associated documents given in this link. Very informative. For more information about LDS doctrines that relate to family life, you can read the following: The Family: A Proclamation to the World

2. During the pregnancy a mother and father may or may not choose to do genetic testing. Since we believe that life is precious, many (if not most) LDS women will choose to continue a pregnancy knowing that a child may have genetic or physical defects to give their baby the opportunity to have a body. We believe that all people are spirit children of our Heavenly Father who need a body to progress spiritually and physically and so just the opportunity to receive a body is of great worth to a new soul coming to the earth. Although this is a painful situation for mother and father to give birth to a child with known defects, they seek to prepare themselves emotionally and spiritually. Many mothers find joy in their children for as long as they live (seconds to years) and the children often find satisfaction in life if they are mentally capable of doing so.

Abortion in pregnancy is only considered an option in extremely rare circumstances when the pregnancy threatens the life of mother, or in cases of rape. Even then, the counsel is to be prayerful and to earnestly seek guidance from God about such difficult situations.

If a child can be benefited by an in-utero surgery, LDS parents would carefully consider whether to do procedures that would aid both mother and child. There is nothing in our doctrine discouraging such intervention.

3. Most LDS women in the United States go through normal physician care throughout their pregnancy. That may vary from country to country since we are a worldwide church and every culture is a little different in that regard (and every country has different levels of care). LDS women who are pregnant are typically quite healthy because of our health code called The Word of Wisdom. It encourages all people to avoid alcohol, drugs and smoking, not only during pregnancy but throughout life. Our health code also encourages healthy eating and regular physical activity.

Despite these good practices, mothers may still have various problems that can arise during pregnancy. Most LDS couples would welcome medical assistance that would keep both mother and child safe.

LDS mothers in the United States typically make their own birth plans. Most choose to have their babies in hospitals but some choose home births. Some will LOVE hospitals that provide epidurals while another mother will think it best to have a completely “natural” (drug-free) birth. There is a lot of room for opinion and choice in this regard, and in all aspects of our church. Choice is paramount; even if an LDS woman makes a choice that is inconsistent with doctrine, that is her right. We all have the freedom of choice.

4. If there are any problems (with mother or child or both) at or after the birth , any and all medical procedures deemed beneficial would be considered and most often taken.

You might be interested to know that doctors, midwives, and nurses who are attending LDS women and children who are very sick may encounter what is known as a Priesthood blessing. In this case two men (often the father/husband and a friend or leader of their congregation) will lay their hands on the head of the afflicted member (mother and/or child) if it is medically possible, often preceded by an anointing with oil. Sometimes premature or ill infants can only be touched gently with a finger or two through an incubator. During the blessing, the words offered (much like a prayer) are whatever the man feels is right to say. These blessings are usually given in conjunction with appropriate medical assistance, not in replacement of such help. If a woman is alone, or if her spouse is not an LDS Church member, she may ask medical staff to contact local clergy members in the area for a blessing like this.

You might also be interested in the following as well:

-The choice whether or not to circumsize a new baby boy is left completely up to the parents.

-The choice whether or not to breastfeed is completely up to the parents.

– The choice whether or not to immunize is up to the parents. (It should be noted, however, that the Church does help with immunization programs in underdeveloped countries, and also requires immunizations for missionary service in such countries.)

– Most LDS parents regularly and freely use pediatric care, particularly in more developed countries.

– We do not believe in infant baptism (children in our church are baptized at age 8). In fact, we believe that all children are born perfect and if they die as children, they are saved through Jesus Christ’s atonement. Of course, the physical loss of a child is tragic; LDS parents will seek solace from friends, family, clergy members like their Bishop [congregation leader], and they may choose to seek professional help to deal with their grief. But the loss of a child during pregnancy or at birth would not trigger a lament by believing LDS parents for the spiritual well-being of the child.

