I have recently been investigating the church and am a 20 year old woman. I have always grown up in a household where women and men are equal and that both my parents held high paying jobs. I am currently getting my undergraduate degree and plan on getting my masters. I and am concerned about the role of the woman in the church. I know that women are “suppose” to be the family care givers and be centered on the family. However, I am not interested in having a family until later in life and would want to stay in a high paying full time field if I did start a family. My parents concern with me joining the church and that men hold higher power than women in the church. While I was able to dismiss this as “that is just the way it is” my parents have been asking me a lot of questions that have raised some concerns of my own.
1) Do men run the household because the have the Priesthood authority and have a higher role in the church?
2) How would I be percieved if I joined the church and did not plan on getting married later in life and if I did and had a family that I worked and was perhaps even the one who held the higher paying job?
3) Also do men take the fact that they hold higher roles in the church and apply that to their home lives with their families?
Thanks
-k.

k., thanks for your question. It’s actually not unlike a question we received last year from a woman named Jo. We’ve gathered some responses here to your question from several Mormon women, but I also wanted to point you to the post where several Mormon men and women responded to Jo as well.

Here’s Jo’s question so you have that as context:

I’m a female in my mid 20s and not a member of LDS but am looking into the idea of joining. What I’m trying to figure out is….I guess, would there be a point in my life outside the church? I’ve been a typical young woman shall we say, and do not want kids. Have a degree, a job, etc. I’ve read elsewhere these sorts of thing could mean that if I were to join, I’d basically end up alone for life. Not that I’d join looking for a husband, but if it came down to the only way I marry someday (which I do want to) is to marry a non member, that seems a bit silly to join in the first place. I understand this might make me sound like a horrible person, but I’m only now really pursuing the idea of being active in a religion for the first time in my life. … Any thoughts?

Following are some responses to your question, k. I’ve even included some of the back-and-forth of the conversation from a group of women whom I invited to help respond to your question…so you can see some of our interactions as well.

I should add the probably-obvious disclaimer that we are just some Church members sharing our thoughts – we don’t officially represent the Church. But we love the Church…and we also understand why your parents (and you) have the questions you do. I hope something that is said below can be helpful. Please feel to follow up if you have more questions.

(You can read some of my thoughts and a compilation of quotes in a post I did a while ago called Eternal Equality (look at the first comment if the post doesn’t show up…I’m not sure what is going on but the text wasn’t showing up for me so I reposted it in a comment.)

I’ll start with a thought. (I was going to send it via email but decided to do it here instead, so I’ve edited the post to add this.)

One of my dearest friends joined the Church at about your age, and she was a passionate feminist. And quite frankly, even though she knew joining the Church was the right thing to do, she was just plain mad about the different roles in the Church, and thought for sure that somehow the message of the Church was that God favored men simply because of their anatomy.

I wish you could meet her and hear her talk both about her honest, heartfelt, fist-shaking questions she would ask God, and about the answers that slowly distilled over the years. I believe (and I think she does, too) that her convictions and passionate testimony wouldn’t have meant nearly as much to her had she not had to seek God’s guidance and help as she sorted through hard questions she had.

And she’s taught me more about God than almost anyone.

My hope for you is that through this process, you’ll simply come to know God and His love and truth more in your life. None of us has all the answers, and you will find that there are some women in the Church still wrestle with the questions about gender roles and such. But ultimately, most women who choose to be Mormon simply choose it because we believe this is where God wants us to be. Because we believe the Church to be Christ’s restored church. Because the truth of the gospel has changed our lives. Because we’ve read the Book of Mormon and know it’s another testament, with the Bible, of our Savior.

Because God’s Spirit has guided and kept us here.

If He’s guiding you in this direction, trust Him. You won’t have all the answers (even to heartfelt and good questions), but you’ll know enough to take the first step. And then, one step at a time, He’ll be there for you, and help your faith in Him and His Son to grow. He’ll help guide you in your personal decisions, too, about life, career, marriage, family.

And keep asking questions in faith, because He will give answers, in His time and His way.

Bonnie writes:

These are completely valid questions. Here are my thoughts:

1.  There is nothing in family management that diminishes women. Even in division of “roles” – if families choose to pattern after traditional collaborations – each counsels with the other as equals.

2. A choice to join the LDS Church is a far-reaching choice, moving far beyond the cultural observations of our time and place. It’s a choice to accept great truths about God and how he deals with us. There will be many opportunities for someone joining the church to be perceived differently than others in society. God has always had peculiar people as his own. It’s the challenge of faith – to yield to our inner beliefs about a relationship with God in opposition to outer beliefs held by our culture. One of those choices is often regarding money. It is, after all, a temporal and transitory thing.

