Last Saturday, Sister Joy Jones, general president of the Primary (organization for children) of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave a powerful talk at the Utah Coalition Against Pornography (UCAP) conference held in Salt Lake City, UT. Even though pornography was only recently recognized in Utah as a public health issue (and is being officially recognized as a public health issue by several other states now as well!), UCAP has been at work for years to try to educate people about the problem of pornography AND help people know what they can do to find healing.

The Church has also been speaking out for years against pornography, and it continues to expand its reach and resources to help not only adults who struggle, but to help parents learn how to help their children. We, too, have been working toward this end for years here at Mormon Women. (If you are a woman impacted by pornography use of a loved one, please see HopeAndHealingLDS.com for more resources and information. We also have many resources here, but they haven’t been updated for a while since Hope and Healing became the channel to help readers who needed information and support.)

Sister Jones, of course, cares about the well-being of children because of her calling. But there is much more to her intentions. Just like so many of us, she knows too many people impacted by pornography, and she was speaking”as a concerned woman, mother, and grandmother.”

To me, Sister Jones is a model for parents, and for leaders and mentors of children around the world. She boldly, unequivocally takes a position about the harms of pornography and the responsibility we have as adults to be the grown-ups and do what needs to be done to help children in the face of their pornified world.

She quotes Elder Dallin H. Oaks with an urgency that I hope people in and outside of the Church will heed:

“Children are highly vulnerable. They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves and little influence on so much that is vital to their well-being. Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests.”[3]

There is too much of selfish adult interest when it comes to sex (and business). This is a key reason why pornography is a public health issue for children and also for adults and marriages and families.

But following Sister Jones’ lead, let’s talk about the children today (I’m talking about children and youth, not just littles). Even with the best of protections in a home and in relationships, children can innocently stumble on material that is nothing short of a form of sexual abuse that harms their minds and their tender hearts and confuses, even hijacks, what should be a slow and gradual process of mental, emotional, social, relational, spiritual and sexual development. Just as cyberbullying can impact a child as deeply as real-life bullying, adult (and often violent, manipulated) sexuality imposed on children can impact children’s well-being in significant, serious, and multifaceted ways.

Sister Jones touches on simple things that we can do in our communities to speak up and make a difference. But I want to focus here on what the bulk of her talk is about — how love is the best armor to help children navigate this sexualized, pornified, digitally-driven world that they live in.

Sister Jones played off of Fight the New Drug‘s popular slogan that “Porn Kills Love.” She goes beyond that slogan in a powerful way, however — a way that I think is so very important…because when someone is stuck in the cycle of using pornography, telling them that porn kills love may only add to the shame. (Let me be clear that Fight the New Drug teaches clearly that porn is designed to hook people in, so kids need not feel shame when they feel the draw of sexualized content. Fight the New Drug works tirelessly to help youth break free, and still I have seen how this slogan alone sometimes leaves people feeling deflated, not hopeful.)

So I was thrilled to see Sister Jones build on Fight the New Drug’s impactful work to bring in how love has to be the foundation of our efforts on children’s behalf. She says:

First, we say “I love you” by truly protecting them. Second, we say “I still love you” by the way we respond to their exposure to pornography, whether intentional or not. And third, we say “I will always love you” by providing loving support for them as they work on healing if they’ve experienced compulsive use or addiction. In each phase, love is the key.

Love drives our desire to build strong relationships and to take deliberate actions to protect children from pornography exposure both in our homes and in the community. But since most children will be exposed at some point in their young lives, love must also drive our response (and hopefully drive our efforts to create safe places to talk about hard things before they happen so that children feel safe talking about hard things). Lastly, love must drive our efforts to help children and youth who may need help healing…and there may be more who need it than we want to acknowledge. (Spurred by heavy traffic here from women suffering because of their husband’s pornography addictions, I’ve spent years trying to help support those who are in adulthood suffering because loved ones in their lives never got help as children or youth. Out of hundreds of stories, I have only heard one that was of a pornography problem that began in adulthood.)

As such, I want to add something to what Sister Jones said. Serious harm, even trauma, can result when a child or teen is exposed to pornography  — even with one exposure. I’ve read and heard too many stories of adults whose problems started with that first exposure — not because they as children did anything wrong, but because pornography wrongs them. It can have deep and lasting effects, including, yes, potentially leading to addiction, but oh, how I want to urge people to slow down and get present and walk side-by-side with children and teens to help them process what is happening with them, now. And to love and help them through it.

Even with all I know about these things, I see the confusion and overwhelm and misunderstandings my children continue to face (teens and young adults now) because the culture around them is so saturated by sex and relational, emotional, social, cultural, and other (political, ahem) drama. Their peers often can’t guide them; they are swimming in the same poisoned cultural water. Precious few people around them know how to help them be anchored in principles of truly healthy living (which is essential if you want to talk about healthy sexuality).

When I first started researching this topic over six years ago (as a admin here and also as a mom), I was stunned to see that several of the stories of adults who struggled started when they were as young as six years old. To Sister Jones’ second point, without a safe place to talk about what they had experienced in being exposed to pornography, these children were left alone to try to process something their young brains simply couldn’t or shouldn’t have had to process.

I also quickly learned that trying to help my children avoid pornography addiction was less about pornography and more about helping them learn skills like self-awareness, coping with emotions and stress in healthy ways, and deliberateness and integrity in their choices. (If you want to understand how to parent your children, I suggest learning from the stories of addicts in recovery. That is what changed me as a parent and as a person who has always wanted to understand more about human behavior (my educational background) and especially about the Atonement of Jesus Christ.)