5. Since we are a worldwide church, regional customs may influence other choices at birth, like keeping the placenta and burying it at home. Church members are often encouraged to keep customs that are beneficial to their lives that are in keeping with church doctrine. If all goes well with mother and child, a birth is a very happy event in our culture.

I cannot speak to all of the regional customs of LDS people around the world, but in my family my husband stays with me throughout the birth and for my entire hospital stay. After delivery he holds the baby and takes a bunch of pictures, then he goes out and buys me my favorite type of pie and we eat it together. Our other children will visit us in the hospital with Grandma and Grandpa.

I hope this gives you some insight and information about how members of my religion react to medical intervention during pregnancy and birth as well as LDS customs that affect childbirth. We are very open to medical care and are appreciative to the helpful staff that administer it.

I wish you the best in your studies. Thank you for your desire to serve women and children and their families in this sacred process of helping a child come safely to this world.

– – – – – – –

**Please note: The answers in “Ask a Mormon Woman” reflect the thoughts, perspectives, and experiences of individuals. Although here at Mormon Women: Who We Are, we strive to have our content consistent with the Church’s doctrine and teachings, we do not speak officially for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For official information about or from the Church, please visit www.mormon.org or www.lds.org.

Have a question you would like to ask? Send an email to us at gmail, with username ‘mormonwoman’

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In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, all women 18 years and older belong to the largest women’s organization in the world: the Relief Society. It was established in 1842 by Joseph Smith.

I have always loved being a part of the Relief Society. Transitioning from the Young Women organization to Relief Society when I turned 18 was easy for me. I looked forward to the activities, and learning to be a good wife and mother. I was glad to go to class with my mother each Sunday.

Over the years, I have been able to attend many activities. I’ve learned a lot from other sisters in the organization, from more effective scripture study to wreath making. I’ve been able to serve people around me. I’ve become a better wife, a better mother, a better homemaker, and a better child of God.

When we moved 800+ miles from home a little over two years ago, I had a hard time. It was a move that I knew we were supposed to make, but knowing that doesn’t always make it easy. It was hard for me to leave behind my family and friends and the ward that we had been in for seven years.

The first Sunday that we attended our new ward, I really felt the power of the Relief Society. As we sat in sacrament meeting, I felt a peace wash over me. I realized how blessed I am to be a part of a church that is the same no matter where in the world where we attend. After sacrament meeting, we went to Sunday school and then I went to Relief Society. Sitting in the room that week, I was welcomed by many.

That was when I realized that I belong to a sisterhood–a sisterhood of women that I can count on and depend on, a sisterhood of women that will reach out to me and help me, a sisterhood of women who help me to feel I belong, and that I have a place to turn. I have a group of women; ranging in age from young to old, married and not, mothers, grandmothers and childless; that believe the things that I believe. That hope for the things that I hope for. That value the things that I value.

I am eternally grateful the insight of the prophet Joseph Smith. He knew that women would need other women to turn to in times of need and in times of happiness. We are blessed to have so many sisters in the church, no matter where we turn.

___

For more information about the Relief Society, see here.

For more We Believe posts, click here.

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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my family took a camping vacation to the redwoods. In the middle of the night I woke up to sharp pains in my abdomen and back. I tried to wait the pain out, hoping it would pass, but finally I decided to pray. In answer to my prayer I felt impressed to go to a hospital as fast as possible. I woke my husband and children and asked my husband for a Priesthood blessing. In the blessing, he asked that the Doctors and nurses would be able to correctly identify my ailment and treat me accordingly.

As we rushed to the hospital overwhelming pain overtook my body and I could feel contractions starting on the front of my belly, but the bulk of the pain resonated in my lower back. The nearest hospital was called Saint Dominic, a Catholic hospital, and it was over 12 miles away.

I was immediately admitted into Labor and Delivery because of my contractions. My body arched and dry heaved, not knowing how to rid itself of the pain. After asking me several questions about the source and type of pain I was experiencing, one nurse whispered to my husband, “I think she has a kidney stone, the contractions are just a reaction.”