3. Welcome to the fold!

She also adds (in response to a thought that power in Mormon doctrine is a rather expansive topic that extends beyond gender-based assignments in the church): “I think this is what Alma was trying to teach the poor Zoramites who felt powerless: it is not about worldly power. Power is in faith, and it comes line upon line, every effort rewarded in baby steps until we find ourselves one day in the presence of God, comfortable there. If we can only desire … then let this work within us. It’s where we start – not with all the answers, but with the desire to try the solutions proposed.” [See Alma 32 in the Book of Mormon for this analogy of faith being like a seed, growing little by little as we give it place and nurture it in our hearts.]

– – — –

Liz says that “there are men (and women) in the church who limit themselves to stereotypes. They exist. It’s frustrating to run head-long into the wall of their limitation. The *gospel* calls all to be disciples, and I’ve yet to find gender differentiations within the actual roles of disciples. So: I’d suggest looking for a disciple-minded fellow when it’s time to marry. Match up two disciples, and you get an amazing marriage partnership without the artificial power struggles some would choose to layer in.”

(“Basically,” Liz adds, “Don’t marry a power-hungry jerk, or be one yourself. 🙂 )

– – – –

Hailey responds:

There are lots of different ways to be a Mormon woman. I know of an ObGyn, an opera star at the Met., a lawyer for the Justice Dept. in D.C. (my sister!), and one who runs a global humanitarian project. Read some of the profiles at Mormon Women Project, they will get the stereotypes out of your head.

[You can also see the breadth of Mormon women’s lives in the Mormon.org videos and profiles. We also have various portraits of Mormon women here at our site, including women who have careers. You might also want to read a couple of our Ask a Mormon Woman questions about the topic of whether all Mormon women are married stay-at-home moms (here’s another post about whether all Mormon women stay home after having children.]

– – – – –

Hailey adds: “And yeah, marry someone nice. I am amazed sometimes at the level of humility and selfless dedication of Mormon men. For the most part, they give huge amounts of time and energy into this church, not to gain more power or leverage over someone else, but simply as servants of Christ. Men and women are of equal importance in this church. They have different roles, but they work together in their homes as equal partners. It looks peculiar from the outside. And it’s true that your ideas about money and status will change as you grow spiritually.”

– – –

Rebecca adds her thoughts:

#1. I do believe men are the head of the household partially due to the priesthood. The priesthood is the power to act in God’s name. What better thing to have at the head of your home. We need the power of God to help our families survive in such a difficult time. But that does not mean he controls everything. The husband and wife should and in most cases do work together to come to decisions. Working together as one, because after marriage, that is what a couple is. They are one.

#2. There will be those who perceive the choice to get married and have children later on in life as wrong, but that is because they think that because the Lord told them to have a family earlier in life that that is what the Lord wants of everyone. But if you look around, you will see many women in the church who choose many different life styles. That is because we know that we are to be our own person and that we each have a plan for us that does not fit into one mold. So don’t worry about perceptions, just worry about what the Lord wants for you.

#3. There are men all over the world who think themselves better then other and especially women. If you marry a good man, who respects you, he will not take anything and put it above you to make you feel less. A man who has the priesthood or a high calling in church has nothing to hold above a women’s head. The man and the women are one and should act accordingly. Most men in the church realize, that the women have just as much given to them, it is just not as obvious as what the men have.

– – – –
Kaylie shares her thoughts:

Motherhood is very highly emphasized in the Church, and some church leaders have interpreted this to mean that mothers should stay home with their children. But in the last several years, there has been more of an emphasis on mothers making their own decisions and praying about what’s best for their themselves and their families, so while motherhood still matters, most LDS women I know combine motherhood and employment in a huge variety of different ways. [Editor’s note: Kaylie actually runs a non-profit website to open up dialogue and share resources and ideas for LDS women who are mulling over ways to balance career and family. FWIW. You may also be interested in keeping tabs on the BYU Women in Business Conference.]

Yes, the Church is mostly run by the priesthood. By that I mean that callings such as bishop, president, apostle, etc. are exclusively male. If you’ve grown up with men and women having egalitarian roles, this might be an adjustment for you. To be honest, sometimes it’s still an adjustment for me.

But there are other things that keep me going, such as doctrines I’ll never find anywhere else and convictions that I believe came from the Holy Spirit. I think it’s OK if you feel like you’re different than other LDS women.

I know of some LDS men who think their priesthood means they can rule their wives with an iron fist, but as far as I know, they are rare. The official teachings of the LDS church do not support any kind of spousal abuse or control. In my mind, men like that would use just about any kind of excuse to abuse their wives, and the priesthood happens to be the most convenient one, even though the church teaches the exact opposite.

In short, the role of personal revelation (asking your own questions and getting your own answers) is really important. And if people judge you for not being married or for not having kids or making more than your husband, they’ve forgotten that you are entitled to make your own decisions and receive your own answers to prayers. But I’m hoping they won’t judge you. Many LDS women are highly educated and work. You certainly won’t be alone.

