Please go read this post: #YesAllWomen #YesAllParents.

“Every woman faces objectification, but it’s the job of every parent to teach our sons and daughters a better way.”

We can teach our daughters to be strong. We can teach our sons to be respectful of women. We can raise our children to say yes to being responsible people. We can say no to too much technology, television, and trash that can come into their lives in too many ways. [Are we living in a way that shows respect to both genders?]

Parents, say yes to doing what it takes to raise your kids to be strong and moral people.

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Editor’s note: Both because of the quantity of searches we’ve had over the years from wives struggling with their husband’s addictions and because of my new(ish) job in the porn prevention world, you will continue to see posts on this topic from me. I think we as parents need to be discussing this more, sharing ideas and experiences (both successes and failures) with each other. Remember when Sister Beck invited sisters to fight against the plague of pornography? If you haven’t heard it, it’s worth a listen. Here’s the snippet where she urges us to rise to the responsibility to protect our children. This plea has been repeated recently by Elder Cook as well. “Our primary emphasis, however, should always be to make any necessary sacrifices to protect our own family and the rising generation.²⁰ The vast majority of them are not yet in bondage to serious addictions or false ideologies. We must help inoculate them from a world that sounds a lot like the Jerusalem that Lehi and Jeremiah experienced.”

Protecting our children needs to be our “primary emphasis”! We can’t just protect through filters or technology solutions, or by waiting for petitions or government action to take place. We have to lead out and help protect our children by being educated and aware ourselves (and getting help if we struggle with addiction!). And we need to help them develop internal filters through spiritual health, emotional health, mental health, and social/relational health.

It was a combination of a fifth-Sunday lesson from our bishop and the emotion and passion in Sister Beck’s voice that spurred me as a mom to get more educated about pornography addiction. The Spirit was working on me with intensity. I will be honest; I also had the nagging desire to bury my head in the sand and pretend pornography addiction really wasn’t as big of a problem as my bishop made it sound. But I knew I couldn’t do that. I knew I had to be deliberate and get educated and make protecting and preparing my children against pornography and addiction a priority.

Now that I have spent years becoming more educated, I realize that I started way too late thinking about this. My children were still in pre-teens/pre-pre-teen mode at the time, but now I have learned that teaching children media literacy (thanks, Beauty Redefined!) needs to happen a lot younger and very deliberately. I have learned more about the brain science of pornography/sexual addiction how even young children’s brains can develop addictions. From that point on when the Spirit spurred me out of my slumber, I was open and deliberate with my children about my hope to help them grow up without addiction in their lives. (That means we talk about more than just pornography, but we do talk a lot about that specifically.) I will say, too, that that meant a lot more than just talking about sex. (I’d been open with them about sex from the time they were young.) What I have learned is that talking to them about sex is NOT the same thing as talking to them about pornography!

I recently shared some resources for talking with children about cell phone safety. I wanted to share some resources that I hope can be helpful for you to learn more about pornography and sexual addiction, and about pornography prevention, so that you can be informed and empowered as a parent or grandparent or teacher to know how to help children navigate our porn-saturated world

(If you have a child already struggling with addiction, there are places you can go for support. For example, Healing through Christ has a workbook for loved ones of those in addiction. They also have phone meetings (email me at mormonwoman a/ gmail d/ com for more info and I can forward information from them to you).  The Sons of Helaman community is made up of LDS moms who are supporting each other and sharing what is helping them through this challenge. The Hope and Healing Forum has women (mostly wives, but some moms) who understand what it is like to have a loved one in addiction. LDS Addiction therapists who can help you navigate this include people like Brannon Patrick, Jeffrey Ford, Geoff Steurer, Tyler Patrick, Dan Gray, Kathy Kinghorn, Dorothy Maryon, Roger Stark, Mark Chamberlain, Rory Reid, Matthew Buckley (specializes in helping youth…just heard about him and his book) and others. Fight the New Drug has a new program coming out for youth struggling with addiction as well, called Fortify. You can email me for more names.)

I already shared a few links above. There is a lot more great educational material at sites like Net Nanny, Candeo, Covenant Eyes, Porn Harms, Fight the New Drug (linked above), SA Lifeline, Porn Proof Kids, and more. (I don’t have time to include all the resources of which I’m aware, but that can be a good start.)

If you can get your hands on this journal, there is a review of research done in 2012: The Impact of Internet Pornography on Adolescents: A Review of the Research (from Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment & Prevention, in a special issue on Cybersex

Some good authors on the topic include Jill Manning, Mark Kastleman, Don Hilton, Mary Muller (you can preview some of her book about protecting innocents here), Steven Cramer. You can see more authors and books that have been listed at lds.org here.

