Photo credit: MadGeographer, under Creative Commons license

Anyone who knows me would attest to the fact that my life is a mess. My schedule is a mess. My house is a mess. My health is a mess. My brain is often a mess. (For Christmas, my kids gave me a phone case that says, “My brain has too many tabs open.” Isn’t that awesome?) And yes, my computer is a mess, too.

There might be some mess that my children will remember as they reflect on their growing-up years, but I hope they will remember that, with very few exceptions, we did some sort of scriptures or spiritual thought and prayer together every day. I may be a mess in a lot of ways, but I take seriously the counsel to be “brilliant in the basics.”

Now that my children are teenagers and their lives and schedules are helter-skelter, family scripture study more often than not is one-on-one time with Mom. (I’m the night owl, so husband does morning shift and I do nights.)

And as they have gotten older, the dynamic of scripture study has organically shifted to me asking them to share, rather than me sharing something with them. It’s been simply amazing to hear their thoughts and to feel and see God working in their lives. God has worked in my life, through them.

This past week is an example. I had a very hard week with some difficult medical tests. My husband was out of town. I had some sort of problem with one of the tests, and ended up  in the ER with serious pain. In the middle of this, though, God provided help through kind friends at just the right time. And I felt peace even in the face of the anxiety that comes with experiences like this.

On Saturday, in my one-on-one time with my 17-year-old son, I said the usual, “Do you have something to share?” That day he had given a devotional thought at our ward youth conference, and he chose to share that with me. The thought was simple yet profound (and I paraphrase):

“We can’t endure to the end [which is a concept from the youth theme this year in 2 Nephi 31:20], without having an eternal perspective. It’s simply not possible.”

When I started reading the General Conference talks for this week, I had originally planned to write about N. Eldon Tanner’s talk on not judging. But my son’s share lingered in my mind and when I saw similar messages in the talks, I felt that should be the message to focus on this week in my post.

Both Marvin J. Ashton (“What is your destination?“) and Thomas S. Monson (“‘Finishers Wanted‘”) addressed this topic of endurance.

Then-Elder Monson said:

“From the very beginning to the present time, a fundamental question remains to be answered by each who runs the race of life. Shall I falter or shall I finish? On the answer await the blessings of joy and happiness here in mortality and eternal life in the world to come.”

Elder Ashton’s approach was a little different, speaking more to how Latter-day Saints might look wrongly at means as ends, and thus miss the mark.

“I am concerned that many of us are confused in our life’s travels with destinations, arrivals, stops, calls, stations, and assignments. It appears to me that some of us may be lost today because we think we have arrived….

“Have you arrived when you go to the temple? Is temple marriage your destination? …Oftentimes there are real dangers in our lives when we allow lofty ideals and goals, such as temple marriage, to become an end instead of a means. All of our priorities must be properly placed within the framework of eternity if we are to avoid the stagnations of arriving.

“I humbly bear witness to you today that an honorably completed mission, a celestial marriage, a valued testimony, a position of major responsibility in the Church are not destinations in the lives of true Latter-day Saints. They can be important aids in eternal progression. They will not save you and me in the kingdom of God.”

Elder Ashton’s words caused me to pause and reflect on lessons I feel God has been teaching me as of late. I realize that I’ve gotten stuck in thinking about arrivals or destinations in other ways. I use the words “outcomes” vs. “process.”

For example, when I started the week last week, all I wanted was for the tests to go well. This reflects how I have often thought during my years with health issues. For the first several years of this struggle, the focus of my faith was simply to get better. I became disheartened and confused when that outcome did not happen. I thought I must be doing something wrong because I hadn’t arrived at a place of good health. I had similar thoughts and struggles when I was single for many years longer than I thought I would be. Was my faith not strong enough? I could cite other examples. It’s so easy to want outcomes.

Only in recent years, even recent weeks and days, have I come to realize with more clarity what the prophets teach: that God’s purposes in my life are not to prevent all pain or struggle. His primary purpose is to allow me opportunities to come to know and trust Him in the mess, and to truly become changed through faith on Jesus Christ. Changed from a being who is driven by fear and willfulness to a child who is willing to learn from life’s lessons.

As Elder Oaks taught (sharing words from a loved one): “Our…faith is in Jesus Christ, and is not dependent on outcomes.”

I am coming to realize that it really is no small thing to endure well in faith. But there is nothing sweeter than to feel glimpses of heaven, and to have the knowledge through tender mercies and quiet whisperings of the Spirit’s that testify that God really is in charge and can be trusted. To remember and trust eternal truths we once knew before this life really is why we are here on earth.