Here’s another example of what I witnessed in my efforts to learn and take a stand about pornograpahy . A few years ago, because of the research and work I’d done for HopeAndHealingLDS.com, I was hired by an organization working to raise awareness around the harms of pornography.  A woman contacted us, wanting to share her story about her 8-year-old daughter’s exposure to hard-core pornography through an innocent internet search with a friend. Their curiosity was normal, but the mind-hijacking impact of pornography changed their little lives and rocked their families — and friendships — to the core. (Note: You can’t sex ed your way through a 6-year-old or 8-year-old’s experience with this, even as more open conversation about sex may help children feel safe to go to parents with questions rather than the internet or their peers. But please, again, understand that pornography exposure can impact a child’s (or adult’s) view of self, of God, of relationships, of love, and of the world…beyond just what good sex ed even in the home could do. Pornography exposure may begin with curiosity about sex, but more talk about or more experience with sex will not heal what pornography can do to a mind, body, heart, and spirit. Again, the antidote to pornography is not healthy sexuality, it’s healthy, deliberate, connected, love- and purpose-filled living (which then can lay the foundation for healthy sexuality). Healthy exuality doesn’t happen in a vacuum of other aspects of a person’s life.

Back to Sister Jones. Her whole talk is worth a read (and a re-read, and a share), but I will highlight one more point here in this post. It’s the word why. Sister Jones says:

As parents and teachers, we can’t help children if we aren’t educated ourselves. Teaching the what and the why is essential. We can learn for ourselves and help children understand why pornography is wrong, why it is so dangerous, why we don’t want it to hurt them, and what to do if they encounter it.

Are we giving our children a sufficient why in age-appropriate ways? If the only reason we give them to avoid pornography is “It’s bad,” that may end up being an inadequate reason. Instead, we must present as many whys as we can to establish a moral imperative that is motivating for our youth. [Emphasis is hers.]

Before you talk to your kids about pornography, or before you just run out and filter your home to death, first go hug your children and spend some time with them (build relationships of trust!). Start with the love that you know how to offer. And then build from there. Stop and listen to them talk about their lives and the world from their young point of view. I guarantee that many of your children are facing things you can’t comprehend because most of us didn’t grow up with what they are growing up with. I am immersed in learning about this topic and I still get shocked and easily overwhelmed by what children and youth face. So stop and ask and listen and listen some more. That connection with your children will do more for your heart than about anything, and will be the critical foundation that Sister Jones talks about. Love them. Start there.

And then get committed to learning about why pornography is harmful, if you haven’t already. And don’t stop learning. We can’t parent from a place of fear; education and especially being grounded in love can cast out fear. Please choose to act rather than react. Connect with experts and other parents who care. Tag-team with your spouse or your friends to absorb insights from a conference or two. Slow down and invest the time it takes to understand these issues, and then leverage the power of the council system in your homes, congregations, and communities to do what it takes to love our children away from the impacts of living in a pornified world. This is bigger than us any of us alone, but working together, change can happen — first in our hearts and our homes and then in our culture and our communities.

One last note: I will say again that there are those in our larger culture and even in the Church culture who will try to minimize the seriousness of the plague of pornography. I’m not talking about isolating addiction as the indicator of the seriousness of the problem, I’m talking about the impact it can have from exposure one. Pornography victimizes children and that can happen without anything but content on a screen acting on a child or teen. Of course there are people behind the creation and money-grubbing distribution of that content, but so far our society does very little to hold those people accountable for the harms they are causing to our children, all in the name of free speech or free commerce or adult sexual freedom. Nothing is ever free. Choices have consequences and I stand behind Sister Jones and so many others who are taking a stand about the consequences of pornography on the health of children, youth, adults, families, and society.

To me, Sister Jones’s invitation is this: Stand first by standing by your children in unwavering love and then work from there as you feel guided to do. I researched for this website, yes, but at the same time God was urging me to learn all I could for the sake of my children. That learning on behalf of my children changed everything for me, including my own spiritual journey. For all that pornography harms, the antidotes of love and healthy living can change lives. Let pornography be a springboard for learning about these things!

I will go back to the quote from Elder Oaks that Sister Jones used. We have a duty and responsibility to do all we can first to consider and protect and commit to the well-being of our own children, the children in our sphere of influence, and the children in our society.*** They are the future of the earth. We care a lot as a society about preserving natural resources, but there is nothing more precious, more deserving of our protection than our children. (See also this talk by Elaine Dalton.)

There were days when adults tried to convince each other that cigarettes were healthy. Why? Because marketing and money drove the conversation. Adults know full well now that smoking is bad for anyone and that chemicals like alcohol and drugs are really, really bad for developing youth and young adults. Our culture is waking up to the seriousness of sexual abuse, but that conversation will not be close to complete without recognizing that creators and distributors of pornography are perpetrating sexual trauma on children (as well as contributing to a culture of sexual violence and trafficking of both children and adults.) Addressing sexual abuse without addressing the plague of pornography will make the former effort incomplete at best — and at worst will sabotage it.

Again, this can start first in our hearts as we seek to have love drive all we do for our children. They need us. And we need them.

***To any who are paralyzed in your ability to help your children because of your own struggles (either because of your own pornography issues or those of a loved one), then please make the decision now to seek the help you need. There is hope and help available, but you have to reach out! Isolation and secrecy and fear make all of this worse for adults, too. Again, most adults who struggle are grown-ups who never got the help they needed as children or youth and those impacts continue into the next generations. It usually takes a combination of a lot of different kinds of support (lots of love!!) to overcome the impacts of pornography, but never have we had so many resources at our disposal. Keep reading your scriptures, keep praying, keep going to church. And seek out support from those who have found healing through support groups. Consider professional therapy from one who understands that pornography (the real issue is lust as a drug) really can destroy lives. God will help you know what next steps to take and will be more able to help you if you will start moving your feet by getting out of isolation. Please don’t try to tackle this alone. You’ve already tried that. 🙂 Please reach out! Miracles can happen when that simple first step is taken. God will never stop loving you and there are many who will be willing to help. Ask until you find someone(s) who will. I am grateful to stand arm-in-arm with many others committed to helping in this space, and we send our love your way.

This post has been edited from the original.

