Last month my husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. My parents watched our kids so we could have a weekend away. What a treat! We drove up the “lost coast” of California and spent two luxurious nights in a Bed and Breakfast near the sea. We went hiking on the surf-beaten bluffs of Mendocino, felt the sun beat down through the sky-scraping canopy of the redwood forest and ordered dessert after fancy meals. I was in heaven.

But it wasn’t the time we spent taking long walks on the beach that made me think, “I’m one lucky girl.” Nope, it was a singular conversation my husband and I had over soup, salad and bread sticks at the Olive Garden on the way to our destination that made our tenth anniversary trip one to remember.

Our travel conversation had been light, flirtatious and fun. We tried to talk about news and our interests instead of the kids and work. But even before our first basket of warm Olive Garden bread sticks appeared, I could tell my husband had an agenda for our dinner conversation.

“Do you remember when we went to tithing settlement and the Bishop asked us if we were having family prayer regularly?”

“Yes! Why couldn’t he have asked us about Family Home Evening or our callings or something else we’ve been doing really well?”

“Well, it’s not often that a Bishop has the chance to give a family advice on how best to improve their spirituality. We need to try harder to have morning and evening family prayer. I think that following his advice will make a big difference in our family in the long run.”

After making plans on how we could better implement family prayer my husband went through an inventory of the social, emotional and physical needs of each of our daughters and we made decisions together about how to meet the needs of each of our children. We also assessed my current health conditions and found ways to lighten my load.

We talked about how to save more money at home, and at the business, to assure that we were living within our means, paying our tithing and if possible, saving for our future.

My husband was particularly concerned for the safety of the girls and me. We talked about putting better Internet safeguards on our computers and decided that living without TV hadn’t been so tough. We discussed drop-off and pick-up procedures at school and how a tire on my van needed to be fixed.

This was one of many a great conversations we’ve had over the last ten years. But, I would have never known my husband to be such a leadership dynamo if I had continued on the initial path I took as a young newlywed. During the first year of our marriage we had power struggles over money, fights over decision making autonomy and gender role discrepancies. We were both working, I was making more money, and I looked to have a greater income potential. My husband resented the fact that I held money decisions over his head and forced an unbalance of power in our relationship. It took a lot of late night “discussions” and prayer for my heart to soften toward the principles taught in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Here is a paragraph from that inspired document that is particularly poignant to me now.

“Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to providethe necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”

Because I believe in modern day prophets and apostles, I was willing to try to implement these principles in my marriage before fully understanding them. At first glance, it felt counter-intuitive to let my husband preside when I was the natural leader in our family. But giving my husband the space to lead our family has improved my character, given him a huge boost of confidence, and has given me the space to focus on motherhood and my other talents. Through his loving example, my husband has shown me that leadership is more than just being organized and vocal. Service, patience and love are just as effective as check lists and budgeting spreadsheets when rearing a family. Together, we make a really balanced partnership.

I want to note that I feel that the final line of the paragraph I quoted above is of great import, “Disability, death or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” There are many situations where women share or are solely responsible for the roles of provider, presider or protector in their homes because their husbands are unable or unwilling to do so, or are absent for one reason or another. In my own family’s narrative my grandfather died in his 40’s leaving my grandma and her daughter (my mother) to fend for themselves. My grandmother felt overwhelmed and terrified in her new role as provider, presider and protector. But did she ever overcome! Financial dynamo, budgeting wizard, hard working, and computer savvy are just a few of the descriptions that come to mind when I think of Grandma.

In my own life, the opposite happened when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and my husband had to take on the roles of mother and father as I battled immobility and pain until we found a medication that helped ease my symptoms. From my own life and the life experiences of those around me, I have learned that ideals and reality sometimes have a large gap between them and can “necessitate individual adaptation.”  Prayers, friends and family helped make that gap more navigable for me.

I found that by following the prophetic counsel found in the Proclamation on the Family, even before gaining a testimony of it, yielded surprisingly pleasant results. My husband was willing and prepared to preside, provide and protect in our home. I liked not feeling responsible for EVERYTHING. Making the decision to change my ways prepared my heart for the time when my health would fail and I would need help from my husband more than ever. I hope that by continuing to strive to live by the precepts taught in the Proclamation, my husband and I will to grow together in love and respect and our union will continue to yield surprisingly pleasant results.

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One morning, a few months ago, I stood next to my husband, Dustin, in front of the mirror in our bathroom. I think we were both brushing our teeth. My thoughts for the previous several days had dwelt on men and women, their roles, their differences. You see, I had just read a book that was set in a different time when men had to be warriors. A time when they had to protect and defend their wives, families and country. Dustin and I were both bare shouldered because it was morning and we weren’t dressed yet. As we were standing next to each other in front of the mirror, I couldn’t help but observe the differences between him and me, a man and a woman. His shoulders are broad, well-muscled and strong. While I am a fairly strong woman, I relished the study of his shoulder versus mine. I looked so small next to him. So delicate. So… feminine.

A friend of ours recently passed away, leaving behind a wife and two small children. As we went to the viewing and hugged each of his family members who attended his body, his newly-widowed wife hugged me fiercely and, through her sobs, conveyed to me that this just isn’t fair! She didn’t want this! This wasn’t supposed to happen! They were supposed to grow old together! She isn’t supposed to be a widow at 28 years old! Her feelings of confusion, anger, heartache and sorrow washed over me. All I could do was sob and tell her, “I’m sorry.”

If tragedy were to strike my family as it did our friends’, I know I could take care of myself and that I could provide for my children if the need arose. I’ve always known that and I have confidence in myself and my capabilities. That being said, the events of the last few weeks made me realize that I cherish being taken care of. It is a joy, a privilege, and a blessing. I treasure that my husband’s main desire is to provide for his wife and his children. I honor the fact that he is a man who wants to be the breadwinner. I relish my role of being a feminine woman who knows she can take care of herself, but allows her husband the honor of doing it for her.

And, for me in my life, the complete awareness of my own capabilities coupled with the choice to be dependent on my husband, despite what I can do or be, is a choice I make willingly and gratefully.  A choice that has born the sweet fruit of joy and mutual respect between him and me, a husband and a wife.

Clancy grew up right in the middle of her family of seven… mom, dad, sister, brother, Clancy, sister, brother.  She is now the happily married mother of three and a half children ages 9, 7, 4 and a baby due in March.  Her interests include (but are not limited to) writing, singing, being with her family and playing Ultimate Frisbee.  Having been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints her whole life, she is currently enjoying the fulfillment of her calling as Ward Choir Director.

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This will only be available for a couple more weeks, so watch it while you can! It’s a great spiritual feast and also a wonderful exploration of some very important themes, including faith, womanhood, missionary work and preparation, modesty and chastity, equal partnership in marriage….

UPDATE: You can get part of Elizabeth Ricks’ talk as well as Barbara Thompson’s talk (both on the topic “Lay Hold Upon Every Good Gift”). Sister Thompson will have you laughing as she talks about her anti-gifts and then will inspire you as she turns to the scriptures, particularly Romans 12. The trick is to go to Thursday, May 15 on the Move Media player and slide the playback marker to about 53 minutes into the broadcast. It’s better than nothing, no?

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