A few years ago I had an experience with one of our adult children which illustrated this principle to me.

After living abroad for several years, my husband and I moved back to the States. Our daughter C, who had been living on the East coast, but was moving to California, planned to visit us on her way West. She sent us an email shortly after our arrival, part of which I quote (with her permission):

[Recently] I [have] realized that over the years. . . as I tried to establish my own identity outside of the family, I perhaps have also forgotten a bit of how much I do not only love my family but also LIKE them, despite our differences. And that I don’t need to be so quick to assume that I’m being criticized or judged. It’s hard sometimes, when you have a lot of history, to just take something at face value instead of reading it through years of filters.

This message came when we were in the midst of all the chaos that accompanies an international move. Although we had a laptop computer, I didn’t even check our email until several days after C sent us that message. When we read it, my husband and I were very touched and happy, and we commented to each other how wonderful it was of her to send it, and what a great time we would be having together when she visited us. But I then answered only a subsequent email from her, because it contained what I regarded as urgent questions about what we would be able to do together when she arrived. We then received a follow-up email from C:

Just a question. I didn’t get a response from either you or Dad about the letter I sent talking about trying to get past some issues. Did it offend you in some way? It’s hard to know with email because people might not write back just because they don’t think about it, get busy, don’t think they need to respond, etc. Decided maybe it was better to ask rather than just assuming I knew (see, trying to change my knee jerk responses!)

I responded immediately in a positive way, and the misunderstanding that had come to light was quickly resolved. The subsequent time we spent together was a very joyful experience. How grateful we were that C essentially followed the advice Christ gave in Matthew 5:23-24:

“Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the alter, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the alter, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.”

My husband and I had no idea that our failure to answer C’s email had caused her to wonder if it had fallen on either deaf or hostile ears. Had C not sent the follow-up message, she might have incorrectly assumed that we held resentments, and that might have prompted her to raise additional defensive barriers. We would never have given full expression to our mutual feelings of love and appreciation during our reunion, which made that time we spent together such a sweet and fulfilling experience for all three of us.

Even though C suspected that we might “have ought against” her, she was willing to risk possible further rejection by stating her concerns clearly. As it turned out, no offense was intended on either side. It was only a misunderstanding that was quickly resolved as soon as it was uncovered. But it was only uncovered because, when faced with what appeared to be mounting difficulties in her relationship with us, C chose not to build another wall.

How grateful we are that she chose instead to build a bridge.

By Rosalie

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]]> https://womenseekingchrist.org/2008/05/26/first-person-my-grandma-inspires-me/ Mon, 26 May 2008 23:21:11 +0000 http://mormonwomen.wordpress.com/?p=184 In the United States, today is Memorial Day, a day honoring those who have died in war, and also a day when we often pause to reflect on the lives of loved ones who have gone before. Following are some reflections by Mary about her grandmother. My grandmother on my mother’s side has always been […]

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]]> In the United States, today is Memorial Day, a day honoring those who have died in war, and also a day when we often pause to reflect on the lives of loved ones who have gone before. Following are some reflections by Mary about her grandmother.

My grandmother on my mother’s side has always been a great inspiration to me. She was 75 when I was born and lived another 18 years, so I had a chance to know her and spend some time with her, although we had moved halfway across the state when I was five.

Grandma came to northwestern Oklahoma in a covered wagon from Kansas. She and her husband (who died before I was born) lived in a dugout for some time before they could build a house. They were farmers and raised wheat and cattle.

Life was filled with hard work for Grandma. She cooked and baked on a wood stove for many years. She raised a garden for vegetables, which she canned for the winter. She sewed clothes and household items. She had all the usual housework and childcare (she had 5 children), but also helped some with the farming. Mom used to tell me about how Grandma and Grandpa were always feeding neighbors who were having a hard time – not that they had much either. People knew that if they were out of food, they could go to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s at suppertime and would be warmly welcomed and fed. Grandpa would entertain them with conversation while Grandma slipped into the kitchen and made more biscuits and noodles to fill out what they had to eat and everyone had a grand time.

Although not a Mormon, Grandma was a hard worker, a good Christian, a good wife and mother, and a good neighbor. When we went to visit her, she always prepared wonderful meals and had our favorite sugar cookies baking when we arrived. Her custard pie was out of this world. She greeted us with smiles and hugs and I never saw her being angry or upset. She was always bustling around doing something, and happily talking to whoever was around while she did it.

I can’t imagine having to work so hard – we have so many modern conveniences these days. We do, however, have work that we need to do–housework, church work, service, work outside the home, and so on. When I think of Grandma and other pioneer women and how they managed to do all those things without all the ease we have today, it inspires me to try to be more like them – more disciplined and yet cheerful, happy and content with what I have. I appreciate history – family and church – that tells me about these wonderful, hard-working women. They are good examples to me and inspire me to be a better person.

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