The post Love Kills Porn: Sister Joy Jones speaks about pornography at UCAP appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Have you seen the series on Mormon Channel called His Grace? Hear honest, poignant stories about people who have tasted of the grace of Jesus Christ and had their lives changed, even saved.

Here is a story of a woman who struggled with pornography addiction.

Pornography Addiction: Is There Hope?

If you or someone you know needs help and support with pornography addiction, there are many resources available.
Also, if you are a loved one of someone with an addiction, we encourage you to seek support as well.

The Church has an addiction recovery program, including a family/spouse support program, and there are also other community and online resources available for both those in addiction and for their loved ones.

The post Pornography Addiction: Is There Hope? #amazedbygrace appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

At the same time, I am struck every time by the patterns in the stories. Addiction has predictable patterns. Which means there is hope for the principles and support and therapeutic approaches that can help those who need healing. It is gratifying to see how many people are spending their time and energy to help couples in this situation. “KatieDid” is an example of one such person. Catch a snippet of her story below, and find information about what she and others are doing in the Northwest part of the US in September.

A guest blog post written by “KatieDid”

When I was a girl, I would often dream about love and romance. I looked forward to the time when I would fall in love and get married. I wanted to meet someone with whom I could share my true self. We would share everything about ourselves: our hopes, joys, dreams, work and sorrows. I knew marriage wouldn’t be a walk in the park, but I believed it would be worth the effort. Eventually I found that special someone and we began our life together. He was my best friend and greatest supporter. We worked, played, cried and laughed together.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, over the next few years that relationship changed. We still lived and worked together, but that closeness was gone. I felt the loss, but assumed it was due to the stress of having children and still being in school. Not everything can last forever. One evening my husband came to me looking very uncomfortable. He confessed that he had been using pornography….

Read more of KatieDid’s story at hopeandhealinglds.com

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And take a look at the end of the post for information about a conference that will be held by the Northwest Coalition for Healthy Intimacy in Portland, Oregon on Saturday, September 13, 2014 Speakers will includeDouglas Weiss, Ph.D; Donald L. Hilton, M.D.; Geoff Steurer, LMFT; Rhyll and Steve Croshaw; and LaVarr McBride, instructor of criminology at Penn State University. The conference will include an exclusive pre-screening of the forthcoming documentary The Heart of the Matter: Finding Light in the Darkness of Pornography Addiction (formerly titled Shamed). Editor’s note – this is a must-see!) Find more information or register at www.nwchi.org.

The post Restoring Intimacy – a personal story appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

But for now, here are three resources for wives — two of them are available today and one starts tomorrow.

Today, at 12:15 MST, there will be a FREE webinar entitled Addiction and Intimacy: How and Why Addictions Prevent Intimacy

Here are the registration details:

Please register for Addiction and Intimacy: How and Why Addictions Prevent Intimacy on Feb 18, 2014 12:15 PM MST

https://attendee.gotowebinar.com/register/3199177871474661890

After registering, you will receive a confirmation email containing information about joining the webinar.

Furthermore, if you would like to register and can’t make it, email eric at addorecovery.com and someone will send you a digital copy of the free webinar.

– – – – – – – – – – –

TONIGHT, in Lehi, there will be a FREE conference for wives of pornography addicts held by LifeStar of Lehi.  For those who aren’t in the area, they will be trying to post a video recording of the event on their website AddictionHopeAndRecovery.com. For any questions, you can email lifestarlehi at gmail d/com

– – – – – – – –

There is a FREE six-week course on healing from betrayal trauma, sponsored by AddoRecovery starting on February 19th. You can sign up (and find out more information) here.

The post Resources (this week!) for Wives of Pornography Addicts appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Editor’s note: Both because of the quantity of searches we’ve had over the years from wives struggling with their husband’s addictions and because of my new(ish) job in the porn prevention world, you will continue to see posts on this topic from me. I think we as parents need to be discussing this more, sharing ideas and experiences (both successes and failures) with each other. Remember when Sister Beck invited sisters to fight against the plague of pornography? If you haven’t heard it, it’s worth a listen. Here’s the snippet where she urges us to rise to the responsibility to protect our children. This plea has been repeated recently by Elder Cook as well. “Our primary emphasis, however, should always be to make any necessary sacrifices to protect our own family and the rising generation.²⁰ The vast majority of them are not yet in bondage to serious addictions or false ideologies. We must help inoculate them from a world that sounds a lot like the Jerusalem that Lehi and Jeremiah experienced.”

Protecting our children needs to be our “primary emphasis”! We can’t just protect through filters or technology solutions, or by waiting for petitions or government action to take place. We have to lead out and help protect our children by being educated and aware ourselves (and getting help if we struggle with addiction!). And we need to help them develop internal filters through spiritual health, emotional health, mental health, and social/relational health.

It was a combination of a fifth-Sunday lesson from our bishop and the emotion and passion in Sister Beck’s voice that spurred me as a mom to get more educated about pornography addiction. The Spirit was working on me with intensity. I will be honest; I also had the nagging desire to bury my head in the sand and pretend pornography addiction really wasn’t as big of a problem as my bishop made it sound. But I knew I couldn’t do that. I knew I had to be deliberate and get educated and make protecting and preparing my children against pornography and addiction a priority.

Now that I have spent years becoming more educated, I realize that I started way too late thinking about this. My children were still in pre-teens/pre-pre-teen mode at the time, but now I have learned that teaching children media literacy (thanks, Beauty Redefined!) needs to happen a lot younger and very deliberately. I have learned more about the brain science of pornography/sexual addiction how even young children’s brains can develop addictions. From that point on when the Spirit spurred me out of my slumber, I was open and deliberate with my children about my hope to help them grow up without addiction in their lives. (That means we talk about more than just pornography, but we do talk a lot about that specifically.) I will say, too, that that meant a lot more than just talking about sex. (I’d been open with them about sex from the time they were young.) What I have learned is that talking to them about sex is NOT the same thing as talking to them about pornography!

