Also, a friend recently was interviewed about her journey with her husband and children now out of the faith. She was interviewed by Hilary Weeks, if you know that name. Latter-day Saint musician.

Sharing that, too.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Mimg14h_z2g&feature=youtu.be

R,
Thank you for taking the time to share some of your experiences with walking the journey of having a spouse lose their faith/leave the Church.

I was particularly moved by that second to last paragraph about exercising faith without holding to specific outcomes — to trust God enough with it all that we can walk one step at a time and let the future be all His to care for.

There are many, many whose families don’t look like the ideal picture. I don’t know if you have ever read/listened to Jeffrey R. Holland’s “Divine Patterns, Specific Lives” from 2008, but it is a gem. (https://media.ldscdn.org/pdf/worldwide-leadership-training/2008-worldwide-leadership-training-meeting/2008-02-1000-2008-worldwide-leadership-training-meeting-eng.pdf?download=true) The prophets have to teach the ideal so it doesn’t get lost, but God will help all those — and again, there are many (consider Elder Gong’s recent statistics about how many people aren’t married…and that’s not including all those whose marriages have walked a hard, non-ideal path, such as yours).

My one piece of input, if I may give it (take or leave it), would be to both continue to keep your eyes only for each other. “Whoso looketh on a woman” and all that.

One other resource that might be helpful is Northstar. They are an organization there to help people in the Church whose lives are impacted by SSA or the SSA of a loved one. There might be some power in connecting with others who are walking this path with a family member while wanting to stay connected to their covenants and faith. https://www.northstarlds.org/ns-parents-and-family

God bless you both in this journey.

Two years after my wife stopped atending church/believing in the gospel, she also realized that she is attracted to women, it was a very gradual realization, that was another very hard trial that we went through. But we bonded closer through it though there were very scary times because there was a long time when she had the question “if im gay than can I be happy in my marriage?” with an assumption that the answer was probably not. it was very difficult for me and for her. We went to therapy, alot of therapy. I feel somewhat more distant to God these days than I would like, but I saw the hand of God during those days. There was a particular day where it seemed like everything was headed to disaster and I had the thought to call an old family friend who helped me to change course, to slow down and while we still had a long ways to go that conversation really marked a turning point for us. I really feel that God intervened that day.

Now we are feeling much more stable and were both very glad. It was hard to get where we are now. Through couples and individual therapy we’ve been able to process and work out alot, and we’ve found ways to embrace her queerness together in ways that I feel dont compromise my temple covenants -which honestly had been pretty fun and exciting. Where I had been previously very rigid in some respects I’m able to be a little looser. I can see another woman and say to my wife wow, whes hot (something I wouldn’t have even let myself think previously let alone vocalize) and her response is like, yeah she is -with a smile. We read and watch lesbian romance and typically enjoy that together, though some times that’s a bit triggering for me if there is betrayal of a husband or such involved at which point I amble to communicate that I feel upset by x and she can help me feel more assured.

I feel really blessed to be where we are now. Most of our marriage has been wonderful. Sometimes have been really hard. Reminds of that talk where the little boy says hope you we had a hard time. I feel like that sometimes.

One challenge for me now is I its hard to feel connected to the church and to the gospel when my family doesn’t look like the gospel picture that i had always envisioned. I find my self asking God to help me feel like I have a place here still. I really love the gospel and the church. My wife feels hurt in alot of ways by the church’s stance and past/current policies concerning homosexuality. I feel very conflicted at times because i feel a strong sense of loyalty to both the church and to my wife which are sometimes in conflict. in some ways I feel like i have lost part of my identity in this process as it relates to the church. I hope ill find that sens e of identiy again, I think I will. I know it can be an opportunity to grow more and not just go through the motions which is easy to do.

I really like the byu speach thy troubles to bless , where one of the key topics is that we place our faith in christ not in outcomes. When I was a missionary I once wondered whether it was possible for someone to exercise faith without a promise, or if we needed a specific promise from the Lord that we could exercise faith in. In the last few years I’ve learned that we can have faith in Christ and not in specific outcomes. We can have faith in the character of God, in his love, in his mercy and in his wisdom without knowing exactly what the next life will be like or if our spouse will ever come back to the faith. One thing that helps me is that I know that God loves us, that he wants us to be good to our spouses and to love, cherish and take care of them, and that he is merciful wise and kind.

life can be really hard sometimes but it always gets better eventually. The sun cant always be set.

Kendy,

Sorry for the delay in publishing your comments. Someone recently provided a link to a FB group, and I’ve tried to pull together a forum space but so far we haven’t been able to get it off the ground. If you want to email me at mormonwomen at gmail, I can let you know if that forum ever does get started.

I noticed that even though these couples seemed to be working out and were happy I didn’t like what the believing spouse was willing to give up in order to make it work. The church, or should I say, the gospel taught through the LDS Church is my life. This trial has actually made me hunger for more of it. I love it! I had an experience when my mother passed away when I was 17 that I will never deny and I know that the LDS Church houses the same spirit I experienced that day. I was able to study abroad at the Jerusalem Center in Israel. Another testimony building experience I will forever be grateful for. My love of the Savior and this gospel was so strengthened.

I decided to talk to a church historian who was my home teacher as a child. It was so helpful. I then decided to read Rough Stone Rolling because my husband kept throwing stuff at me that I didn’t know all the details to and knowing my husband hates reading things thoroughly because of his dyslexia I knew he had only skimmed it. I went into my studying prayerfully and I continued to take an institute class simultaneously to stay balanced. I actually loved it. It just strengthened my testimony of Joseph’s true and sincere character and his mortal faults like mine.

I then was invited by a friend to a FAIR Mormon conference that next August which sounded strange to me at first but after that conference I felt so great. They are church historians, scholars, people who have gone through faith crises, etc. who make it their goal to faithfully answer any critical questions thrown at the church. I now go every year and look so forward to it. There are some amazing podcasts on their website: fairmormon.org.

So, five years later…I still have my hard days, but many good days again. I can’t say I’m as attracted to my husband as I was when he was active in the church. We took a trip together in 2008 to the Philippines where he served and he was so happy and lit up around to these people. I will never forget that trip. It’s who I like to picture him as being. I love that someone earlier pointed out how we are all learning unconditional love and the more we move forward and love them the more Christ-like we can become. Because you know what… it’s hard guys!!!

I would like to share one scripture that I heard in a great podcast I heard. It’s what gave me the faith to keep moving on and working on our marriage. It’s 1 Corinthians 7:12-15. I love in verse 14 that it says that the husband/wife is sanctified by the wife/husband. I hope that as I grow and learn and remain strong that it will help him in the long run.

I really would love to be able to talk with some of you when I’m having a tough day. It looked like Laura above had tried to start a Facebook group but I can’t find it. Does anyone know if that ever existed? I have a few friends in the same boat that would really appreciate something like this also. I need to hear and learn about others that love the gospel and are choosing to remain faithful. Thank you all.