I also highly recommend reading books and tapping into educational resources about shame. Brené Brown is a well-known researcher and speaker on this topic (warning, she has a bit of a foul mouth sometimes but the principles she teaches are brilliant). I also had the opportunity to read one of the books by a pastor named F. Remy Diederich, which helped me understand a lot about how I can help my children avoid being trapped in shame. And he kindly has offered to share them for free.

Stuck: How to Mend and Move on From Broken Relationships (ePub File: http://bit.ly/1a6bWCb; Kindle File: http://bit.ly/17hMDeO; PDF File: http://bit.ly/17hMOXz. 

Healing the Hurts of Your Past: A Guide to Overcoming the Pain of Shame: ePub File: http://bit.ly/19bDbhC; Kindle File: http://bit.ly/1cpjzK8; PDF File: http://bit.ly/17cG7H9

Have you ever heard of the LDS Tech forums? This is an underused resource where tech experts from the Church gather in “crowdsourcing” mode to help the Church work on technical projects and to help members get answers to questions about technology. There is a whole section in the forums just for Family Safety with Technology. Topics in this particular space include discussions not just related to concerns about pornography (e.g., filtering technology (and the very real limitations and downsides of filters, or at least relying solely on filters — with some VERY wise advice), thoughts about using Facebook, more), cybercrime issues, general internet addictions (remember, parents, kids don’t have to be addicted to pornography to have an addiction that can hurt them), video game addictions, and more.

You can also find more information about technology solutions, internet safety, and how to communicate with your children at places like Enough is Enough, McAfee’s family safety center, the FBI’s website, and Women for Decency (including Digital Safety How-tos and tips for talking to children).

Women for Decency (the organization I work for) also has created a couple of programs for White Ribbon Week (a program used in some schools). While these are designed for a school’s parent-teacher organization (PTA, PTO), the principles are valuable for anyone with a stewardship for children — especially for parents! See two booklets that are free for download: I Have the Power and Let’s Get Real.

You can find more resources for talking to your children at BYU’s Continuing Education website (I already did a search for you!). In those search results you can find a multitude of documents shared at a BYU Women’s Conference Sharing Station, for example, or a handout about addiction and recovery.  found a couple of BYU Women’s Conference links, for example. There have been some programs on BYU-TV about pornography as well.

For teaching children about sexuality, A Parent’s Guide is at the top of my list. Jill Manning shared some thoughts at a Time Out for Women a couple of years ago. You will see that she has recommended books by Brad Wilcox and Richard and Linda Eyre.  (I do want to say that I disagree with the Eyre’s about a recent article they published…my thoughts are more along the lines of this post in response to their article — about how emotional health (not just talking about healthy sexuality) is KEY to helping protect children from porn.)

As I said before, this is an incomplete resource list. If you have other resources you would like to share, please leave them in the comments below! 

The post Protecting Children Against Pornography: A Resource List appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Begin a discussion about cell phones by:

• Asking your [children] what they already know about cell phone safety. Get a baseline for what they have knowledge of, what they hear about or see at school.
• [In age-appropriate ways], ask them what their feelings and opinions are about cyber-bullying, harassment to send provocative photos  [sexting is more common than we might want to think; be sure to be educated about the facts (including the fact that it can put your child in legal jeopardy to participate in sexting) and get educated about apps like Snapchat, especially if you have a teenager], and being contacted by people they don’t know. Let your child tell you what they do when they perceive something is dangerous or bad. Once you have a feel for where they stand, remind them how much you care about them and want to make sure that they are safe from any potential problems.
• Explain how you feel about cell phones and what your family wants to use them for (staying connected as a family, for use in emergencies, family support, and using technology to encourage dialogue, not replace it).
• Negotiate with your children what is an acceptable amount of time and money spent on mobile phones. Let your child know you will be monitoring your cell phone bill for acceptable use. The goal is to establish healthy media habits.
• Time spent on mobile phones, while useful and fun, is time not spent focusing on other important activities, such as studying, working, and improving mental and physical health.
• Discuss with them about the apps kids choose to download in order to help them learn to choose wisely. The apps should not violate your family’s personal media standards. Tell them you will be checking ratings for music, games, or app purchases.
• Let them know that you have investigated several programs that keep dangerous people from contacting teens on the phone, indecent websites from being accessed, and help filter any harmful material or websites. [And have conversations about how any information shared through technology needs to be assumed to not be private.] [Help your child understand that] there are people, even friends, who could try to do damage to their reputations [or who may inadvertently cause harm by sharing information when they shouldn’t]. Let them know that the reason you have decided to install different safety controls on their phone, or monitor periodically their cell phone usage is to continue fulfilling your obligation as their parent to keep them safe.