I recently shared some resources for talking with children about cell phone safety. I wanted to share some resources that I hope can be helpful for you to learn more about pornography and sexual addiction, and about pornography prevention, so that you can be informed and empowered as a parent or grandparent or teacher to know how to help children navigate our porn-saturated world

(If you have a child already struggling with addiction, there are places you can go for support. For example, Healing through Christ has a workbook for loved ones of those in addiction. They also have phone meetings (email me at mormonwoman a/ gmail d/ com for more info and I can forward information from them to you).  The Sons of Helaman community is made up of LDS moms who are supporting each other and sharing what is helping them through this challenge. The Hope and Healing Forum has women (mostly wives, but some moms) who understand what it is like to have a loved one in addiction. LDS Addiction therapists who can help you navigate this include people like Brannon Patrick, Jeffrey Ford, Geoff Steurer, Tyler Patrick, Dan Gray, Kathy Kinghorn, Dorothy Maryon, Roger Stark, Mark Chamberlain, Rory Reid, Matthew Buckley (specializes in helping youth…just heard about him and his book) and others. Fight the New Drug has a new program coming out for youth struggling with addiction as well, called Fortify. You can email me for more names.)

I already shared a few links above. There is a lot more great educational material at sites like Net Nanny, Candeo, Covenant Eyes, Porn Harms, Fight the New Drug (linked above), SA Lifeline, Porn Proof Kids, and more. (I don’t have time to include all the resources of which I’m aware, but that can be a good start.)

If you can get your hands on this journal, there is a review of research done in 2012: The Impact of Internet Pornography on Adolescents: A Review of the Research (from Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment & Prevention, in a special issue on Cybersex

Some good authors on the topic include Jill Manning, Mark Kastleman, Don Hilton, Mary Muller (you can preview some of her book about protecting innocents here), Steven Cramer. You can see more authors and books that have been listed at lds.org here.

I also highly recommend reading books and tapping into educational resources about shame. Brené Brown is a well-known researcher and speaker on this topic (warning, she has a bit of a foul mouth sometimes but the principles she teaches are brilliant). I also had the opportunity to read one of the books by a pastor named F. Remy Diederich, which helped me understand a lot about how I can help my children avoid being trapped in shame. And he kindly has offered to share them for free.

Stuck: How to Mend and Move on From Broken Relationships (ePub File: http://bit.ly/1a6bWCb; Kindle File: http://bit.ly/17hMDeO; PDF File: http://bit.ly/17hMOXz. 

Healing the Hurts of Your Past: A Guide to Overcoming the Pain of Shame: ePub File: http://bit.ly/19bDbhC; Kindle File: http://bit.ly/1cpjzK8; PDF File: http://bit.ly/17cG7H9

Have you ever heard of the LDS Tech forums? This is an underused resource where tech experts from the Church gather in “crowdsourcing” mode to help the Church work on technical projects and to help members get answers to questions about technology. There is a whole section in the forums just for Family Safety with Technology. Topics in this particular space include discussions not just related to concerns about pornography (e.g., filtering technology (and the very real limitations and downsides of filters, or at least relying solely on filters — with some VERY wise advice), thoughts about using Facebook, more), cybercrime issues, general internet addictions (remember, parents, kids don’t have to be addicted to pornography to have an addiction that can hurt them), video game addictions, and more.

You can also find more information about technology solutions, internet safety, and how to communicate with your children at places like Enough is Enough, McAfee’s family safety center, the FBI’s website, and Women for Decency (including Digital Safety How-tos and tips for talking to children).

Women for Decency (the organization I work for) also has created a couple of programs for White Ribbon Week (a program used in some schools). While these are designed for a school’s parent-teacher organization (PTA, PTO), the principles are valuable for anyone with a stewardship for children — especially for parents! See two booklets that are free for download: I Have the Power and Let’s Get Real.

You can find more resources for talking to your children at BYU’s Continuing Education website (I already did a search for you!). In those search results you can find a multitude of documents shared at a BYU Women’s Conference Sharing Station, for example, or a handout about addiction and recovery.  found a couple of BYU Women’s Conference links, for example. There have been some programs on BYU-TV about pornography as well.

For teaching children about sexuality, A Parent’s Guide is at the top of my list. Jill Manning shared some thoughts at a Time Out for Women a couple of years ago. You will see that she has recommended books by Brad Wilcox and Richard and Linda Eyre.  (I do want to say that I disagree with the Eyre’s about a recent article they published…my thoughts are more along the lines of this post in response to their article — about how emotional health (not just talking about healthy sexuality) is KEY to helping protect children from porn.)

As I said before, this is an incomplete resource list. If you have other resources you would like to share, please leave them in the comments below! 

The post Protecting Children Against Pornography: A Resource List appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

We also have archived stories of women who have themselves suffered from addiction, and we welcome others’ stories of facing this trial with the help of God and the support of others. Find more links here.

If you would like to share your story of how your faith and/or reaching out to others has helped you find healing and strength through any difficult trial, please let us know at mormonwomen a/ gmail d/ com. You can also read many other essays about facing trials with faith. 

There is a place for you

~by Jane

About a year ago I ran a half marathon in the foothills outside my city. A friend who had run the race before warned me of a steep hill around mile eight. I trained on hills and felt confident and capable. But as mile eight approached, and I started the first few steps up the hill, my confidence waned. When I saw the size of the climb ahead of me, I quit believing I was capable. I glanced around to gauge how others were doing. Just ahead of me — close enough to leave me feeling self-conscious about my heavy breathing — was another woman. A few feet behind me another determined female runner. I took courage.

As we climbed the hill, when my pace would slacken, my “friend” to my rear would vocalize an encouraging cheer. “You got this!” she would say between her own heavy gasps, and I would feel renewed strength. When the runner just ahead of me started to fall behind, I would clap a few times for her and she would lunge back to my side.

When I was weak, my friends were strong. When they felt they could go no further, I nudged them on.