– – – – –

Hailey shares this quote from Elder L. Tom Perry, one of the current members of the Church’s Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “There is not a president and vice president in a family. We have co-presidents working together eternally for the good of their family . . . They are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward.”

– – – –

Jamie quotes Matthew 23:11 which says, “But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.”

She then adds:
“I have always felt that the role of men to preside in their homes is a call to serve their wives and children. The role of women is to serve their husbands and children. I believe that the idea of men presiding in the church is an opportunity for men to learn to be more like Christ. I believe motherhood is an opportunity for women to be more like Christ. I have long believed that the organization of the church helps men to become more serving and selfless. It seems like women are more naturally this way perhaps due to their more biologically intrinsic role of motherhood.

“I agree wholeheartedly with the idea that personal revelation is paramount in discovering God’s plan for your life. If you will be humble and follow the promptings you receive, you will be led to do what is right. It may or may not end up looking like the stereotypical Mormon family. It may not look the same as the plan you had for your own life. 🙂 Heavenly Father will use your talents to do good in the world, he will strengthen your weaknesses. You will be the most happy that you can possibly be if you follow his personal plan for you.

“The more I learn about the world, and about the individual people who live in it, the less I want to judge any of them. I don’t want to have that responsibility. I don’t want them to judge me either. I don’t want to be categorized or stereotyped, I want to be known for my own self and loved despite my human flaws. I think most people want the same thing. That being said, forgiveness is learned at church, both in concept and practice. I do not believe that I am the only Mormon who has experienced a need to be forgiven and a need to forgive my fellow members. 😉 ”

– – – –

Heather also recommends the Mormon Women Project and Mormon.org, and says this as well: “I think the key to understanding roles is realizing that the FAMILY is the most important [unit] of the gospel. [Church leaders teach that the Church is the scaffolding with which we build eternal families. Christ is at the center of our faith, but families are at the center of God’s plan.]  When we think about the family being the center of everything we do then it changes our priorities and how we view our relationships as men and women.”

– – – – –

Marsha says:

“How would I be perceived if I joined the church and did not plan on getting married later in life and if I did and had a family that I worked and was perhaps even the one who held the higher paying job? [Consider Sheri Dew, who] is strong, the CEO of the church’s most recognizable corporation [Deseret Book, a for-profit book company] and never married at all, and I don’t know a single general authority or person (doesn’t mean there aren’t any, but I’ve never met them) who isn’t amazed at her talents, her intelligence, her humility and her love. As long as said heart was turned towards the Lord, really, what difference does it make? A strong woman will have a strong faith in herself, her choices and her reasons for making those choices.

“Do men take the fact that they hold higher roles in the church and apply that to their home lives with their families? – What is “higher”? Do they serve more? No. Do they have more decisions to make? Maybe. Do they make them without their wives, Relief Society Presidents input? Usually not. It has been my experience that the perceived ‘higher’ the calling, the more humble the man. (Not always of course, but far more often than the opposite).”

– – – –

Emily says:

Here’s an additional take on having a career/family & when. Perhaps it may become a new attitude versus the old one of waiting? (i.e. maybe some of us are waiting because everyone else is and it seems like the thing to do, but perhaps it’s more advantageous to have families when you’re younger?): http://empoweringldswomen.blogspot.com/2012/07/life-timing-balance.html.

“In response to this article, Penelope Trunk, blogger and career advisor, wrote an article of her own entitled, “Get Pregnant at 25 if You Want a High-powered Career.” It basically suggests that women should do the childbearing thing while they’re young, acquiring key skills along the way, then really bust onto the career scene in their 40s. At that time, you still have at least 25 solid working years ahead of you when you can build a serious career, if that’s what you want.”

Emily adds:

Also from the Proclamation on the Family: “fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” and “HUSBAND AND WIFE [emphasis hers ;)] have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children.” “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” Sounds pretty equal to me.

Emily concludes: I think when you begin to understand the doctrine, you *want* to get married and have a family. You don’t want to hold off because you see that family is more important than the career. Your desires change. On a side note though, if you make more money, and you want to be working, and it works for your family, great. If people judge you, they shouldn’t; don’t mind them.

And, #1 & #3 – Personally, I don’t think men run the household — especially if they’re home less of the time. The priesthood really has nothing to do with it in day to day stuff; however, most women really appreciate it when their husbands take charge getting the family gathered for prayer and scriptures and family home evening, etc.

If my husband thought he was better than me for “holding a higher” role in the church, I would laugh. I don’t think the men of the church want to be better than their spouse (maybe jerky ones do?). I think my husband would have a problem with it if someone told him he was better than me. Actually, there are very few roles he could do in the church that I can’t. But some with a division are: he could be a counselor to the bishop, and I couldn’t. I could be in the Primary, Relief Society, or Young Women’s organization presidencies, and he can’t. So, there are things that each of us can and cannot do, and I don’ think it transfers over into the home.

