A combination of recent events have left me and my spirit wrestling with God. Or, better said, wrestling mightily with myself. I want to be a person of faith, but so often I find myself buckling under fears that threaten to crush the light out of my mind and heart.

A combination of thoughts collided tonight and I wanted to record some of them.

I’ve been thinking about the power of covenants and how really, when all is said and done, if my relationship with God is in line, everything else really can fall into place. I needn’t worry about what I might do or say in any situation. All I need to do is keep myself connected with God and HE will let me know what to do, what to say. I’m continuously amazed at how this truth reveals itself to me time and time again. So why should I fear?

Piggybacking off of that idea is a blog comment from a friend that I re-read tonite. It’s about women and the priesthood, so it may seem unrelated but hang with me here. I think her comment captures a powerful truth that I think extends beyond the Ordain Women issue. “It isn’t about having the priesthood ordination, it is about living up to what God asks us to do. I have found great power in yearning towards what God HAS called me to do. If he asked me to be ordained to the priesthood, I’d engage in that with the same fervency that I am trying to engage in the work He has called me to so far. I’ll do whatever He wants, just to be a part of His work. What exactly I do is mere unimportant details…when I’m truly being honest with myself.”

To generalize this principle of my friend, when I’m honest with myself, I often get into these wrestle matches when I’m either afraid of what might happen in the future or when I’m wallowing about what has already happened in the past. (Wallowing to me, by the way, is different from wanting to understand the past or heal from it. Self-pity is different from earnest seeking.)

Either way, through looking back in anger, envy, or self-pity or looking forward with anxiety, I’m missing out on the blessings of simply letting God be in charge of my life in the present. In contrast, when I “trust…my all to [His] tender care” (Hymns, #270), what do I find? His tender care! He is such a loving, amazing God. Why do I fear?

Isn’t the essence of being Christlike being submissive? My friend’s comment is so profound. There is power in being submissive to whatever it is that God has given us, allowed, or asked of us.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught:

“The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. The many other things we ‘give,’ … are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us. However, when you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him! It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!” (In Conference Report, Sept.–Oct. 1995, 30; or Ensign, Nov. 1995, 24.)

I’ve started the Book of Mormon over again and one of the patterns I’m noticing is how much Nephi talks about obeying God’s commandments. What is interesting to me is that the commandments to which he refers are usually not the Ten Commandments, general-purpose type of commandments; rather, they reflect personalized commandments to him and to his father, such as getting the plates from Laban, leaving home and comforts to enter the wilderness, returning to Jerusalem to find spouses (why didn’t the Lord just have them do that while they were living in the city?), building a ship, and creating a community that unfortunately had to separate from Laman and Lemuel.

In all of these things, Nephi went and did what the Lord commanded, and found that “the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them, that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them” (1 Nephi 3:7). (As a sidenote, Nephi reflects a similar sentiment in 1 Nephi 17. I was struck by his particular concern for the women and their journey in the wilderness, and how the Lord blessed them in that journey.)

Nephi wasn’t without his own wrestles with the Spirit. His psalm in 2 Nephi 4 reflects that, but always, always, Nephi’s home base is submission to God and a celebration of His mercy, love, and goodness.

I don’t need to fear the future. I don’t need to live in the past. All I need to do is seek my God, today, and seek to do His will. When I do that, I find that He really does prepare the way, in miraculous ways.

What helps you keep faith and trust God when fear or pain enter your life?

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Almost twelve years ago, my daughter became aware of how seriously Alzheimer’s disease had affected her grandmother’s memory and personality. My daughter, along with several other relatives, visited her in a care center where she was recovering from a serious fall. I was living abroad at the time, on a Church mission with my husband.

As I was recently doing some family history work, I found a letter I had written to my daughter at this time. Following are excerpts of the letter:

It certainly is terribly sad to see Grandmother suffer, and to realize that she will probably soon leave this mortal existence. But she is ready to go, and she seems to be trying her best to be brave and endure whatever she needs to right now.

Apparently when you all arrived at the care center, Grandmother said something like, “I’m old, I’m dumb, and I’m ugly.” When your uncle mentioned that she had said that, I cried. I thought about how difficult it must be to FEEL that way because you can’t take care of yourself, and you can’t think straight, make decisions, or remember things.

Her entire life has been one of cheerful, unselfish service to those around her. She always had a high energy level, and whether it was vacuuming, sewing or doing crafts, she was incredibly quick. It wasn’t until she was in her fifties that I noticed that I could work comfortably at her pace!

As age and infirmity began to slow her down, she came to terms with her situation, but continued to try her best to do things for others. These last few years she even struggled with her arthritis to keep making cards and [ribbon] roses for friends and family even though it was painful and time‑consuming. She always loved to cook and bake, and she has had to turn all the meal preparation over to Grandfather. She always took pains to be well groomed. Now she probably can’t even put on makeup by herself. She was a marvelous teacher and administrator, both in church callings and in the community. Now she realizes that she has to ask others to decide everything for her, and help her with the most basic every day tasks. She IS incredibly brave.

In missionary conferences this month, I have been talking about maintaining our enthusiasm and overcoming discouragement. Some of the scriptures I am using seem to me to apply to Grandmother, and I hope they will always apply to me, too:

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15).

“Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” (D&C 123:17)

“[A]l these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good” (D&C 122:7)

“[P]eace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high” (D&C 121:7‑8).

Truly her faith in Christ and her life of good works have given her the sure hope of a glorious resurrection.

I love her. I honor her. I pray that I may demonstrate that love and honor as I try to follow her example, even unto the end.

Although my mother recovered physically enough to return home, she became bedridden a few months later. My father installed a hospital bed in the living room, and lovingly cared for his eternal sweetheart until she passed away at the age of 91 in August 1999.

I will turn 69 shortly. As I see the effects of aging manifest themselves, I can’t help but wonder if my life will follow a path similar to that of my mother. Will I end up with a body unable to move from a bed on its own? Will my mind cloud over and fall prey to degenerating nerve connections? Will my spirit go dormant; or will it remain totally aware of being trapped in a mortal housing that is cut off from all meaningful communication with those around me?

No matter what the coming years may bring, my trust is in the Lord. I will continue to strive to make the best of whatever circumstances I may be in, and my goal is to truly internalize the wise advice of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin‘s mother, as he explained it in his General Conference talk, “Come What May, and Love It.”

I want all my loved ones to know that I say now to Our Father in Heaven, while in full possession of all my faculties, and with all my heart (just as I believe my mother did), “Thy will be done.”

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