Once we peaked over the hill I lost track of these two women. But I remembered their faces and figures. As I celebrated with my family at the finish line I looked around and saw one of the women and she smiled at me. A few minutes later I brushed shoulders with the other woman and we muttered some unintelligible expressions of gratitude. My heart was full of love and joy that we had all made it.
I didn’t know their names, I knew nothing about them. All I knew was that we were all trying to make it over that impossible hill. And that was all we needed, one common thread to tether us together. And at the finish my joy was three-fold, my own accomplishment and hers. And hers.

We are all so unique. Sometimes I am surprised at my own paradoxical nature. I drive a pick-up truck to yoga on Saturday mornings. I fall in love with the college athletes on the football team of my local university almost as much as I fall in love with characters like Fanny Price from classic literature.

My husband is equally unique. His story is unique. He wasn’t addicted to porn before we got married and he has been almost ridiculous in his honesty.

But I have found a safe place in this WoPA community. Where it doesn’t matter how different I am, or what my husband’s story is. I have found women, sometimes I don’t even know their real names, to stand by my side and encourage me. We have that one common thread. The disappointed hopes and broken hearts known only to wives of porn addicts.

Maybe you feel like you don’t belong. Maybe your husband’s story “isn’t that bad.” Or maybe you can’t possibly imagine that any other husband has done the horrible things yours has. Maybe you feel too ashamed or too afraid to share your story. Maybe you think you have nothing to offer. Maybe this addiction has destroyed your self-esteem so much that you feel unwanted or unlovable.

But there is a place for you.

There IS a place for you. This community consists of blogs, forums, 12-step meetings and retreats. Send an email, make a phone call, comment on a post. Register for a forum, attend a meeting, pray for God to guide you to a friend.

We are all facing an impossible hill. We often feel our confidence waning and we start to believe that maybe we aren’t capable of making it through. Reach out. Listen carefully for the voices around you who are cheering you on. Look around for those who are losing their pace, whose steps are weak and growing weaker.

When we get to the finish, our joy will be one-hundred fold. Not just our accomplishment. But hers. And hers. And hers…and hers….

Photo from Wikimedia Commons

The post To WoPAs: There is a place for you appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Many thanks to another woman who submitted her story for WoPA week. We have many more stories and resources on our site for women who are affected in some way by pornography. See the bottom of this post for more resources recommended by this sister.

My husband has a porn addiction.  I wish I was alone.  I wish I was the only one who was dealing with this.  I wish nobody else ever had to deal with the feelings and problems this brings into a marriage.  But, I’m not alone.  I’m far from alone.

I had been married less than a year the first time I found pornography my husband had viewed.  I was shocked, horrified and confused.  We were so happy — the perfect marriage.  Why did he have this?  What was wrong with ‘us’ that had him looking to this trash?  I confronted him when he got home from work, and he broke down and confessed to first being introduced to porn at nine years old and an ever increasing interest in it grew until in his later teens as he found massage books and his older brother’s porn stash.  He ‘got it under control’ long enough to get out on his two year LDS mission, and was shocked when it quickly resumed once he got home, escalating in frequency as he spent time on campus, discovering internet porn with a laptop and wi-fi.  He started and stopped often.  He trudged along through school, spending more time searching for pornography than studying. He’d been trying to ‘stop’ for a bit, realizing at 24, that life wasn’t going anywhere.  He felt like he should come hang out with me and my friends.  Within weeks we were inseparable.  Within the year, we were married.  People commented all the time they’d never seen two happier people.  He was more than I even knew I wanted.  He was so in love with me, so doting and enamored that complete strangers would chuckle and comment, “Wow, he sure loves you!”  I had the perfect life.

And it felt like it came crashing down around me.  I mean sure, the porn itself was a hard pill to swallow — but how could he lie to me?

But, despite dealing with some self-esteem issues, I was ready to forgive and move on.  Then it happened again, I found some pictures he emailed himself so he could ‘check them out later’.  This time our Bishop suggested counseling.  The counselor was kind and sympathetic, assured me this wasn’t about me ‘not being enough’, and I started my education on porn addiction and what it was all about.  My husband attended all the sessions, but never seemed to really ‘try’ like I wanted him to.  The journaling, the note-taking, the self-awareness, none of it was happening like it should.  But he was seemed so repentant and begging my forgiveness, and we moved forward, with that particular trial securely behind us.

Apparently my porn addiction education wasn’t thorough enough yet.  I just didn’t get it.  It popped up again.  We talked to a Bishop again.  This time we had it.

Every single time I was the one who found it (besides one or two token, “I looked at a Sports Illustrated edition, I’m so sorry!”)  He’d tell me he was so sorry, that he was just so afraid of hurting me that he couldn’t bring himself to tell me.  But he’s say he’d never lie to me to the face — so keep asking him about it, thinking that if I asked him, he’d be unable to lie.

Not true.  I was lied to.  A lot.  While looking him in the eye. That hurts so much worse than the porn.

This went on for a few years . . . once to twice a year I’d ‘catch’ some slip up or another.  He’d promise to do better.  Rinse and repeat.

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that the reality of our situation hit.  Once again I found out he had been looking at it, but this time he confessed that it had always been there, only gone for brief times.

Another friend of mine has a husband dealing with the same thing, and he put it this way, “Take everything I’ve told you about my problem — frequency, obsession, acting out — and double it. Maybe quadruple it.”  The addiction needs secrecy, and my husband had never let me see the full picture — it was too embarrassing, too painful, too ‘real’.  But this time the magnitude of the problem came spilling out. The porn had always been there.  All those times I thought he’d ‘slipped’ up when I discovered some crumb here or there — those were the few things that had fallen through his trying to cover his tracks.  He might have stopped for a few weeks, even months, but most of the time I thought it was under control, it hadn’t been.  He’d usually just been spinning his wheels long enough to get me off his back, then he went back to it.  Sometimes he’d really wanted to get away from it, at least for awhile, but usually at least part of him was fully aware he wasn’t really trying.  My world felt like it shattered.  I felt stupid, worthless, broken and scared.  I’d been so lied to.  By someone who loved me so much (and I had no doubt he loved me).  Purposefully manipulated and hidden from so that he could keep his secret part of his life without me causing any pesky cognitive dissonance.