– – – – –

Liz responds to Emily’s last point:

I may not be called as an official first or second counselor to the Bishop, but as a member of an auxiliary presidency, I, ovary-bearing human that I am, become part of the Bishop’s council, and have quite a lot of input and value. And, men might be in positions where they are “led” by women–male Primary teachers, committee members, etc. When the individuals working together understand the nature of discipleship, a lot of the petty power-games fall away. (It happens at home, too… when we divide up adult life needs according to who can best handle them right then, there’s no “Mom work” versus “Dad work”–it’s just *family* work.)

Both blog posts you shared, Emily, are AWESOME. I do not regret devoting my 20s to starting our family (and to some, babies at 21 seems radical). I’m headed for my 40s in a few years… the sense of self I have now, as opposed to then? WILDLY different. As my children launch into the world, I’ll be launching into new seasons, too. I’m loving life right now; I’ll love that season as well.

The post Q&A: The roles of men and women in Mormonism appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Janet, a Mormon woman, shares thoughts on how we can grow spiritually as we focus on the daily responsibilities and important relationships in our lives

~by Janet

“Our busy lives force us to focus on things we do day to day. But the development of our character comes only as we focus on who we really are.” (Elder Russell M. Nelson). As women in today’s world, this insightful quote from a recent posting here on Mormon Women requires reflection relative to our complicated roles as daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and grandmothers. Our demanding lives can leave us exhausted unless we determine to not be consumed in the chaos. Out of necessity we learn as we go to simplify and to streamline.

But what of the character development Elder Nelson speaks of? Where is the time to “Be still and know that I am God?” Where is the time to meditate on the things that matter most? I submit the answer lies in “having the eyes to see” the small seemingly insignificant things we do each day.

I recall a particular morning 27 years ago as a stay-at-home-mom of two little boys. My husband and older children had hurried off to work and school leaving a cluttered home behind as my teething 8-month-old Kendal fussed in my arms. My usual techniques to soothe him were not working. My 26-month-old son, Bridger, seemed to sense my anxious mood and grew demanding, tugging at me to mend a toy or to play with him. As a family, we were planning a Thanksgiving trip the next morning and I had many “things” to accomplish on my list.

The morning wore on and I grew increasingly frustrated. Finally, in a desperate attempt to accomplish ONE thing on my list, I knelt and pleaded simply “Heavenly Father, please, please, help me with my list!” Immediately I heard His still and penetrating voice, “The most important thing you have to do today isn’t on your list; love and care for your little ones!”

Humbled, I turned my full attention to my babies. I sat in the rocker with little Kendal, and held him to me, weeping. It seemed as though the earth stood still as quiet revelation flowed. I had been entrusted with life from God’s realm! And nothing I could be doing at this time–even on this day–was of greater value to my Heavenly Father than loving and caring for HIS precious little ones. And so I sat rocking my baby in reverent awe, gazing upon him with new “eyes”, and understanding more fully this miraculous gift of life that God himself had entrusted me with. As I rocked, I spoke to him softly and once again tried to feed him. This time he accepted, and within minutes was asleep in my arms. I gently placed him in his crib, and then turned to Bridger, asking him to choose some books he’d like Mommy to read to him. He laughed happily and sped away to retrieve them. We snuggled together on his bed reading his little picture books and soon he too was asleep. I was astonished for Bridger hadn’t taken a morning nap in months! And as left his little bed, a surge of energy enveloped me and I scurried through the home, picking up and cleaning and even packing before my babies awoke.

I know a loving Father awaits us and is anxious to bless us in our eternal roles as women if we remember Him. And that the development of our character can be found in serving Him through our eternal family roles.

The post “Who We Really Are” appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

Last month my husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. My parents watched our kids so we could have a weekend away. What a treat! We drove up the “lost coast” of California and spent two luxurious nights in a Bed and Breakfast near the sea. We went hiking on the surf-beaten bluffs of Mendocino, felt the sun beat down through the sky-scraping canopy of the redwood forest and ordered dessert after fancy meals. I was in heaven.

But it wasn’t the time we spent taking long walks on the beach that made me think, “I’m one lucky girl.” Nope, it was a singular conversation my husband and I had over soup, salad and bread sticks at the Olive Garden on the way to our destination that made our tenth anniversary trip one to remember.

Our travel conversation had been light, flirtatious and fun. We tried to talk about news and our interests instead of the kids and work. But even before our first basket of warm Olive Garden bread sticks appeared, I could tell my husband had an agenda for our dinner conversation.

“Do you remember when we went to tithing settlement and the Bishop asked us if we were having family prayer regularly?”

“Yes! Why couldn’t he have asked us about Family Home Evening or our callings or something else we’ve been doing really well?”

