~By a Mormon woman

At a very young age I was exposed to pornography. I don’t even remember specifically how old I was, but it was before puberty. My father had pornography in the bathroom closet. I found it as I looked for something else. It piqued my curiosity, so I looked. I remembered it was there and was curious, so I looked many more times. It was also available in my best friend’s home, so I looked at magazines there. As the years went by I developed an addiction to pornography, which led to other harmful behaviors.

I didn’t understand the seriousness or intricacies of what was going on, but I did know that I wanted to keep it secret. I was ashamed and felt dirty. When teachers at church would tell me how much God loved all his children I was sure they didn’t mean me because they didn’t know my secret. I could barely look at myself in the mirror, it seemed that there was something irreparably wrong with me. Keeping my secret became such a practiced behavior that by the time I reached a youth class where we were encouraged to talk to the bishop about sexual sin, I felt that it was something I could not do. Despite specific guidance from church leaders about the destructiveness of these things I rationalized my behaviors, convincing myself that what I was doing to myself wasn’t really a sexual sin, that pornography wasn’t against the major commandments, and I wasn’t hurting anyone.

How wrong I was.

There were good times in my life that I was able to keep these behaviors under control through sheer willpower. I thought I had finally conquered it all. But it always came back. Now I know that I missed an integral piece of change- true repentance. I needed God’s help and Christ’s atonement to fully overcome these serious sins, otherwise the habit and lure of sin was just too strong.

Eventually I was married to a wonderful man. I thought that this would be the end of my shameful secret. I hoped that my husband would fulfill my needs and I would be free. In reality, I now know, pornography and masturbation had changed my natural sexual responses. Being intimate with my husband was different than the sensations I had promoted through my sinful habits. It was awkward and brought out the guilt that I felt from my unresolved sins. Instead of being “one in the flesh” with my husband, I felt isolated and wrong. Still, I continued to keep my secret. I didn’t even open my heart to the person who loved me most in the world, my husband.

Approximately five years into our marriage I was diagnosed as severely clinically depressed. In my desperation to be rid of the darkness that was suffocating me, I admitted my sins to a therapist. I am so thankful that I had an LDS therapist who knew that these behaviors were harmful, instead of perpetuating a false belief that some mainstream therapists have that nothing is wrong with what God has deemed sinful.

After telling my therapist, I knew that I had to tell someone who could help me get rid of these destructive habits – I confessed to my bishop. I cried in his office for some time before I could finally get the words out of my mouth as I stared at the floor. As I continued to cry the tears of a desperate sinner, the bishop counseled me on how to repent. Part of the repentance process was opening up to my husband, which was extremely difficult. Once I told him, he, despite my fears, was wonderfully understanding and supportive. But even though he had great love for me, and would do all he could to help, it still was not enough.

The following scripture sustained me during this time:

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
Ether 12:27

It occurred to me that if I did all I could to be spiritually strong I would be better able to resist temptation and thus fully repent. I started reading my scriptures and praying more consistently — every day was my goal. I plead with God through fervent prayers to forgive me and to help me stop the behaviors. I worked on my relationship with my husband. I acknowledged my need to be loved physically as well as in other ways. My husband began watching my activities on the Internet (which had made my addiction all too easy to fulfill) and lovingly kept me on track. It took patience and love in our marriage, over years, to slowly gain a more healthy intimate life and for me to fully repent.

What I have learned from this horrible experience has strengthened me, but I still would not wish it on anyone. Which is why I share my story, although it’s difficult to do. Pornography will not enhance your sexual relations. Prophets have counseled us to avoid any behavior or anything that depicts the human body or sexual relations with the intent to arouse sexual feelings. This applies within a marital relationship and outside of it.

The counsel for those not married in For the Strength of Youth booklet says, “Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage.” For those who are married, we have received counsel such as the following: “Because it is ordained of God, the intimate physical expressions of married love are sacred. Yet all too commonly, these divine gifts are desecrated. If a couple allows lewd language or pornography to corrupt their intimacy, they offend their Creator while they degrade and diminish their own divine gifts. True happiness is predicated upon personal purity. (See Alma 41:10.)” – Elder Russell M. Nelson

Just as church leaders have counseled, and I tell you as one who has been stuck in that mire, these things deaden true and real expressions of love. They create barriers between loving people. They promote shame and lack of self-worth that enables Satan to rob people of their full potential.