I end where I began: with my messy life. I do not seek to give excuses for my weakness and shortcomings, and yet I am grateful that God is showing me that He really means it when He says through His servants that “our direction is more important than our speed” (Elder Larry Lawrence, “What Lack I Yet?“). I am grateful to know that God isn’t looking for perfection in my life, but He is hoping I will look to Him for strength to endure in faith. He’s not looking for me to arrive; He just wants me to come — to come to Christ. He isn’t keeping score of all the times I fall; He just wants me to keep on trying, keep on working, keep on walking.

As Elder Monson taught, “… the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. …” (Eccl. 9:11.) This echoes what President Uchtdorf taught just last October: “We don’t acquire eternal life in a sprint—this is a race of endurance.”

I believe my messy mortal self will never stop wanting linear outcomes, quick fixes, easy answers, and concrete arrivals. I’m grateful for reminders like I had this week through life’s stuff, through the inspired insight from my son, and through these 1972 talks (and 2015 talks) that enduring through faith in the Savior is what I really want.

The post Enduring in Faith appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

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It’s been a challenging month for me in many ways, and Thursday I had one of those nights when I just sort of gave up inside. (Ever have those kinds of days? Nights are the worst for me; I suffer from a serious sleep disorder and nights can be so difficult, so lonely.) Fortunately, I have people I know I can reach out to at such times, and fortunately, I know that I need to reach out at those times.

Friday, I woke up feeling a little better, but still in quite an emotional daze. I got some work done, got my hair cut, and ended up having a heart-to-heart with a dear friend.

At one point, I was waiting for her outside of a restaurant where music was playing. I was only sitting for enough time to hear pieces of two songs, but I knew God was speaking to me through them. I almost couldn’t believe it when I heard the following words:

“I won’t worry my life away”

from one song, and then

“Carry on”

from another.

I smiled and looked heavenward. (I love how He will use so many ways to reach out to me with His personal messages…even using pop songs in a short few minutes of time to hit two important messages home.)

Friday night, I had the thought to reach out to a friend who recently moved from our area, to see how they were doing in the transition time in their lives. Early the next morning, there was a message with a brief update.

And the message ended with these two words:

“Carry on!”

Yesterday was fast and testimony meeting. (Every first Sunday of the month, members of the Church fast and donate money that would have been used for meals (and often much more) as a fast offering to help those in need. In this monthly meeting, there no assigned speakers, just time for those who feel prompted to share testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel.)

I had a vague sense that perhaps I should stand and share some thoughts, but I didn’t know what to say. So I assumed I’d just be listening…

…Until I looked up at the front of the room where the hymn numbers are posted. My heart started to beat faster when I saw the hymn number for the closing song. Could it be?

I opened my hymnbook to confirm the hymn’s title:

“Carry On.”

As soon as the person who was speaking finished sharing, I stood and walked to the front of the congregation to share what had happened. I found out later in the meeting that this was the hymn chosen for the ward’s trek this week.

God’s grace and tender mercies are real. As Elder Bednar said in this talk (which for me was life-changing), often it’s the timing that lets us know when God is at work (credit payton). That talk gave me the confidence to just trust that when things seem like too much of a coincidence, they simply aren’t. When patterns like this show up, I pay attention.

I am so grateful to know that God pays attention to me and my little life. My life and my world matter to Him! He moves the world around for me, and He does the same for you, for all of us. He loves us each so much.

I know what it’s like to feel sometimes like the heavens are silent, to feel pushed beyond your limits, to wonder how you will find the strength to carry on. I  know what it feels like to wonder if prayers are heard when things don’t work out as you want or think they should.

My invitation from my own difficult days are to keep your eyes open for God’s tender mercies. They are there, even when we can’t see them.

And sometimes, He makes things really clear so they are hard to miss.

The post Carry On appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Counterparts

©1984 by Susan Noyes Anderson

Great Grandma walked across the plains,
her blue dress grey with travel stains.
She bore the hardship, for she knew
her faith in the Lord would see her through.
Her once pink hands were calloused now,
and she had said good-bye somehow
to husband dear and children lost,
praying the end would be worth the cost.

I walk the darkened city street,
my hurried footsteps keeping beat
with a trembling heart, but I swallow my fear,
reminding myself that the Lord is near.
I wear my travel stains deep inside,
where I battle iniquity’s rising tide,
praying husband and children will not be lost;
and that the end will be worth the cost.