If you are an LDS parent, I would also add that one way to discourage unhealthy use of technology is to remind your children of why God has given us technology in the first place. All the other content in this post is more secular/non-denominational in nature but I firmly believe that when children are raised to consecrate some of their tech time to truly worthy causes, it can help keep the purpose of technology in perspective. See, for example, Elder Bednar’s warnings (video and full talk) and also his invitation to youth.

Here are a few videos that explore how to talk about cell phone use with children; how to draw boundaries about cell phone use; and parental controls that are available on the iPhone. There is also a video that can help parents know some tips for talking about hard things (like finding pornography on a cell phone or computer).

(Jeff Ford’s Five Cs are also very helpful…also found on the same YouTube channel or on our Pinterest page.)

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What might you do to make this Christmas Eve unforgettable? To remember the Reason for the Season? To help children in your family experience the true Spirit of Christmas?

The post An Unforgettable Christmas Eve appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Parents, please take a minute to read this article at CNN.com: The Demise of Guys: How video games and porn are ruining a generation. Research continues to show that the pleasure center in the brain is seriously affected by pornography and excessive video game use. While young women are not immune to the problems of what are sometimes called arousal addictions, pornography and video games are having a measurable affect on young men.

Psychologists Dr. Philip Zimbardo and Nikita Duncanshow report research hat the trap of pornography and video gaming is seriously affecting young men’s school performance, life skill development, and ability to build and maintain healthy relationships.

The excessive use of video games and online porn in pursuit of the next thing is creating a generation of risk-averse guys who are unable (and unwilling) to navigate the complexities and risks inherent to real-life relationships, school and employment.

Lest you think that only mild exposure or involvement with video games or pornography is not something to be overly concerned about, the authors report:

Less extreme cases of arousal addiction may go unnoticed or be diagnosed as an attention or mood disorder. But we are in a national, and perhaps global, Guy Disaster Mode that needs to be noticed and solutions advanced to fix a totally novel phenomenon, which will only increase in intensity and breadth without the concerted efforts of educators, gamemakers, parents, guys and gals.

We invite you to reflect as individuals, parents, grandparents, community members, church members…whatever your roles or responsibilities are, consider what you can do to help stem the tide of this growing problem. Hear more from Dr. Zimbardo in this TED Talk.

Image shared under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license. [block]0[/block]

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In this episode, “Parenting in the Tech Age,” host Elisa Scharton talks with Richard and Linda Eyre and Craig and Ken and Katie Craig about helping children draw boundaries with technology, avoiding entitlement, being aware of how technology changes communication (and how sometimes it shouldn’t!), teaching children to find the good.

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Elder Hales’ talk reminds us that we can never underestimate the impact our consistent care and concern can have on the children and youth in our families and circles of influence. Our responsibility to the rising generation is truly part of our responsibility to God.

What do Mormons believe about family?
Do Mormons believe families can be together forever in heaven?
Why is family so important to Mormons?
Posts on Mormon Women that talk about family

Read more about Strengthening Families.

The post Mormon Messages: Parenting: Touching the Hearts of our Youth appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

My parents divorced when I was very young, but throughout my childhood I remained very close with my father. When I was young, high-school aged, we talked on the telephone almost every day. He lived in Canada and I in Utah, so the means in which we were able to nurture a close relationship was during our short summer visits and to share our lives via phone. I remember discussing with him experiences from my day, daily jibber-jabber that most teenagers are fascinated with and most certainly the kind of talk parents get easily bored with. Nonetheless, my dad was always interested and eager to hear about my life and also my feelings about life. He offered great counsel and validation for a young girl struggling to find her place in this world. He was a blessing to me in a huge way as he always made me feel important even though deep down, I didn’t.

On August 23rd 1993 my father passed away after struggling with a long series of illnesses. I missed him, I loved him and I needed him. Years later I ran across a cassette tape with old answering machine recordings on it. In those days the answering machines were not built into your phone like voice mail is today, they were external pieces of equipment that actually recorded the messages onto a cassette tape. So I popped the cassette into my tape deck (again, a piece of equipment from the past) and began listening. After a few minutes of listen to rather meaningless messages from friends and boyfriends I heard the expected in between messages ‘BEEP’ followed with heavy breathing and a pause… I knew it was my beloved father…. my heart paused in excitement to hear his voice again,  then… a loud gregarious belch and ‘HANGUP.’ I immediately began laughing as I knew exactly who that was. My father was a jokester, the best prankster known to man. He was always up for a laugh even at the expense of being ill mannered. That was my dad, my loving, caring, affectionate and larger than life dad.  I was brought back to that moment in time when that sweet phone belch use to make me feel so special. I stopped the tape and sat on my floor utterly enjoying the moment with tears in my eyes, absorbing the flood of feelings as I remembered the warmth and affection of my loving father.