After dozens of unsuccessful injections and IV attempts to stop the pain, my nurse was moved by an overwhelming compassion for me. We found ourselves alone for a moment because my husband had taken my children into to the hall to shield them from my screams.

She said, “I feel that you are a Christian.”

“Yes.”

“Can I pray over you?”

“Yes.”

Then she offered an open and heartfelt prayer to God pleading for Him to burst my yet undiagnosed kidney stone into a million pieces, that it might pass and let my body rest. She repeated her request over and over. I poured my faith in Jesus Christ into her prayer and we both said, “Amen.”

Hours later, results from my X-rays confirmed a badly swollen kidney due to a kidney stone. I was advised to get a shunt placed into my body to relieve the swelling in my kidney. After learning about the shunt I was worried and knew that I would prefer the stone to pass, as my nurse prayed for, if at all possible.

The next day, my kidney stone burst into a million pieces, without any medical treatments, as my nurse had requested.

This experience reminded me of a scripture found in the Bible.

“Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” Matt 18:18-19

There are many differences in doctrine taught by the various Christian denominations. But this experience taught me that when two people are united in faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, despite differences that may exist in doctrine, miracles can and will happen. I know God lives. I know God loves me. I know God is good. My nurse knew these things too.

I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church, is true. I believe that Joseph Smith was a Prophet of God and that prophets continue to deliver God’s word to men and women today as they did in the past. But I also believe in Christianity as a whole. I find it powerful that so many people of different ethnicities, countries of origin and religious traditions can “agree on earth” that Jesus is the Christ. In fact, because we agree or touch on that one vital truth, I believe that Jesus Christ can be in the midst of us all.

For more We Believe posts, click here.

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~by Jenna Consolo

Treats are the easy part of Family Home Evening, this tradition that has us gather our families around us every Monday night for a gospel lesson, an activity or game, some songs, a prayer, and then, for many families, refreshments.

I am an ardent believer in Family Home Evening. I have tried to faithfully hold it every Monday night, and the kids look forward to it.

Me? I do not, always. It’s like exercise. Sometimes you hate doing it, but you’re always glad you did it once it’s over.

I remember Family Home Evenings in my family growing up. Like a circus they were, with nine children for my parents to entertain, uplift, and educate, while keeping a modicum of control. The cycle continues in my own family now, circus and all, no matter my pleas (or threats) to the contrary. But I will persist because I believe in the promises made by a prophet to those who will obey. And, I think it really does make our family happier. Eventually, anyway.

With a recent Family Home Evening, the treat was easy to decide on. I knew I didn’t want something too sweet because of all the Halloween candy that had been consumed over the previous several days, so Lion House Banana Bread went into the oven early in the morning. But the lesson?

As the kids have gotten older, I have felt more pressed to make every lesson count. The weeks that the teens have left in our home are numbered and the pressures they face outside of our home are increasing. I want to pack a punch with our family time. I think long and hard each week. I search idea websites and the oodles of manuals and resources that I have here at home. And sometimes, at a loss, I pray. This was yesterday.

I told God about my concerns for my family, the things weighing on my heart for each of my children. I asked Him what He would have me teach. And very clearly, yet softly, came the answer.

Service.

I stayed on my knees for a time, thinking. Yes, service. To one another. There is too much contention. Too much mean-spirited humor. Too little kindness. How can we have the Spirit in our home if we’re not even nice to each other? How can testimonies grow in mean little hearts?

I went back to some websites and found just a few scriptures. The classics.

“When ye are in the service of your fellowmen, ye are only in the service of your God.” (Mosiah 2:17)

“For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it.” (Mark 8:35)

I found a great quote by Elder Robert J. Whetton that said, “Every unselfish act of kindness and service increases your spirituality. God would use you to bless others. Your continued spiritual growth and eternal progress are very much wrapped up in your relationships—in how you treat others.”

Yes, yes, this is the perfect lesson for us. Teens who are struggling with their own spirituality–who find it difficult to be sober and reverent–need to be reminded that their growth is connected to the way that they treat people.