God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, don’t want us to feel this way, which is why they have given us commandments so that we can avoid this kind of pain. And God loves us enough that he created a merciful plan through which we can be free of sin and some of it’s consequences if we do disobey – the atonement of Jesus Christ.

In my life, these sins contributed to a severe depression which could have ended my life. I urge you to do all you can to keep these destroying influences out of your life and out of the lives of those you love. It does harm others, it harmed me when my father kept it in our home. If there is a problem of this type in your life, or in the life of someone you love, there are wonderful resources available (see here also) that I wish I could have had the benefit of many years ago.

One thing I gained from this that I do wish everyone could have is healthy sexual relations within marriage. The Lord took my weakness and turned it into a strength as the scripture in Ether promised. In working with my husband in honesty to overcome my addiction, we developed communication about sexual issues. I know his love for me is unconditional, and the trust I feel in him is rock solid. He has been there for me, sacrificing his own needs, in my very darkest days. I will be forever grateful for that and I live to give the same support to him. To me honesty, love, unselfishness — these are the things that will promote greater satisfaction in marriage; not those base and immoral things that are falsely presented as intimacy and fulfillment, which are in fact imitations of true intimacy and love.

Marital intimacy between husband and wife, is one of the greatest gifts God has given us, especially considering that with it we are able to create life. While I am saddened that my entrance into this beautiful experience wasn’t better, I have a sure belief that it is a wonderful, joyful expression of human love between a man and a woman that God has given to us as a blessing.

As I reflect on this journey, I echo the words of a Book of Mormon prophet, Nephi:

“My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness…

“He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

“Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

“And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me…

“Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

“Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

“May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of they righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

“O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever…

“Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God.”
2 Nephi 4:20-24, 28, 30, 32, 34-35

Through my own experiences I know that redemption is possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. I participate fully in His Church- holding leadership positions, raising a righteous family, and teaching others the doctrines of salvation. My life is filled with the gospel, with the Holy Spirit, with happiness and joy. I have a beautiful and growing relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ and God, my Eternal Father. This type of recovery from serious sin would not be possible without God and his magnificent plan for our growth . Glory to God for the magnificent gift of his Son, through whom it is possible to be cleansed from sin and to someday return to live with God.

The post A Mormon woman’s journey to overcome pornography addiction appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

After delivering my third child, my doctor prescribed me Vicodin (an effective but addictive pain killer) to help ease the typical aches and pains associated with childbirth. The first three nights home I was in significant pain. The Vicodin prescription was helpful in alleviating pain, but I also noticed that it had the wonderful side effect of calming my nerves, making me feel all warm inside, and it helped me fall asleep easily. I needed sleep, and I was thankful to have medication nearby to ease the pain.

On the third night home from the hospital I woke up again, still in pain — but not as bad as the previous nights. What I really wanted was to sleep because my baby had already nursed and was sleeping soundly in a bassinet next to me. I decided to take a shower to calm my mind, but for some reason all I could think about was how my prescription for Vicoden would help me fall asleep. “I need sleep.” I reasoned in my mind. “Surely it wouldn’t be too bad to use a medication prescribed by my doctor to help me get some much needed rest.”

At that moment, an impression entered my mind. It came in the form of a warning. “Brenda, taking a medication for other than its prescribed use is a violation of the spirit of the Word of Wisdom [the Mormon health code] and could lead to an addiction.” I got out of the shower and decided to take ibuprofen for my pain instead of the Vicodin. I noticed that I did not receive the same warm feeling and nerve-calming effect from the ibuprofen that I did from Vicodin, but the ibuprofen relieved my pain enough to rest.

The next time I have a baby or any type of injury I will know to ask the doctors not to prescribe me Vicodin. I know now that I am susceptible to the drug’s addictive qualities.

Sometimes when I tell people this story, they see it as a sign of weakness that I was even tempted. I see it as a temptation overcome with the help of the Holy Ghost’s promptings. This experience helped me see how easily one could develop an addiction.

Do you or someone you know struggle with addictions? The Church has an Addiction Recovery Program that can help.

My friends, Carol and Brent N., are service missionaries who were called as Group Leaders in the Addiction Recovery Program in my area.

I asked Carol several questions so that I could learn more about the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program and how it relates to the 12-step programs I’ve heard about in the past (such as Alcoholics Anonymous). I supplied them questions via email that they were kind enough to answer.

1. What is your official title or Calling?

My husband and I have been asked to serve as service missionaries. We are Missionary Group Leaders for the Addiction Recovery Program in our area.

