Articles of Faith #13
[I] believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, [I] may say that [I] follow the admonition of Paul—[I] believe all things, [I] hope all things, [I] have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, [I] seek after these things.

I have had a hard time for the past few years. Life events have stretched my hope and strength nearly to the breaking point. This Article of Faith has been on my mind a lot during this time. In particular, I have been thinking of what virtue means to me.

To me, virtue is something that keeps you standing tall, even if you feel tattered, ragged and besmirched with mud thrown from misunderstanding hands. It is an inner loveliness that surmounts all other forms and measures of beauty. It incorporates integrity, faith, duty, dedication, the Spirit of God, seeking everything praiseworthy, and all the things mentioned in this Article of Faith.

More than anything, I think it is the power derived from all these things.

Several times in scripture, the word “virtue” is used almost interchangeably with “power.” When the woman touched Jesus’s hem, He perceived that the virtue had gone out of Him—that some sort of power had gone from Him to her, healing her. In The Book of Mormon, in the book of Alma, they “try the virtue of the word of God“—preaching had more power than any other source of power they knew to change the hearts of men.

In one final example, Joseph Smith, the prophet through whom the Church was restored, tries to teach us how God’s power, the priesthood, is channeled; it comes through virtue and living according to virtuous principles.

I believe these principles apply to accessing the power of God in our individual lives. There is no true power except that which is gained through integrity, faith, and pure charity.

I am slowly being taught by the Spirit that by doing my best to follow God’s will, to live true to my faith in Him and my covenants, despite my failings, I can have access to the Savior’s virtue, and thus become, through His grace, more virtuous in my life. I can become changed — purified, sanctified, and eventually exalted.

Interestingly, I feel the struggles and pain I have been experiencing are helping me understand the virtue and power of God more. I am grateful for that. I am seeking to draw upon that power for hope and strength to face my trials, and to become better.

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I’ve been thinking lately, I really think it’s fun to be me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s not always easy, exciting ,or flashy, but for me, it’s fun.

It struck me the other day as I was finishing up my cycling class. We were on our last “hill,” I was tired, sucking for air, and soaked. Suddenly I felt a rush of gratitude. Gratitude that I could feel that way. Gratitude that I had the ability to feel that way. I thought, someday I will not be able to do this, I will only be able to remember and talk about doing this…(probably to people that won’t really care that I did this.) So, I felt happy in my misery and it was fun.

I love to be a mom of seven children. It is so funny to me to think that seven people call me mom. I would have never guessed I would have had a large family. Never. But I am so happy about it. It doesn’t seem like that many really. They are all people I love to be with. I love them all. They are fun.

My kids play sports. They always have. To organize schedules and attend soccer and softball games is something I’ve done for 20 years now. I sit and enjoy the games. I am sad when I see parents who can’t just sit and enjoy. It’s fun to just sit and enjoy.

I have a husband that makes my life easy. He has always let me be me. Never has tried to change me. He is kind, easy going, fair, and always gives you the benefit of the doubt. He laughs at my goofiness. He works hard. He is helpful and just a plain good man. His love is consistent. Through poor (and a little less poor) marathon body to pregnant mega mom body, he has been my number one fan. Because I have him, and love him, it’s fun to be me.

It’s fun to be me because as a Mormon woman, I know who I am. I know why I’m here, what life is about. When you know that, it gives you perspective on everything else. It’s fun to have a sure measuring stick for life. It’s not fun to have to guess. It’s fun to know.

In a strange way it’s good to be me because I know I can be better. I am familiar with my weaknesses. They are not hard to figure out for me. They are obvious, and I claim them as my own. It’s good to be me because I know they don’t have to be permanent. It is fun to be me because I have faith and hope in my life because of the Savior.

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In today’s society we are supposed to be sorely afraid of aging. I mean SORELY, as in going through massive amounts of pain (and money) to look younger than we are. I think this is messed up. Age has it’s benefits. Not that I’m over the hill or anything, but I’ve got a few years on me. My husband and I will celebrate our 17th anniversary this summer. I am a mother to four children, the oldest being 14. There are qualities that come with those years I wouldn’t trade for anything. So I warn you in advance, I will be keeping my wrinkles to prove it.

Today I realized one of those qualities, gained from the passage of time – I no longer have an urge to prove my worth. Seriously. There have been times in my life I claimed this, not true then. I did hope to make it true though.

The number of hours and overburdened thoughts that went into proving my worth: inestimable. Everyone was a participant in my value contest: family members, friends, church leaders, casual acquaintances. I wanted everyone to like me; it felt necessary for them to like me and to think I was an amazing person. Now I know that to be happy = truly being myself. Which means I cannot be happy guessing what other people think I should do, so that they will think I am good.

It has taken me this many years to realize what Popeye told me all those years ago on Saturday morning cartoons, “I yam, what I yam!” (translation for you non-Popeye speakers: “I am what I am!”)

This is me (not the yam!). I’m a work in progress. I don’t claim perfection. I’m doing the best I can. I think you’re doing the best you can too – so let’s just get along. If you don’t want to get along, I’ll do what I can to find common ground because I like people.

Honestly, not feeling the need to prove myself may have come from more than just the sheer accumulation of years. My chronic health problems have pulled me down a peg or two and opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn’t fooling anyone. And if I was, I don’t have the energy or time to continue foolin’.

For example, yesterday when my niece exclaimed, “I can’t sit on that chair, it’s all sticky!”

I smiled and said, “Sorry sweetie, we have a lot of kids in this house, things get sticky.”

That was the moment I knew something had changed inside of me. Because the old me would have rushed over with a sponge, embarrassed, coming up with some story of having pancakes that morning or something. It is what it is. I do hope that people won’t put off visiting with us because they get stuck to the chairs!

Another factor in my calling it quits to the value game is my relationship with God. I’m no saint, I’ve got a lot of work to do (some days I wonder how He looks upon backward progress). But, I know He looks at a person’s desires, at their heart, in the grand scheme of things. He is the only judge that really matters. And honestly, I don’t feel much judgment coming from Him, mostly love and encouragement (sometimes by way of a kick in the pants).

Don’t get me wrong though. I still care about others’ feelings and their comfort in my home. I care that I am a friend. I just don’t base my value as a human being on it any longer.

So now that we’ve come to the end of this and you are sick of hearing about me, I will say:

You do know all of this applies to you, too. Keep your wrinkles, stop overthinking what others think, you’re a work in progress, find a way to be OK with God and let’s just enjoy sticking to each other’s kitchen chairs. Because in the end there’s no proving it, it is a known fact – you are worth something. A lot, in fact.

For more First Person essays, please click here.

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