WHAT I LEARNED from this experience is that sometimes it is the little, simple things that mean the most. Sometimes the way in which we show love and affection is passionate and sincere but other times a simple belch on the recorder will do the trick. Though my father was a passionate loving man and easily expressed his affection to me and others. He was also great at showing it in other ways as well. That phone belch will rest in my memory as a very simple yet effective way of my father expressing to me, in his own way that he was thinking about me, loved me and cared for me deeply.

One of my favorite quotes about parenting is from Alvin Prince that said “Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry.” That was my father, always filling others’ buckets.

Interestingly the lessons I learned from my father about loving others has made an abiding impression upon me about the importance of fathers (and mothers) and their expression of love towards their children.  In many ways as a mother I have been influenced by my late father who showed me in vibrant colors the importance of loving others and showing it. Sometimes it is by small and simple means (Alma 37:6) that we share affection to those we love and other times overflowing and consuming, the important thing is that we do it. I love my father and miss him greatly. I am so very grateful for the many lessons he taught me, especially for the lessons about relationships and paramount ways that I am worth loving, for he loved me abundantly and I knew it.

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I’ve been thinking a lot this week about a quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley from 1998 that was reprinted in the October 2009 Visiting Teaching Message:

“Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yous is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these, His little ones.”

Parenting is not easy, and I bet I’m not the only one who worries – not infrequently – if I doing a good enough job preparing my children for all facets of life.  There is so much to teach our children, so much involved in helping them grow and learn and mature.  This quote that reminded me that as much as I worry, our Heavenly Father has at least as much concern and love invested in my children as I do.

All the little things I worry about, I can take to God.  He worries about them perhaps more than I do, and not only that, he worries about ME, and how I react to parenting situations with my children.  If I’m trying to help my children build lasting and loving sibling relationships, I can take my concerns and questions to the Lord about how I should best go about that goal. Am I frustrated with anything relating to my family?  I can take it to the Lord.  Even something like being desperate to have a baby sleep through the night or a toddler finally toilet trained – if these are big deals to us as earthly parents, they are surely big deals to our Heavenly Father.  We don’t have to come up with the answers alone.

I feel like I pray more about my family and my children than any other matter, but reading over this quote again and again the past week makes me wonder if I’m taking everything to the Lord that I can be – and wondering about how our family could be improved if I did take more to the Lord.

I love reading and doing research, so when presented with a parenting challenge, I often turn to my girlfriends, books, and the internet for help.  But why don’t I spend more time about parenting matters on my knees, talking to He who is Father of me AND my children, who has more interest in, and love for, all of us than I can imagine?  Good chance I’ll still find solutions through research, past experience of girlfriends, or books – but I’m guessing I would spend a lot less time searching and likely find the ideal solution for each specific situation much more quickly.

When I was talking about this with a friend while visiting teaching, she brought up another great point that this quote brings up – when we are harsh with our children, we are being hard on HIS children.  Thinking about this makes me want to be incredibly more gentle towards the three wonderful children I’ve been given to love and raise, and wonder even more how God feels about the job I am doing parenting His children?  I’m thankful I know I can ask, and have a sure faith that He’ll tell me, love me, and help me improve.

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“I am a recovering addict,” “Ana” said in one of the first meetings we had as a new ward. She openly shared her struggles with drugs, and how much the Church’s addiction recovery program helped her.

If she was afraid of what we would think, she didn’t show it. I don’t think she was, though. She was comfortable enough in her own skin — comfortable in the reality that our struggles in mortality include weakness and even sin — that she wasn’t afraid to say “I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes.”

And we all respected her more because it wasn’t just that she was willing to share her struggles, but that she then testified so boldly, so powerfully, of how God helped her and changed her. The Spirit was strong and I felt uplifted, filled with hope that I could face my sins and weakness and shortcomings with faith and hope.

Another woman who comes to mind is “Emily” — a woman who taught lessons that taught me much about the scriptures. But she also just talked about her life and struggles with depression, and as an imperfect mother of a large family. “I only yelled once yesterday! I’m proud of myself!”

It’s not that I believe we should revel in our weakness and sin. But she wasn’t doing that. She was rejoicing in her progress, and acknowledging in her confession that the beauty of the gospel message is that because of the Savior, Jesus Christ, we can progress, change, grow.

And they reminded me that I don’t have to be perfect.

The truth is that we are all imperfect, and I am grateful for women like Ana and Emily who are willing to share their weakness and how the Lord helped them find strength. They remind me of what the Lord has said:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

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