We all must walk these earthly miles;
different times bring different trials.

The post Counterparts: Our Pioneer Heritage (Poetry) appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

I know this is the true Church of our Savior Jesus Christ and that we are led by a living prophet, Thomas S. Monson.

My story:

My life challenges started at a very early age. I was eight years old when I was first molested. He was a friend of the family and I had a child’s love for him. He broke my heart and severely injured my spirit. Unable to tell my parents, my trust of people around me was shaken. I became very insecure and frightened of life. When I reached my teens, my insecurities and lack of participation in school activities became evident and a concerned counselor started drawing me out and I felt comforted by his concern. But, once again my life was jolted when he betrayed my trust. One day he offered me a ride home. I accepted his kind gesture. I soon realized he had other intentions. We took a ride into the hills near our town and the unspeakable happened. Once again I was shaken to the core and afraid to go to my parents. I had no idea how to deal with any of this and so I pushed the thoughts and feelings deep inside. I didn’t have any close friends at school and my insecurities became overwhelming.

I started going to a neighborhood church and felt some comfort but still I had no answers to why bad things were always happening to me. I was convinced that bad things only happened to bad people ant that I was being punished. I met a boy who belonged to another church and we started dating. School became increasingly harder for me to deal with. When I was sixteen and my boyfriend nineteen I convinced my parents to allow me to get married. I was then dropped out of school.

A couple of years into my marriage my husband and I started having very heated arguments. We were both so young and immature. It became an abusive relationship with my husband using physical force. After our son was born, I decided that the best thing for both me and my son was to leave this marriage. I was more fearful for my son than for myself. Once again I was left with the thought and feeling that I was a bad person.

It was very hard being a single mom at the young age of nineteen. I started having severe migraine headaches that often made it hard for me to go to work, or be a mother. I started suffering with depression as well. I had long since stopped going to church, I couldn’t see the point. My friends changed and my lifestyle became one that I am now ashamed of. And soon drugs became an escape from all my worries. At least I thought so at the time.

Even though this was a time of spiraling out of control, I did meet a man who was stable and who had healthy life goals and was willing to be a father to my son, and so, we were married and a year later we had a daughter. I still suffered with migraines and depression. I was also still painfully insecure and that was a problem for my very outgoing, enthusiastic husband.

At some point all of these physical, mental and social challenges became too overwhelming. Prescription drugs and illegal drugs became a part of my life again. I was what you would call a “functioning addict.” My marriage of seventeen years ended and I really went into a tailspin. I became so frightened of life. I was completely convinced that my life had no worth.

Mid-October 2004 I tried to end my life. I was found unconscious, barely breathing and rushed to the hospital. I was put on a respirator. My two sisters, one in California, and the other in Utah, were contacted by my former husband who is a doctor. They have since told me they thought they were coming to bury me.

After five days I regained consciousness and was taken off the respirator. My two sisters were standing by my bedside. Both my sisters have been members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints since they were in their teens. One of my sisters reached over the safety bar on the bed and laid her hand on my arm and asked me if I would like a priesthood blessing. At the same time that she asked that question there was a whisper in my other ear. Jesus whispered, “Are you ready to do it my way?” I knew it was Him because of how specific those words were to me. I also knew it was Jesus because of the love, warmth and comfort that fell on me. I have never felt such love in all my life! Such pure love! I said yes to both questions. Any questions I had about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were answered in that moment.

It’s my testimony that Jesus lives and his Atonement will make everything right. Heavenly Father’s love has healed me. I do not suffer from depression, overwhelming insecurities, nor do I feel like I’m a bad person. As my faith grows and my knowledge of the gospel grows I realize that bad things happen to good people. We are here to be tested. Our lives are subjected sometimes to those who choose to use their agency in a negative manner. When those times befall us, He will comfort us.

Before I was baptized, I worried about forgiveness. I worried about whether Heavenly Father would forgive me if I couldn’t forgive those who had trespassed against me. Matthew 6:14-15, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” I talked to Elder Hansen (who was the missionary teaching me and who would be baptizing me) about my concerns and he suggested that I fast and pray. I also talked to the local Relief Society President. Sister Hunt loaned me her scriptures and showed me how to use the Topical Guide and the Bible Dictionary. I took her scriptures home, fasted, prayed and read scriptures that night and the next day. I can’t really say that I had any earth shaking revelations, but at some point, an indescribable peaceful feeling came upon me. I no longer had any ill feelings left and I was able to pray sincerely for those who had hurt me. I then felt like I could enter the baptismal waters and enter into those sacred covenants and start my journey of enduring to the end.