I decided to have the kids play “The Biggest Loser,” a Family Home Evening idea I found on the internet that plays off of a weight loss reality television show. But in this game, points are given for “losing yourself” in the service of others.

I knew it was the right lesson. Still, evenings are chaotic. Homework is strewn about. I’m teaching piano until 6pm, and then dinner (which was, thankfully, cooking in the crock pot) had to be assembled, served, and eaten. The Teenage Girl gets home from work after 7pm, and then the battle begins with the toddler, who every week wants so badly to be a part of “Family Evening,” but who is the main source of disruption and frustration. One chance, I tell him. Again.

We sing a song, “Have I Done Any Good.” Teenage boy rolls his eyes and moves his lips, but without producing a sound. The toddler jumps from the couch where he is sternly directed to sit without moving, and begins to dance wildly around the room. Teenage girl is feeling homework pressure. I can see it in her face, but she never complains. Now the toddler is jumping on the teenage boy who is laying on his stomach on the living room floor. I get up from the piano, and put him back on the couch. Keep smiling. Talk sweetly.

A prayer. (Hasn’t worked yet.)

A few announcements and then we stop again because the toddler is now kicking the boy on the couch with both feet, and with all his might. I pick him up and carry him, crying and begging, up to his bed. As I come back down the stairs, having been gone for, maybe 15 seconds, the boy on the couch is now crying and holding his stomach. Apparently in that 15 seconds, the teenage boy has “played too rough” and has punched him and knocked the wind out of him.

Seriously?

So, then sweetness goes out the window. I am sick and tired of teenage boy thinking that his bad attitude can control this family. He has his hand out way too often to be given that kind of power, and I won’t stand for it. So, now he has his head down. Way down. But I don’t think he is ashamed, as much as he is ticked off and cursing me in his mind. Fine, let him.

I sit down. I want to cry. I want to run from the room and curl up in my bed. Throw it all out the window. The tension is thick. I wonder in my mind, “What is the point? We should just do this another night.”

But no. We are supposed to have this lesson, darn it.

I take a deep breath, and I look at their faces. I start to cry, but only a little. I tell them how much I love them, and how important this is, and how just that afternoon I had been on my knees asking Heavenly Father what I should teach them, and I just knew this is what He wanted. They each read a scripture. I read the quote to them, and told them that if we are unhappy with how we are feeling spiritually, then we need to examine the way that we are treating one another (myself included, of course). I told them that Heavenly Father wanted us to play a game this week, and were they willing?

Yes. I told them the game. I even told them that if they thought I wasn’t being serious, that they should ask Heavenly Father themselves and receive their own confirmation that this is what our family should be doing this week. I bore my testimony to them. The Spirit in the room changed. Even teenage boy looked up through his hair at me.

I gave them each a baggie with 50 pennies in it. I told them that for each act of service they did for a member of our family, they could put a penny inside the jar. But no mention of the acts of service can be made. The person who gets rid of the most pennies, who loses himself in the service of others most frequently throughout the week, is the “Biggest Loser” and will win a prize.

Immediately after closing song, prayer, and refreshments, I went to Teenage Boy and put my arm around him as he sat at the table. I apologized to him and told him, with a kiss on the cheek, how much I love him. Then I went upstairs to wash my face. Teenage boy came and met me in the bathroom. Towering above me as he does now, he put his arm around me and said, “I love you, Mom.” What a moment! And then? He started looking around for acts of service. He saw the flashlight next to my bed and replaced the batteries for me. He hung out in my room after the others had gone to bed, and told me about his friends, and school.

This morning there are already several pennies in the jar. Scripture study went much more smoothly this morning. We talked about the steps that Nephi followed to receive his own personal revelation. The kids were helping each other, passing out red pencils, and opening up Book of Mormons.

Family Home Evening works. It won’t work once. It won’t work now and then. But consistently, patiently, over the weeks and months and years, it will work.

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