“Well, it’s not often that a Bishop has the chance to give a family advice on how best to improve their spirituality. We need to try harder to have morning and evening family prayer. I think that following his advice will make a big difference in our family in the long run.”

After making plans on how we could better implement family prayer my husband went through an inventory of the social, emotional and physical needs of each of our daughters and we made decisions together about how to meet the needs of each of our children. We also assessed my current health conditions and found ways to lighten my load.

We talked about how to save more money at home, and at the business, to assure that we were living within our means, paying our tithing and if possible, saving for our future.

My husband was particularly concerned for the safety of the girls and me. We talked about putting better Internet safeguards on our computers and decided that living without TV hadn’t been so tough. We discussed drop-off and pick-up procedures at school and how a tire on my van needed to be fixed.

This was one of many a great conversations we’ve had over the last ten years. But, I would have never known my husband to be such a leadership dynamo if I had continued on the initial path I took as a young newlywed. During the first year of our marriage we had power struggles over money, fights over decision making autonomy and gender role discrepancies. We were both working, I was making more money, and I looked to have a greater income potential. My husband resented the fact that I held money decisions over his head and forced an unbalance of power in our relationship. It took a lot of late night “discussions” and prayer for my heart to soften toward the principles taught in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Here is a paragraph from that inspired document that is particularly poignant to me now.

“Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to providethe necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”

Because I believe in modern day prophets and apostles, I was willing to try to implement these principles in my marriage before fully understanding them. At first glance, it felt counter-intuitive to let my husband preside when I was the natural leader in our family. But giving my husband the space to lead our family has improved my character, given him a huge boost of confidence, and has given me the space to focus on motherhood and my other talents. Through his loving example, my husband has shown me that leadership is more than just being organized and vocal. Service, patience and love are just as effective as check lists and budgeting spreadsheets when rearing a family. Together, we make a really balanced partnership.

I want to note that I feel that the final line of the paragraph I quoted above is of great import, “Disability, death or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” There are many situations where women share or are solely responsible for the roles of provider, presider or protector in their homes because their husbands are unable or unwilling to do so, or are absent for one reason or another. In my own family’s narrative my grandfather died in his 40’s leaving my grandma and her daughter (my mother) to fend for themselves. My grandmother felt overwhelmed and terrified in her new role as provider, presider and protector. But did she ever overcome! Financial dynamo, budgeting wizard, hard working, and computer savvy are just a few of the descriptions that come to mind when I think of Grandma.

In my own life, the opposite happened when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and my husband had to take on the roles of mother and father as I battled immobility and pain until we found a medication that helped ease my symptoms. From my own life and the life experiences of those around me, I have learned that ideals and reality sometimes have a large gap between them and can “necessitate individual adaptation.”  Prayers, friends and family helped make that gap more navigable for me.

I found that by following the prophetic counsel found in the Proclamation on the Family, even before gaining a testimony of it, yielded surprisingly pleasant results. My husband was willing and prepared to preside, provide and protect in our home. I liked not feeling responsible for EVERYTHING. Making the decision to change my ways prepared my heart for the time when my health would fail and I would need help from my husband more than ever. I hope that by continuing to strive to live by the precepts taught in the Proclamation, my husband and I will to grow together in love and respect and our union will continue to yield surprisingly pleasant results.

The post To Preside, Provide and Protect appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

One morning, a few months ago, I stood next to my husband, Dustin, in front of the mirror in our bathroom. I think we were both brushing our teeth. My thoughts for the previous several days had dwelt on men and women, their roles, their differences. You see, I had just read a book that was set in a different time when men had to be warriors. A time when they had to protect and defend their wives, families and country. Dustin and I were both bare shouldered because it was morning and we weren’t dressed yet. As we were standing next to each other in front of the mirror, I couldn’t help but observe the differences between him and me, a man and a woman. His shoulders are broad, well-muscled and strong. While I am a fairly strong woman, I relished the study of his shoulder versus mine. I looked so small next to him. So delicate. So… feminine.

A friend of ours recently passed away, leaving behind a wife and two small children. As we went to the viewing and hugged each of his family members who attended his body, his newly-widowed wife hugged me fiercely and, through her sobs, conveyed to me that this just isn’t fair! She didn’t want this! This wasn’t supposed to happen! They were supposed to grow old together! She isn’t supposed to be a widow at 28 years old! Her feelings of confusion, anger, heartache and sorrow washed over me. All I could do was sob and tell her, “I’m sorry.”

If tragedy were to strike my family as it did our friends’, I know I could take care of myself and that I could provide for my children if the need arose. I’ve always known that and I have confidence in myself and my capabilities. That being said, the events of the last few weeks made me realize that I cherish being taken care of. It is a joy, a privilege, and a blessing. I treasure that my husband’s main desire is to provide for his wife and his children. I honor the fact that he is a man who wants to be the breadwinner. I relish my role of being a feminine woman who knows she can take care of herself, but allows her husband the honor of doing it for her.