I know I’m not alone on this journey. I know that I can call on Heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ, to help me through any challenge and he will give me the strength to endure.

—

Editor’s note: This post originally appeared on this site on June 12, 2008.

The post When Bad Things Happen to Good People: One woman’s journey to overcome the effects of abuse and addiction appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

p.s. We know for each widely-publicized story, there are thousands of other stories that may not make headlines, but are also powerful and meaningful. But we need your help to find and share these stories! If you have links like these to share, please include them in the comments, or send us an email so we can share them in future Links We Like posts.

Paul Cardall shares his journey and faith as he records thoughts, feelings, and experiences while waiting for a heart transplant (which he recently received!) Hear an interview with Paul here — the end of the interview is what really caught our attention. He says: “I wouldn’t trade my life with somebody’s else’s…. I think it’s made me a better person…. I hope that what I go through can help inspire other people never to give up; no matter how hard life gets, there’s always a bright side on the other end of things and you may go thruogh some fog for a time, but the fog clears.”

Stephanie Nielson (aka NieNie) recently marked one year since the plane crash that took the life of the pilot, put her husband in the hospital, and left her in a coma in a burn unit for months, hovering between life and death. She writes of family, faith, and finding joy in simple things. Other recent posts we like include: “My Perfect Life,” “Moments” and “Critical Condition.”

Read a recent story (“Blessed by adversity….”) published about Gary Ceran, a man who keeps on keeping on, even after he has “lost three children to cancer. He’s lost twins to premature birth. He’s lost businesses to the economy. And that was before his wife Cheryl and children Ian and Julianna were killed when a drunken driver plowed into the family car on Christmas Eve in 2006.” [In fact, though it’s been nearly three years since the accident, you might want to first read the very powerful story that appeared shortly after this tragic accident: “Holding on: 3 cling to faith, each other.”]

Gary’s swift and heartfelt forgiveness was talked about much in the news during that time.  That spirit of forgiveness was also mentioned, along with other profound stories (including that of the Amish people who reached out in forgiveness when a milkman killed six children in their schoolhouse), in a talk by President James E. Faust given in a Mormon General Conference meeting in April 2007.

What people inspire *you* to keep on keeping on? Please share their stories! We don’t all have extreme trials like the ones above, but we all have trials to face, and we all need a boost now and again.

Do you have an experience you would like to share that helped you face your own challenges? Please feel free to email us at gmail, with the username ‘mormonwoman’

For more Links We Like, see here.

The post Links We Like: Facing Trials with Faith appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

-by Fiauna

Many people don’t believe that Mormons believe in the Bible. In my essay below, I share a story of a time when I found strength through a passage in the Bible. I hope this story will help other readers who are dealing with a situation similar to my own, as well as solidify that Mormons are true Christians, followers of Christ.

I view parenting with sacred awe and reverence. I believe that when we set out on the path of marriage that eventually leads to parenthood, we make a contract with our spouse, our community and our Heavenly Father that we will do all within our power to make a successful family unit. Circumstances come and go, but the contract remains the same.

Marriage came early in my life, a fact for which I am grateful. Parenthood took a few years of trying, but came on with full force once we got started. And we began to work with all our hearts and strength to nurture that little seedling that is our future–our family.

On the day I was told that our youngest daughter was moderately developmentally delayed–a diagnosis that later would be called autism–I felt that somehow I had violated that sacred contract. I felt I had failed to produce a successful family unit. I had given birth to a child with a disability. A child that would suck precious resources from society. I was quick to blame myself. Surely, I had done something wrong.

When our friends and family found out about the diagnosis, in their effort to offer support, many offered ideas of where we could place blame. Blame this medication; blame that vaccine; blame pollution; blame the doctor. I recall a night when I sat up all night, crying in anguish, wondering how I had allowed myself to blindly damage my child. I was sick to my core thinking if I had chosen this instead of that, or done this instead of that, then my daughter wouldn’t have seizures, wouldn’t be delayed, would have a normal future. I even worried that my husband would blame me for our daughter’s condition.

Not too long after that awful night of misery, I came across this scripture: John 9: 1-3:

And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

We are a blame-ridden society. So often we fail to look beyond our trials, and learn. No. We must instead find someone to blame–an outlet for our anger over being unfairly treated. I can not blame anyone for my daughter’s disability. I believe she came to my home this way for a reason. Maybe she’s here to humble me. Maybe she’s here so that God can work His miracles. Maybe humbling me is the miracle. The day of her diagnosis my heart was ripped from my chest, torn apart, and put back together in a more perfect form.