But it was all out now.  And my husband went 11 months without looking at porn.  But, even with this long term abstinence from viewing porn, he had never really entered ‘recovery’.  He wasn’t doing counseling and 12-step groups.  And neither was I.  We both just wanted to put this behind us.  If we’d truly understood what we were up against, then it wouldn’t come as no surprise when he slipped back into the addiction.  Earlier last year I discovered that he had started looking at pornography again.

The last eighteen months have been one of the most humbling, and joyous, times of our lives.  My husband did decide that he couldn’t keep going through this same cycle over and over again without losing everything, and has since entered recovery.  He attends meetings, journals, goes to group meetings.  He’s found incredible peace and camaraderie and acceptance in attending group meetings and therapy.  He’s a walking Brené Brown book, talking constantly about the amazing blessing vulnerability has been. He can talk for hours about the pain and damage done by shame.  He is a new man, and while he was already among the best men I knew, he is so much happier and better now.

For me, I am finding peace in my own recovery.  I’ve made countless friends, I’ve opened up and talked to friends, family and others with whom I’ve felt prompted to share. I’ve been met with a few awkward looks, but for the most part I’ve found acceptance, love and understanding.  I am so much happier not living a secret life where I didn’t let anyone in.  I now have found my truest friends and have truly come to understand ‘mourning with those who mourn, and comforting those who stand in need of comfort.’

I have been there sisters.  I’m still there, even with 18 months of sobriety, recovery is still a part of our lives every day.  And we wouldn’t change that.  The things I have learned about my Savior, about the purpose of trials in life, and about betrayal trauma and how it was affecting me, have been among the greatest lessons of my life.

If you are going through this, you are not alone.  I have witnessed miracles in my own life, and in my husband’s, as we have reached outside ourselves to others who are going through the same thing.  I am finding healing and peace, and a relationship with my Savior that I would walk through this and any fire to have.  If you are going through this, please seek out your own healing, independent of what your husband chooses to do.  Aren’t we commanded to bear one another’s burdens, to comfort those who stand in need of comfort and to mourn with those who mourn?  We must get outside ourselves to be able to accomplish these most Christlike tasks.

You are not alone sisters, not one of us, no matter the trial in our lives, none of us are alone.  God gave us each other.  If you are dealing with this particular addiction in your life, in your marriage, or any addiction or unhealthy relationship, please reach out to those who’ve come before you and can help you through the pain to find the peace and comfort that can only come through the Atonement.   This is his addiction — but it’s left you with real and sometimes significant trauma.  Your husband will need to seek out recovery to get to where he needs to be — but whether he’s ready to do that now or not, you have no control over that.  You have control over exactly one person in your life, and that’s you.  There are meetings, there are online forums, and there are likely sisters in your own ward or neighborhood who would be happy to share their experiences in recovery with you — ask your Bishop if he can work out an introduction for you to someone who’s been where you are.

– Your sister & friend

RESOURCES:

[This sister also shares some of the resources that have helped her and others.]

If you are dealing with this, I want to assure you — it is NOT your fault.  Please educate yourself so you understand the real issues and scope of the problem.  Please reach out — I wasted years of letting the adversary use this trial to beat me down and tell me lies about myself.  By opening up and reaching out, there is no place for the adversary’s lies to hide within me anymore.   I’m compiling a list of resources that I’ve found helpful.

www.combattingpornography.org (12 Step Addiction Recovery meetings – like AA)

This is the official LDS Church website.  Here you can find local support meetings.  There are meetings for families dealing with both ‘general addiction’ and specifically for ‘pornography addiction.’

www.addorecovery.com (Free, and amazing, workshops for wives)

A brand new therapy group that specializes in pornography addiction.  While I strongly recommend counseling for those going through this, I believe prayer and your own experience lead you to where you need to be, and I wouldn’t endorse one therapist over another.  But, the reason I include this company, is that they are doing something unheard of . . . they are focusing primarily on the healing of wives, and they’re offering a remarkable 6 week women’s group, complete with assessments, homework, feedback from a therapist, journaling assignments, and the weekly meetings — all free of charge.  I know and talk with many, many women through my work on this topic, and each of us agreed when we went through their flagship session that this was an amazingly healing experience.  I would highly recommend this to anyone dealing with this in their marriage, and what do you have to lose?

www.healingthroughchrist.org (A 12-step workbook)

An LDS based 12 Step group, with a free downloadable workbook. This workbook is AMAZING, and there are 12 step sponsors available for those who want to actively seek after their own healing.

www.hopeandhealinglds.com (Moderated Forum/Discussion Board)

Linked from this website you can find a private forum for LDS women affected by a loved one’s pornography addiction (wives, mothers, girlfriends).  It is an active online community that welcomes any woman going through this trial with open arms.  The moderator of this group has also spent countless hours gathering a nearly endless amount of resources sorted by category/topic.

http://ldsrhr.blogspot.com/ (Resource bank)

While not officially an LDS site, this website is a catalog of hundreds of resources for LDS men and women dealing with pornography addiction for themselves or in their marriage.  Articles, professional therapist posts, blog posts from wives and from addicts, Conference talks and more.

www.salifeline.org  (12-step Addiction Recovery for support person/spouse)

“Fighting pornography through education about addiction and support for recovery”

Under the “Help, a loved one” button on top there is an article called “The Effect of Pornography on the Spouse”.  I cannot recommend this enough.  SA Lifeline Foundation has also created a book called “Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction; A Resource for LDS Parents and Leaders” that is a great foundation for educating ourselves about this issue — you can download it for free from their website (or purchase it for $20 in the store, but personally, I’d get it free.)

www.rowboatandmarbles.org  (A Recovering Addict’s Information Blog)

“Essays of Hope About Recovery from Sex and Pornography Addiction from the LDS Perspective”

A recovering LDS sex/porn addict who has an amazing ability to explain and share this trial in a way that opens eyes and breeds understanding.  I suggest everyone read his free downloadable ebook.  (It’s also sold online at Deseret Book).  For more women and men that I can count, THIS was the resource that suddenly made everything click, that ‘ah-ha’ moment of, “OH, so that’s what this is!”
Download this SOON though, even just save it to your desktop for later use, because now that it’s in store, it won’t be available for free much longer.

http://www.bythelightofgrace.com/  (An LDS woman addict’s blog, with many resources.)

http://www.byutv.org/watch/b933fe5c-3201-4cca-a124-e4e6492a9122/real-families-real-answers-avoidingovercoming-pornography  A BYU/TV resource about pornography use and addiction.