And, for me in my life, the complete awareness of my own capabilities coupled with the choice to be dependent on my husband, despite what I can do or be, is a choice I make willingly and gratefully.  A choice that has born the sweet fruit of joy and mutual respect between him and me, a husband and a wife.

Clancy grew up right in the middle of her family of seven… mom, dad, sister, brother, Clancy, sister, brother.  She is now the happily married mother of three and a half children ages 9, 7, 4 and a baby due in March.  Her interests include (but are not limited to) writing, singing, being with her family and playing Ultimate Frisbee.  Having been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints her whole life, she is currently enjoying the fulfillment of her calling as Ward Choir Director.

The post First Person: Shoulder to Shoulder appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

You can find nearly three hundred talks from past Education Week events (in various formats, including audio, video, and some transcripts) here at byutv.org.

See some summary stories from this week’s gathering linked below:

Valuing Gender Differences — Read some great thoughts from Carrie Wrigley on the importance of understanding and appreciating the differences between men and women.

How are we saved?— Ted M. Bair discussed different beliefs about grace and salvation, including the Mormon view of grace and works.

Another presentation on grace was given by Eric D. Huntsman.

“Discovering great truths and people from around the world” — While the previous two presentations addressed some of the ways the LDS faith may differ from some other religions, S. Michael Wilcox shared thoughts on similar threads of truth found in various religions, and how we can benefit from learning from others’ beliefs.

Psychologist Dr. Rick D. Hawks spoke about the challenge of addiction, addressing three stages of addiction and the importance of getting past just the stage of abstinence. “”We can get your body off [addictive substances] in two or three days. That’s easy….But [that alone isn’t a cure], because the spirit and mind become addicted, too.”

Nephi, Mary, and Sacred Tree Symbols: Daniel C. Peterson, a professor of Islamic studies and Arabic, discussed the ancient diety figure Asherah, as it relates to the symbolism of the tree of life as found in the Book of Mormon.

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Sue is one of those people for me.

I’ve been a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (a “Mormon“) all of my life. I have been surrounded by strong, diligent people who have shared their convictions of the reality of God as a loving Father, and of a Savior who has power to heal hearts and change lives. I have heard people talk about the power of prayer. I myself am no stranger to the power of prayer and the reality of God. I have felt God’s Spirit penetrate my heart on more occasions than I can recount. I cannot express the gratitude I have for the faith I have, and for people who have helped strengthen that faith in word, deed, and quiet example.

But Sue has helped bring truth to my life in ways unlike anyone else. I’ve never felt quite the way I do when she talks about talking with – and getting answers from – God, when she testifies of His character and His love.

Perhaps it is because of where she’s been, what’s she’s been through. I don’t even know all of the details, but I know she has experienced a lot of pain in her life. When she joined the Mormon Church as an adult, she came with a lot of questions — questions that women who identify themselves as feminists might ask as they learn about (or participate in) our Church. “Why are men the ones who hold the priesthood? Why do men hold many of the leadership positions in the LDS Church?” She wondered and worried. Did God not care about, or trust, women as much as He did men? Did He think women were second-class citizens?

Even with these questions that troubled her, she continued on, diligently holding to this faith she had embraced. She had a conviction that she needed to be a member of the Church. She had spent years searching for something to fill her deep needs for meaning and purpose in life, and this Church provided many answers for her.

Still, these questions raged like fire in her mind and heart.

But rather than let them fester, she turned to God in earnestness.

Sue has shared glimpses of some of the conversations she had with God in prayer. Her pleas were raw, full of the pain and emotion that seared her soul. She held nothing back.

And God answered.

The answers didn’t come all at once. They didn’t necessarily come as she expected them to (and they weren’t always what she was expecting!). But they came.

An image of Sue that is burned into my memory is of a time she spoke (as she often does) with passionate wonder and intense gratitude. She had just related one of these tender, powerful moments when Heavenly Father distilled truth into her mind and heart, piercing the darkness she had felt. As she shared with me, she threw herself against her chair, arms and head flung back, as though she had been blown over by a strong gust of wind. She exclaimed: “How can we not have faith in such a Being as this?”

The absolute confidence she has in God is remarkable. She will often describe God as a “phenomenal Man” — perfect in His character, perfect in His love, perfect in His knowledge of us and our lives. And oh-so-desirous to free us from misperceptions and misunderstandings – distortions that keep us from understanding Him and His truths.

A part of me wishes that I could package her answers somehow for women who also have questions about how to manage that mental, emotional, and spiritual space where Mormonism and feminism may seem to irreconcilably collide.

But in the end, I realize that no human answers will be sufficient for the deepest questions and struggles that come with this journey called mortality.

My struggles are different from Sue’s, but the power of her example and conviction has left an indelible mark on my soul. Her experiences with God have strengthened my confidence in the process of prayer, and have increased my desire to seek — and find — Him.