I’ve made a sacred contract to make this a successful family unit. My husband holds me tight at night and assures me that the contract is still binding–no matter what. I hold all four of our children tightly and promise them that I will give them the best home and future within my power. I have seen the changes that my daughter has brought to my home and can’t help but feel that the miracles have been at work all along.

For more First Person essays, please click here.

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Almost twelve years ago, my daughter became aware of how seriously Alzheimer’s disease had affected her grandmother’s memory and personality. My daughter, along with several other relatives, visited her in a care center where she was recovering from a serious fall. I was living abroad at the time, on a Church mission with my husband.

As I was recently doing some family history work, I found a letter I had written to my daughter at this time. Following are excerpts of the letter:

It certainly is terribly sad to see Grandmother suffer, and to realize that she will probably soon leave this mortal existence. But she is ready to go, and she seems to be trying her best to be brave and endure whatever she needs to right now.

Apparently when you all arrived at the care center, Grandmother said something like, “I’m old, I’m dumb, and I’m ugly.” When your uncle mentioned that she had said that, I cried. I thought about how difficult it must be to FEEL that way because you can’t take care of yourself, and you can’t think straight, make decisions, or remember things.

Her entire life has been one of cheerful, unselfish service to those around her. She always had a high energy level, and whether it was vacuuming, sewing or doing crafts, she was incredibly quick. It wasn’t until she was in her fifties that I noticed that I could work comfortably at her pace!

As age and infirmity began to slow her down, she came to terms with her situation, but continued to try her best to do things for others. These last few years she even struggled with her arthritis to keep making cards and [ribbon] roses for friends and family even though it was painful and time‑consuming. She always loved to cook and bake, and she has had to turn all the meal preparation over to Grandfather. She always took pains to be well groomed. Now she probably can’t even put on makeup by herself. She was a marvelous teacher and administrator, both in church callings and in the community. Now she realizes that she has to ask others to decide everything for her, and help her with the most basic every day tasks. She IS incredibly brave.

In missionary conferences this month, I have been talking about maintaining our enthusiasm and overcoming discouragement. Some of the scriptures I am using seem to me to apply to Grandmother, and I hope they will always apply to me, too:

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15).

“Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” (D&C 123:17)

“[A]l these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good” (D&C 122:7)

“[P]eace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high” (D&C 121:7‑8).

Truly her faith in Christ and her life of good works have given her the sure hope of a glorious resurrection.

I love her. I honor her. I pray that I may demonstrate that love and honor as I try to follow her example, even unto the end.

Although my mother recovered physically enough to return home, she became bedridden a few months later. My father installed a hospital bed in the living room, and lovingly cared for his eternal sweetheart until she passed away at the age of 91 in August 1999.

I will turn 69 shortly. As I see the effects of aging manifest themselves, I can’t help but wonder if my life will follow a path similar to that of my mother. Will I end up with a body unable to move from a bed on its own? Will my mind cloud over and fall prey to degenerating nerve connections? Will my spirit go dormant; or will it remain totally aware of being trapped in a mortal housing that is cut off from all meaningful communication with those around me?

No matter what the coming years may bring, my trust is in the Lord. I will continue to strive to make the best of whatever circumstances I may be in, and my goal is to truly internalize the wise advice of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin‘s mother, as he explained it in his General Conference talk, “Come What May, and Love It.”

I want all my loved ones to know that I say now to Our Father in Heaven, while in full possession of all my faculties, and with all my heart (just as I believe my mother did), “Thy will be done.”

For more First Person essays, please click here.

The post First Person: Saying “Thy Will Be Done” in Advance appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

(The full text of the talk can be found here.)

The post <i>Review, Reflect, and Return</i>: “Come What May and Love It” by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Five winters ago I visited Kit and Kevin in their 420 sq. ft. apartment. I was heavy with unborn Mary and in a full-blown knitting frenzy.

The nesting instincts of pregnancy flew straight to my fingers where I spent several months knitting up hats, cardigans and light-as-air baby sweaters. The repetitive movement soothed my queasy stomach and the intricate patterns fed my need for creativity in a time where everything else felt out of control(I’m not a good pregnant woman.) More obsession than hobby, my needles followed me to the doctor’s office, book group and I really, really wanted to knit in church.

