My name is Behka and I have been happily married to my husband for almost 13 years. Yikes! That sounds like such a long time! I have 7 children, but 2 of my sons passed away as infants to a rare genetic disease. My husband and I are carriers of the disease, so we like to refer to ourselves as ‘genetic mutants.’ So we are raising 5 children ages: 12, 10, 8, 4, and 7 months. And still hoping for more!

I was born and raised LDS, so I was baptized when I was 8 years old. I am from Auburn, WA, just outside of Seattle. Right now I live in Utah. I am in the business of motherhood – and have been for 12 years now. I love it! It’s the only career I have ever wanted. It is so fun watching these sweet children grow up. I promise it does get easier as they get older! In church, I serve as the 2nd counselor in the Stake Young Women’s organization, and it has been by far my favorite calling yet.

I live close to other LDS people, and every Tuesday and Thursday mornings I get together at one of our church buildings with other women and we play basketball. Most of us there have played college ball, so it is very competitive and very fun. We all bring our kids that aren’t school aged yet and they play together while we play. I have also found that as my children get older, whatever they are doing becomes my current hobby – I can’t count the number of basketball, volleyball and soccer games I have watched, cheered at, and coached the past year. I will never get tired of watching my kids play. I also enjoy running, reading, hiking with my husband, and spending time with the family.

I have always known that God is real and that Jesus Christ is His son. I have had many experiences in my life that have strengthened this testimony. The most powerful experience I had was when my second son was dying. I think it is in the most difficult circumstances that Jesus Christ is able to come to us and strengthen us because we realize that we cannot cope on our own, and so He can show Himself to us in an undeniable way. I would like to share a journal entry about this experience. To preface this, we brought our son Josiah home from the hospital on hospice care when he was almost 5 weeks old. They told us he wouldn’t survive the 1-hour car ride home, but I didn’t think it was his time yet. We got to spend 10 extra precious days with him. It was wonderful, but it was still very hard. Here goes:

There is a certain amount of energy required to prepare yourself for the death of your child. It is the most humbling experience to pray to Heavenly Father and tell him it is ok to take back His precious one. You have to give everything you are to Heavenly Father, to align your will with His, because accepting the inevitable death of one so dear is against all natural instincts of a parent. We want to fight it, to do something to make it all better. The times we thought Josiah was going to die and didn’t, proved to be the most exhausting experiences of my life. Partly because of the anguish associated with death, partly because of the spiritual exercise of stripping myself of all pride and selfishness, partly because recognizing if now wasn’t the time, it would be soon enough, and the stress of carrying on in life while death is knocking at the door is excruciating.

The Tuesday night before Josiah died was the worst of all, but was also the turning point in my true acceptance of God’s will. As I lay in bed watching Josiah’s ribs exposed and listening to the crackle of his lungs each time he struggled for a breath, I couldn’t contain my tears. Why does one so innocent and pure need to suffer so? His frail lungs weren’t strong enough to fight off the pneumonia. He wasn’t going to get better this time. I knelt down and from the depths of sorrow and despair I cried to my Heavenly Father. I was painfully aware of my weakness and inadequacy. I didn’t feel equal to the task of watching by as my baby son suffered bitterly, fighting just for breath. I didn’t feel equal to the task of losing him, either. I painfully realized that the only way his suffering would end would be for him to be free from his body. Each realization and admission stripped off the layers of my natural man, one by one, exposing my bare, broken soul. I knelt in a crumpled heap of darkness. In this moment of desperation, I gave everything I could to Heavenly Father. I even gave up my favorite sin of omission and covenanted that it would be a strength from now on, pleading with Heavenly Father that He would comfort Josiah and stop his suffering, knowing what that meant. The despair of death was overwhelming. I closed my prayer. “I lay this burden at Thy feet and pray thy will be done. In life or in death, Thy will be done. I pray for strength to go on, either way.” I climbed back into bed and pulled my son close as sleep overcame my exhausted body.

As it always happens, even after the darkest of nights the sun rises every morning, bringing light and hope of a new day. I sincerely didn’t think Josiah would be with us when I woke up, but he was. Peace and confidence surrounded me. Death still loomed near, but it was no longer a blackness of despair. The stress, strain, and despair were gone. I had given my broken heart to Heavenly Father and the Atonement of Jesus Christ bound it up and gave me strength and courage to go on. ‘I can do this,’, I thought, “I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me.” I would care for Josiah until his life’s mission is complete and then I would cope with his death because I had the strength of Christ in me. I had looked death in the eye and no longer feared it; let it come when it may. For the first time since his first surgery, I was able to enjoy Josiah living without fear of him dying. Time is such a sweet and precious gift.

I am so thankful I was prepared for Josiah’s death. Through the process of aligning my will with God’s, my natural self felt peace and my spirit was able to recognize spiritual things. If I was still afraid of his death and holding on to Josiah’s life, I may have missed one of the most cherished experiences of my life as he passed away.

I know that Jesus Christ lives because every time my heart has been broken, through disappointment, despair, sin, or whatever, I have prayed to my Heavenly Father that my heart will be healed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and I have been healed. There is no power of man that can do this. It is only through the power of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

Through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I have learned that it is possible to be HAPPY amidst the difficulty of life. Being a Mormon Woman does not mean I enjoy a life of ease and simplicity. But I love my life, with all the adventure and demands of a family, and I am happy!
___
For more portraits of Mormon Women click here.