The post WoPA Week Post: As Sisters, God Gave Us Each Other appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

See yesterday’s post for some resources for wives that are helping a lot of women find healing and hope.

I should note that with a recent opportunity that came my way (after years of trying to gather information and build community for wives of those struggling with sexual addiction), I have the unique opportunity to work with the woman whose story we are sharing today. Polly is the PR director at Women for Decency (a non-denominational organization focused on helping moms talk to their children about pornography, and also helping women who have been affected by the pornography/sexual addiction of another). 

Polly certainly never planned to be a “poster child” for the wives of pornography addicts. She did all she could, in fact, to avoid getting into a relationship with someone with an addiction. But as you will hear in the video linked below, unbeknownst to her, she did marry someone with an addiction.

And it’s ended up being her life’s passion (besides her family, of course) to help be a voice for women who suffer because of the sexual addiction of their spouse. As a humor writer/blogger, she also hopes to use that gift of humor to help women of all faiths (or no faith at all) feel more comfortable talking with their children, husbands, and others about sex and porn. Whether we know it or not, we all know someone who is personally affected by pornography. So she wants to help us all talk about it!

Even though she works for a non-denominational organization, she does also happen to be a Mormon (member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). She (and her husband) chose to share their story on a Mormon Channel interview that was published yesterday: Enduring Pornography (This interview is part of Mormon Channel’s “Enduring it Well” series, hence this particular title, methinks.)

You can read a little more at the Women for Decency blog about why she and her husband are choosing to be open about their experience.

When I found out about my husband’s addiction, I started talking about it openly because I couldn’t help myself. I was in so much pain, I just couldn’t keep it in.

That, and instead of assuming that I was the only woman who married an addict, I assumed that seven out of every ten women were going through the exact same thing. And when I opened my mouth, I found that I was right. Mostly.When I told our story, I heard hundreds of stories of women from all over the country. Sometimes they talked about their brother or their brother-in-law. Sometimes they talked about their daughter. Or their Grandpa….

My husband and I have decided that our life’s work is to share our story. So, if you’re interested and you can get past the solemn intro, here is my husband’s story, from his own lips, about how pornography affected him, how it affected our marriage and how we faced his addiction.

– – – – –

Editor’s postscript: You may not think you have a story to share related to pornography, but the reality is if you are a parent, pornography is already part of your life’s story (or needs to be) because your children need you to help them be ready to guard themselves from its effects. In truth, we all are affected in some way because pornography is all around us. You may have family members or friends struggling with this as well.

It can sometimes feel like the industry is winning, but in reality, education and conversation can have significant impact in reducing the impact of pornography in our lives and homes. With the right tools and support, people can also heal from its effects.

I wear a dual hat now as a website manager who continues to see a lot of search traffic on this topic, and now as an employee of the non-denominational non-profit mentioned above (Women for Decency). With both hats on, I encourage you to get educated about how pornography addiction works and what you can do to help protect your family (and/or heal) from its impact. 

The post WOPA Week (for Wives of Pornography Addicts) post: Another personal story appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Note: Her post concerns pornography in public libraries, something that is concerning a lot of people around the United States. You can read her blog for more information about what citizens can consider doing in their areas. 

We all may feel moved to “stand for something” in different ways. We hope Tiffani’s story might invite you to consider what you might be able to do — even in simple ways — to take a stand for good and virtuous principles.

For more information and resources about helping your children avoid the pitfalls of pornography, see this post (Tiffani helped contribute information for the post, sharing some of her research about resources for parents on the topic of pornography prevention education.) You can also see our growing library of resources on our Pinterest board, Teaching children about [healthy] sexuality and pornography prevention: 

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Something happened to me a few weeks ago, that got me thinking about the words “Stand for Something.” I knew I had heard these words before…then today it dawned on me, those words were in a book I had read years ago called, “Stand For Something: 10 Neglected Virtuous That Will Heal Our Hearts and Homes,”written by the prophet of my youth, President Gordon B. Hinckley former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He was a good and wise man of God, who inspired me to always honor virtue and to be honest and true to my family. He holds a special place in my heart. I shook his hand once at my Grandfather’s funeral and stood in front of him to sing with my family, my Grandfather’s favorite song, “I’ll Go Where You Want Me To Go”.
Years later, President Hinckley called my mother personally on the phone. She had been worrying about my sister, who had been serving a mission for the church, in Aruba. My mother shares her experience and personal testimony on her blog, Living Waters.

He will always hold a special place in my heart. His teachings are pertinent and timely for me and I have drawn strength from them with my given situation which I will share with you in this post.

“What we desperately need today on all fronts–in our homes and communities, in schoolrooms and boardrooms, and certainly throughout society at large–are leaders, men and women who are willing to stand for something. We need people who are honest; who are willing to stand up for decency, truth, integrity, morality, and law and order; who respond to their consciences even when it is unpopular to do so–perhaps especially when it is unpopular to do so.

“The problem with most of us is that we are afraid to stand up for what we believe, to be witnesses for what is true and right. We want to do the right thing, but we are troubled by fears. So we sit back, and the world drifts about us, and society increasingly adopts attitudes and standards of behavior that most of us do not approve of.” (p. 167 & 168)

“Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed for the Lord God is with thee wither soever thou goest (Joshua 1:9).”