Delivery cures me of the compulsion, leaving half finished projects strewn about the house and a sweet little bundle in my arms.

Observing my progress on a little red & white cardigan, Kit begged me to teach her the wonders of knitting. I hesitated. Kit was in her 6th year of infertility, and inspiring her to knit baby sweaters seemed a bit cruel. Besides, I’m a lefty and a klutz at teaching.

But Kit is patient and clever. Following my inept instructions she began to cast on and cast off, to knit and to purl. I left her with a skein of red yarn and a set of good metal needles.

Alone with her new hobby, Kit visited a fragrant huddled yarn store in France where she purchased THE MOST COMPLICATED knitting patterns in creation and a dozen skeins of yarn to create a baby outfit. No one told her that beginning knitters usually stick with scarves and hot pads, no one told her that multi-color projects and cables and fancy stitching were reserved for hobbyists with years of experience. She didn’t know that most people end up with one sleeve 4″ longer than the other and pants two sizes larger than the top.

She didn’t know it was impossibly hard.

Kit carried her projects to doctor’s appointments and failed in-vitro attempts and of course, dozens and dozens of Kevin’s basketball games. Within months, her skills surpassed life-long knitters.

And then, two years later, a baby came to Kit and Kevin’s arms. And with 17 months more– another. Ryn grew too fast and I never got to see her in THE outfit, but petite little Elle has been wearing it comfortably for months.

I asked Kit, “How did you make this, how did you even begin, when you’d had so many disappointments?

Kit laughed, “But I always knew we’d have a baby. Birth or adoption, boy or girl. I knew I’d be a mother; it was just a matter of time. I’d be silly if I didn’t prepare.”

And so, on New Year’s Day when goals paralyzed me and I saw only limitations and impossibilities and age creeping on; I thought of Kit and her knitting needles, of dreams stitched into reality.

See that blue bump in the center? That’s baby girl number 3.

The post <i>Portraits of Mormon Women:</i> knitting up hope appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Background on the poem:
My life has been full of doctor visits and health issues. I have had five open heart surgeries in the nineteen years that I’ve been alive. Just recently I got really sick with the flu — or so I thought. I found out later after a long hospital stay that it wasn’t a flu it was a clot. My heart was sick and it was making my body sicker and sicker. After I had my open heart surgery the found that I had a fungus on the valve they had replaced just two years ago. I have been on anti-fungals and blood thinner medicines since then and it has been a long road. I am still healing and it’s been three months. I am now losing my hair as a result of one of the medications. When I feel I can’t go on, I write about my experiences and put them into poems.

Broken

Broken is a word that has described me my whole life,
My heart,
My bones,
My body,
My life,
My relationships,
All broken,
All the Time!
Healing always healing,
What if I don’t want to heal anymore?
You can’t heal what has too many cracks in it.
I’m damaged goods,
My heart has been mended one too many times,
Only to be shattered into pieces once again,
I want to just stop,
I want to breathe again,
I want to cry,
I want to sob,
I want to scream,
I want to be carried,
My body broken from all the tears and wears of the world,
Her heart is shattered never to be repaired,
Her legs dangle as she is carried,
Carried away from the wreckage called her life,
Her arms are dangling,
Her eyes are streaming with tears,
Her face broken with scars of the past,
Her chest with a long scar of her heart,
A heart that has been repaired one too many times,
Her life is beyond salvaging as it lay far away.

In Doctrine and Covenants section 122 Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail and asks where the Lord is and how long they will have to suffer. In section 122 the Lord answers him and tells him that “all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” I feel I have been thrown a hard curve ball and it has taken me time to see that I have grown. At first I was scared and then I was mad and hurt and then I got sad. At times I felt all those emotions. I look back now and shudder; I wonder how I made it through but now I know that my parents and the Lord did care about me even when I didn’t think they did. I promise you the Lord knows what you’re going through. He may not take it away but that doesn’t mean that He doesn’t love you. I have learned that on this earth life we have to have experiences that allow us to grow. No matter how hard the challenge may be just take comfort in knowing that the Lord will give you nothing that you can’t handle. He knows you better than yourself. Stick with the Lord and He will help you in the most unexpected ways. I know how it feels to think you’ve been abandoned and no one knows how you feel but He does and He’s always there. Even though you don’t feel Him right away or notice what He is doing for you. I promise you if you look back and ponder the events that happened you WILL see His hand in your life and the lives of those around you. This I say in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

See also “Broken Things to Mend“, by Jeffrey R. Holland.

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