The post Portraits of Mormon Women: Behka appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

My father-in-law passed away recently. He and my mother-in-law lived together for 41 years (I guess you would call it common law). Here is the problem: My mother-in-law paid for the burial and he was cremated, but when she went to the funeral home to pick up his ashes, they would not release them to her. [Apparently they said the next-of-kin should receive them.] Now his adult daughter who had no relationship with him wants half of his ashes. My mother-in-law is heartbroken and does not want to separate his ashes.

What can we say to his daughter in a nice way to get her to understand how my mother-in-law feels and how she should have all his ashes?

Answer by: Brenda**

When I read your question in our inbox, I was dumbfounded. I had no idea how to answer. As time passed, a Bible story kept pushing itself forward to the front of my consciousness. I could feel your anxiety through your words, and it reminded me of the anxiety felt by the disciples of Jesus Christ at His death.

When even was come, there came a rich man of Arimathaea, named Joseph, who also himself was Jesus’ disciple; He went to Pilate, and begged the body of Jesus. Then Pilate commanded the body to be delivered. And when Joseph had taken the body, he wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, And laid it in his own tomb, which he had hewn out in the rock: and he rolled a great stone to the door of the sepulcher, and departed. (emphasis added) (Matthew 27:57)

And the women also, which came with him from Galilee, followed after, and beheld the sepulcher, and how his body was laid. And they returned, and prepared spices and ointments: and rested the Sabbath day according to the commandment. (Luke 23:55)

As I thought about these verses, I thought how natural it is for all of us to care how and where the bodies of our loved ones are laid. In their diligence and lack of fear of being associated with Jesus Christ, Joseph and the women of Galilee proved their love and devotion. Likewise your mother-in-law showed her love and devotion to a man she adored by paying for his funeral and cremation.

But in the Bible, Christ’s burial was far from the end of the story. In fact, it was a beginning.

Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulcher, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them. And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulcher. And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus. And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments; And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen. (Luke 24:1)

I have been taught the story of the resurrection of Jesus Christ since my infancy, and the significance of Jesus conquering death was not lost on me. I believe that through Jesus Christ all men and women will live again. Not only do our spirits live on after we pass from this world, but we will also regain our bodies as part of the resurrection that Jesus made possible. This belief has given me so much peace. I hope your mother-in-law also has this belief.

I am no expert on how to handle issues related to death. In fact, when my father-in-law died seven years ago, I proved to be an insufficient place of solace for my husband. I was seven months pregnant at the time, and I told my husband that it would be unwise for me to travel by plane or car to his father’s funeral, which was over 700 miles away. He accepted my decline, but in our hearts we knew I was trying to avoid a heightened and charged emotional experience with his family. I had the chance to mourn with those that mourn, to enlarge my soul in Christlike love, but instead I chose to stay away and stew in the misery and regret of an unwise choice. Looking back, I feel in that situation, I failed my husband, his family and myself miserably.

In the years since, I think I have improved as a person. I’m positive that if I could travel back in time and be the person I am now, I could have better aided my husband and his family in the grief process. Sometimes I wish I could do just that. From this experience, I now see death is an opportunity to exercise generosity of spirit toward the deceased and all associated. It is that experience that influences my response to you.

In your question, you indicated that your father-in-law’s daughter had no relationship to him, but still wants half of his ashes. I cannot give you a solution to what to do with your father-in-law’s ashes, but if you were my friend and we were talking face-to-face, I would encourage you to be more wise than I was, and make a choice that would leave no room for regrets.

Your father-in-law is not in the ashes. His spirit lives! As the angel said to the women of Galilee, “Why seek ye the living among the dead?” Your mother-in-law has 41 years of living memories. In my view, there may be room yet for her to show her love for her sweetheart, and God, by enlarging her soul to include a woman who has nothing left of her father but regrets that she didn’t seek him out while he was alive.

Please know that in saying that, I understand your mother-in-law’s desire to have the ashes close to her. We all want tangible, physical objects that remind us of our deceased loved ones.

I also understand that it may, at the core, feel grossly unfair to have the daughter lay claim to something this personal and significant when she was not involved in your father-in-law’s life. But here’s where I think about how the Savior’s grace works, and how He often invites us to give love and forgiveness even when it’s not necessarily deserved — not only for what it does for the person, but what it can do for us. I believe the healing power found in extending that kind of love is real.

In Mormon or LDS culture there is a beloved quote by Camilla Kimball, wife of former Church president Spencer W. Kimball, that says,

“Never suppress a generous thought.”

Just one last scripture:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27)

I hope you and your family obtain peace in this matter. There may yet be solutions that you have not considered in all of this. Pray for an answer and when you follow it, your peace will come.

And in all of this, know that I believe that your father-in-law lives on, and you and your mother-in-law can see him again one day. I hope you can find peace in that truth.

——-

**Please note: The answers in “Ask a Mormon Woman” and (other content on this site) reflect the thoughts and perspectives of the administrators at Mormon Women. Although we strive to have our content consistent with the Church’s doctrine and teachings, we do not speak officially for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For official information about or from the Church, please visit www.mormon.org or www.lds.org.

For more Ask a Mormon Woman questions/answers, please click here. To submit a question, simply leave a comment, or email us at gmail with the username ‘mormonwoman.’

The post Ask a Mormon Woman: Dealing with difficult decisions after the death of a loved one appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.