On July 2nd, I was a witness to an incident of indecency at my local library. A man looking at Pornography and acting inappropriate while doing so. I had 3 of my children looking for books in the library at that time, and luckily they didn’t see anything, but the fact remains that they easily could’ve.

I decided I wasn’t going to stay quiet about it, so I took action and reported my story to the news to warn parents that the library is not a safe place and for the library to know that I wasn’t going to bring my children there until they changed their Internet Use Policy.

“For customers 17 and older, the District will provide a method to allow the library patron to disable the technology protection measures, without staff intervention, at the beginning of each Internet session.

I had never read this policy before. It was apparent to me that the library I have been taking my children to for 8 years now, was allowing anyone to look at Pornography, out in the open, freely visible to all who passed by, including children. I know the librarian was just doing her job and I am sure it must be a difficult one she faces often. I am not attacking her here, I am merely trying to share my viewpoint on the issue and make people aware that libraries all over this nation and most likely the world, are dealing with similar situations and the innocent children and teens that frequent these places are the ones who will suffer the most. If we don’t do something about it, the problem will grow and eventually the libraries will no longer be family friendly.

See articles on this website Safe Library Project scroll down, there are several libraries experiencing similar issues, and some children and teens have suffered damaging consequences. You’ll be shocked at what is happening!

I know certain special interest groups would disagree with what I am saying, because they believe it is their right to look at anything they want, whenever and wherever. According to the first amendment they do have that freedom, but I don’t believe that a library, especially one that our tax dollars fund, and one that is heavily involved in children and teen activities should allow its patrons to view pornography. It’s matter of decency and public safety. There are just some things that shouldn’t be allowed in a public place, for instance smoking is not allowed in most public places, because it’s a health hazard. Likewise, pornography is hazardous to our health, in fact like smoking, over time it’s self-destructive.

Yet, the special interest groups, such as the ALA and ACLU say otherwise, and are fighting for their 1st amendment rights to freely view whatever they want in a public place no matter if innocent children are exposed. Their argument, “Well, don’t look, sweetie. It’s none of your business. Avert your eyes.” (A Library That Would Rather Block Than Offend, New York Times, 1997)

Well, it is my business when my children are present and when their lives may possibly be endangered by the viewer or the very act of viewing it themselves. …

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint published a proclamation in 1995 called “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” I have this proclamation on a wall in my living room. I read it today and something stood out to me. The last paragraph states:

“We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

This proclamation is not written to just members of the LDS church, but a call to people everywhere in the world to protect the family….

Channing Pollock an American playwright, critic and writer of film scenarios once said,

If this were the case, we would live in a world of freedom, peace, fidelity, loyalty, trust, and pure love. It seems like a dream to me, but it isn’t if each of us individually makes it a reality. In order for a moral reformation to take place in our world, we all need to strive to seek a life of virtue. Upholding virtue must be a priority in our homes and families for this dream to be obtainable.

The Apostle Paul teaches us about virtue in Philippians 4:8,

“Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

Change can happen in each of us; it has in the past and will continue to do so in the future. As long as there are good, righteous, virtuous people who are willing to seek for the good in others and help them see that good, change can take place within hearts and goodness will prevail as a rippling effect from one generation to the next.

In President Hinckley’s book he spoke of what we can do to carry on the good within us,“Each of us represents the latest chapter in a long life of generations. Including in those generations are forebears, many who made terrible sacrifices for that which we have today. They have left us good names that have been safeguarded through the generations. The names we carry are treasured possessions to be kept unsullied, to be passed to the next generation without stain or embarrassment. We stand up with loyalty to those who have gone before us.

“We cannot be indifferent to the great cause of truth and right. We cannot afford to stand on the sidelines and watch the play between forces of good and evil. Wrote John the Revelator: “I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth” (Revelation 3:15-16).

“John’s imagery is vivid. It points to our critical duty to stand strong, even to become leaders in speaking up on behalf of those causes that make our civilization shine. Each of us can be a leader within our sphere of influence. The adversary of all truth would put into our hearts a reluctance to make an effort; we must cast that fear aside and be valiant in the cause of truth, fairness, and right…

“No nation can rise above the strength of its homes or the virtue of its people. The time has come for good people everywhere to demonstrate that they stand for something–something that is virtuous and clean and worthwhile. To that end, may we move forward with faith in the Almighty, and with a determination to live virtuous lives and return to our society the elements of goodness on which it was founded?” (Epilogue p.171, 172, & 178)

The post Standing for Something – one woman’s experience taking a stand against pornography appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Parents, please take a minute to read this article at CNN.com: The Demise of Guys: How video games and porn are ruining a generation. Research continues to show that the pleasure center in the brain is seriously affected by pornography and excessive video game use. While young women are not immune to the problems of what are sometimes called arousal addictions, pornography and video games are having a measurable affect on young men.

Psychologists Dr. Philip Zimbardo and Nikita Duncanshow report research hat the trap of pornography and video gaming is seriously affecting young men’s school performance, life skill development, and ability to build and maintain healthy relationships.

The excessive use of video games and online porn in pursuit of the next thing is creating a generation of risk-averse guys who are unable (and unwilling) to navigate the complexities and risks inherent to real-life relationships, school and employment.

Lest you think that only mild exposure or involvement with video games or pornography is not something to be overly concerned about, the authors report:

Less extreme cases of arousal addiction may go unnoticed or be diagnosed as an attention or mood disorder. But we are in a national, and perhaps global, Guy Disaster Mode that needs to be noticed and solutions advanced to fix a totally novel phenomenon, which will only increase in intensity and breadth without the concerted efforts of educators, gamemakers, parents, guys and gals.

We invite you to reflect as individuals, parents, grandparents, community members, church members…whatever your roles or responsibilities are, consider what you can do to help stem the tide of this growing problem. Hear more from Dr. Zimbardo in this TED Talk.

Image shared under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license. [block]0[/block]

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