2. What is your definition of an addictive behavior?

My definition of an addiction would be any compulsive behavior that robs a person of control over his or her productive thought or ability to engage in the normal activities of life, could be considered an addiction. It is more than a bad habit. Some examples may be: excessive eating, gambling, video games, alcohol and drugs or pornography. Of course there are many others that exist, as well.

3. What is a typical meeting like?

Every meeting will open with a prayer and a reminder of the mission statement of the program which states in part, “We are a group of brothers and sisters who share our experiences, faith, and hope as we study and apply the principles of the gospel as they correlate with the 12 steps of recovery.” Then we read all 12 steps aloud. Each week, we focus on a different step. The material in the guidebook for that step is then read aloud. These readings set the foundation for the introduction of Sharing Time. Another group leader, a facilitator, conducts this portion of the meeting. A facilitator is someone who typically has successfully worked in the 12 Steps and overcome an addiction of their own. The facilitator will express his or her own feelings and experiences about working on the particular Step being discussed. Then each group member is given the opportunity to express their own feelings, while following specific guidelines, “Please focus your sharing on the solution rather than the problem. Refrain from mentioning graphic details about the practice of your addiction. Then each group member is given guidelines such as to avoid interrupting or commenting directly about another participant’s remarks. Also, it is perfectly acceptable to pass if you prefer to listen only.” The missionary group leaders will conclude the meeting with a brief thought and a closing prayer will be offered.

4. How do you assure confidentiality for those who choose to attend the meetings?

Confidentiality and anonymity foster honesty and make our group meeting a safe place to share. Therefore, all in attendance commit to the following, “whom you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.” In keeping with this principle of anonymity, participants are invited to introduce themselves by their first names only.

5. In what ways has the Gospel of Jesus Christ been integrated into the 12 Step Program offered in the Addiction Recovery Program instituted by our church?

The traditional Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Program has a wonderful reputation. With the permission of AA International, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has integrated the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ with that program. We draw upon the knowledge we have from the scriptures, both ancient and modern, that teach us of the love Heavenly Father has for all his children. So great is His love, he sent the Savior to atone for sin and error. We can daily draw upon the power of that atonement to overcome addictions and find hope for healing. The recovery program’s 12 steps teach us exactly how to do that. Often guilt and shame and a feeling of isolation accompany addictions. At group meetings, everyone finds acceptance and support.

6. Is the Addiction Recovery Program only for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- Day Saints? How can people find a program in their area?

Church sponsored recovery group meetings are open to church members as well as to our friends of other faiths. Group participants can also be those who are affected by another’s addiction. Participants under the age of 18 are accompanied by a parent or legal guardian. There are several resources for information about local meetings in your area. Members can check their local programs in the announcements sections, the bulletin boards, or speak with their Bishop. Anyone can access meeting times and places for their local area or download the entire guidebook.

7. Have you witnessed people making lasting changes in their lives through this program?

It is a wonderful thing to see the changes that can occur through “working” the Steps. This is not a theoretical program. It is very much a program of action. The fruits of those actions is a change of heart, not a superficial or temporary course correction. I have seen this result firsthand. I have seen someone who many would have written off as beyond saving, not only overcome their addiction but now live in joy and happiness, partaking of all the blessings our Father in Heaven can bestow in this life, and serving as a role model for others caught in, what they may see as a hopeless way of life. I have the privilege weekly to meet with the most humble of people and realize that is how change can occur. There is hope and healing through the Addiction Recovery Program.

To read more about overcoming addiction, or about dealing with the addiction of a loved one, see the following links:

[Added on August 12:] Here is a post that provides information about many different pornography addiction recovery resources.

Personal essays written by people affected by addictions (their own or those of people they love): Addiction, from Anonymous (discussion regarding online gaming addictions and other similar challenges); Purging Addiction (personal experience from a woman who overcame an eating disorder); LDS Addiction Recovery Program (personal experience overcoming addiction)

Resources on codependence

From lds.org:

[Added on August 12]: Combating Pornography

Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction

Healing One Step at a Time

Addiction Recovery

When a Loved One Deals with Addiction

The Road Back: Abandoning Pornography

From Addiction to Conversion (third story down on the page)

Lesson from a Milk Jug (story of a woman married to a man with a pornography/sex addiction and how she found strength from the Lord)

To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse

Talking to Youth About Pornography

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