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

~by Michelle

You can read more First Person essays here.

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The post Our Thoughts on Gender Roles appeared first on Women in The Church of Jesus Christ.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose….

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.

More on this topic can be found by reading the material in the links below.
2008 Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting

Sheri Dew: It is Not Good for Man or Woman to be Alone

M. Russell Ballard: Women of Righteousness

Boyd K. Packer: For Time and for All Eternity

A Parent’s Guide, Chapter 4

M. Russell Ballard: The Sacred Responsibility of Parenthood

The Sacred Role of Mothers

The Sacred Role of Fathers

Spencer W. Kimball: The Lord’s Plan for Men and Women

David A. Bednar: Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan

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I’m also deeply passionate about the roles of women as repeatedly addressed by men we sustain to be prophets of God, as outlined in the Proclamation on the family. While some women don’t have the chance to fulfill all of these roles in this life, we believe that for those who do, there is simply nothing more important than being a good wife and mother. No other pursuits should be more important to us than this. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a place for education in a woman’s life.

And, of course, there is great variation in how life unfolds for each of us. (I thought I would be married before age 21. I wasn’t. I ended up serving a mission, getting a graduate degree, and building a career before I married and had children.) There is no one-size-fits-all answer on the “how” or “when” of all of this.

But we know the “what”s. And yet, I have talked to many who are either personally conflicted or confused about it all, or who have looked at the Church’s counsel to be a wife and mother (home with children whenever possible) and to get all the education you can somehow incompatible.  I have also seen those who want to suggest that somehow now things are drastically different than before somehow, because President Hinckley has talked about education and making contributions to society. I do not believe things are so different, nor that these concepts are incompatible. I will try below to share some of my thoughts and beliefs in more detail.

1. Education is a means, not an end. If we make educational and career goals our primary focus, it is very possible that we will miss the mark. Education is a facilitator. If we are educated, we can better serve the Lord, our families, our communities. We will be more prepared for whatever life may throw at us. Education can help us in our roles. We will be more likely to sort through all the many sorts of information out there with more discernment, and be able to make wiser decisions (in theory, anyway, right?).  We will be able to teach others (particularly our children) the importance of education, and do so by word and example. And yes, we can find personal joy and fulfillment, but that should not be the primary focus. Even our own fulfillment and success should be about glorifying Him and being closer to Him and following His plan (all of it!). It’s too easy to fall into traps of ego and success, and I think it’s possible the single most difficult challenge with being educated and capable of success – to keep priorities in place. (Were this not so, we wouldn’t hear so much about the importances of priorities. Think Elder Oaks, for example.)

Which leads to point #2.

2. Education should be attained with wisdom and order. I don’t mean this only in terms of time and energy, but also in terms of focus and priorities. Education is an important priority, but it’s not THE most important priority. (I’m not advocating foolish choices, and each person (couple) will have to decide what wisdom and order means. But I still think that we need to keep education in proper perspective, and, again, remember it’s a means, not an end.)

For those of us who are women, I liked what Sister Beck said in her Conference talk. “[A]ll the education women attain will avail them nothing if they do not have the skill to make a home that creates a climate for spiritual growth.” She makes it clear what should be most important in our lives. Elder Oaks does, too — faith and family are our first priorities.

This counsel is not new. We are reminded time and time again, both by ancient and latter-day prophets that we need to put the kingdom of God first, and put trust in Him before trust in the arm of flesh.

To me, this also applies to how we approach the acquisition of knowledge. As we gain knowledge, we need to keep it all in perspective and make sure that we learn through the lens of the gospel, not try to change the gospel to fit with worldly philosophies. (Often, truths we learn ‘in the world’ and in the gospel proper are not incompatible. But sometimes they are. When they are, I believe we should put the gospel first and let those things that seem not to fit either sit on the back burner, or fall off the stove completely.)

And, yes, wisdom and order also means being wise about time and energy. Sometimes life situations mean that we won’t be able to get it all done, right now. That’s okay. The Lord can guide and open doors. Sometimes this is all a process. I saw a sister have four children in six years and take a class at a time and graduate with two degrees at the age of 27. Other women go back to school when children get into school, or later. Again, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to getting an education. I think the key is keeping that goal present, remembering the counsel to ‘get all we can’ (which will be different for all of us) and seeking the Lord’s guidance on how and when to fulfill that goal.

I think that kind of variation and flexibility and sometimes more-spread-out-than-we-would-like-it-to-be process will tend to be more true for women than for men. I am one who believes that in a marriage, a man’s career and education should take priority in almost all cases, simply because I believe there is divine purpose in the roles we have been given. I know there will be exceptions to this, but I am not a fan of making the exception the rule on this point. Flame me if you will, but I feel strongly about that.

That said, I also believe a supportive husband can help his wife find ways to fulfill the goal of getting an education and keeping practical and use-able skills current as appropriate along the way. The Lord can help make this happen, if we are patient and obedient to His guidance and counsel. I know that because I have experienced it, and I have been a SAHM the whole time we have had kids, but my résumé is anything but empty or filled with large gaps.

3. Education goes far beyond just a degree or diploma. Education is a life-long pursuit, and this pursuit can be both formal and informal. I sometimes hear people say that the only way to keep a résumé current is to work. This is simply not true. With or without formal education, and within and without one’s field, there will be myriad ways to keep one’s saw sharp (to borrow a Covey phrase). I have not taken a formal class for nearly a decade and a half. But I keep reading, learning, networking, talking to people in and out of my field, volunteering…. One can take a class at a time, or get practical experience an hour a week, or volunteer a day a month or work here and there, or…. Sometimes finding ways to serve and develop ourselves takes taking a step back from typical approaches, and being creative (and willing to let go of Our Way). This is possible and I think in order to fulfill our responsibilities with faith and family, that kind of creativity is more often than not a necessity, particularly for women.

Also, while life experience is harder to record on a résumé, there is much to be learned from the day-to-day stuff of life, particularly when we have an eternal perspective and understand that there is nothing mundane or ordinary in what we do. Life is an education, and we should not forget that along the way.

4. Tied to #3 is the idea that I think we should avoid thinking in binary terms. I have seen too many women think in terms of either working or being at home. There are SO MANY ways to use our time and to be of good when and if we have some time and energy to spare. We can volunteer in a million different great causes, or do family history work, or work at the temple, or help sisters in the neighborhood (I will forever be indebted to my stay-at-home sisters who could be working but instead are available to help mommies like me), or take night classes, or teach community classes, or or or…. Again, a résumé is not only built or kept current by for-pay work. And again, what we do should be about God’s will and work, not our own.

5. The Lord cares about all of this, and He will help us achieve goals in the way that will best suit us and our families and His work and plan — if we involve Him in our decision-making and are willing to seek His will and find His plan for us. I have experienced this miracle time and time again. Because there is no one-size-fits-all approach, I believe we must seek His help. The consequences of our decisions on these eternally-important issues are too significant to go it alone.

This means, however, that we might have to adjust or forgo some of our plans along the way. I will encourage my girls to vigorously pursue their goals, but always, always, to keep the need for family foremost in their minds, and always let the Lord guide, all along the way (not just in the initial decisions). I will encourage them to thus consider carefully their career choices, to leave room for options that can allow for flexibility, for entering and leaving the workforce with some ease through different stages of life. I would hate to see them choose a career that leaves them bound to professional obsoleteness if they choose to stay home full time. In my view, there are just too many choices out there that will allow for some flexibility and creativity to bind one’s self to such a rigorous career path, given what our leaders have said about our primary roles. (This is not to say that the Lord couldn’t lead one to such a rigorous choice. But I, for one, would only want to choose such a thing if I knew that was what the Lord wanted, no question. Again, I think involving the Lord is essential.)

One aside: I have heard of women who are a force for change to make that kind of flexibility more acceptable in their fields or companies. Let’s not assume that what is is what needs to be.

6. We may not always be guided to what is natural. My husband bluntly told me recently that I am much more suited to the boardroom than to motherhood. My ‘natural’ abilities are not in dealing and playing with small children. I’m not good with bodily fluids, which is a constant feature of motherhood, particularly of young children. I am not the most patient person in the world. Nevermind the fact that I LOVED my career.

But I believe in the importance of this role, and I knew that being home was what the Lord wanted me to do. And nearly a decade into it all, I can tell you that He is adding to my list of what is ‘natural’ to me. My capacity has been increased, and I believe that has come from following what I knew He wanted me to do, even when it was harder than anything I had ever done. So I plead with women to not just make decisions based on what they think they are best suited for alone, but to also discover how the Lord can magnify them, be that in the personal realm or in the professional realm. (Another story for another day is that I was led to a graduate program in something I had ruled out completely as an undergrad degree, for sheer and total lack of interest. Go figure.)

In summary, I think we cannot overlook the fact that education is important, for men and women. But I think that, generally speaking, we cannot overlook the fact that education for women is not always going to unfold in the same way or for the same reasons as it will for men, by reason of the fact that we are given different roles to fulfill. Education and career pursuits for women may take more creativity and flexibility, particularly for women who are (or will be) married and have children.

Still, these goals are important, and I believe they should be on every woman’s mind, regardless of age or stage of life. As that seed is planted, the Lord can help it grow as it should, when it should. As we put the things of the Lord first, I believe He will bless and guide and magnify and open doors. In my case, He led me to dreams I never knew I had, résumé bullets I could not have anticipated, and personal growth and change and becoming that I never would have found with my dreams alone.

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