“One thing I’ve come to realize, though, is that setting boundaries is not an event, it is a constant. ”

Oh, yes, I hope that my comment didn’t come across as making it sound like it was something you can do and then check off a list. I’ve watched too many friends go through this process and I know how hard — and how constant — it is. But I have seen how healing can come in that process as well, and how strength grows within the abused over time as confidence grows and more clarity comes about how wrong that abuse really was. As awful as it has been to watch friends go through this, I’ve also come to believe strongly in the strength of women to face this trial and to become stronger and stronger as they reclaim their worth and perspective and power in their lives.

Thanks for your comment, Jen. I would guess it’s also better to be sick alone than sick together. It’s like that old framework of married/singlehood I saw once in order of desirability:

Healthy together/Happily married
Healthy alone/Happily single
Sick alone/Unhappily single
Sick together/Unhappily married

And I think it’s easier to heal when you are alone, if the person hurting you is your spouse.

While married I adapted very well to the abuse in our very short marriage of 4 years where 3 children were born. I developed without any notice, into a text book definition of the “battered wife syndrome” where I was the cause of all abuse and worthless. I was denigrating as a human being, just the way he wanted me to… BUT I KNEW I had MORE worth than that. After many months of weekly temple attendance and lots of prayer, it was clear I needed to get him out of my face and away from me as much of possible. I was his “drug of choice”, controlling and manipulating me was all the sustenance he needed to thrive. Because of this, recovery for me certainly has involved many things but (emotional) distance has played a huge role. There is very little if any verbal communication now. Thankfully we have other means of communicating due to email. I had to establish boundaries to keep me emotionally safe.

Another very challenging aspect of my recovery was the explicit denial of any abuse from my ex. To this day there has never been any recognition of my experience which initially proved to be very painful. There was also a pornography issue that was discovered after I filed for divorce, that addiction shed light on many of the other behavioral dysfunctions. BUT you have to move on. I completely reject the notion that I have a broken home. IT WAS already a broken home, and I FIXED it! Sure being divorced has it’s challenges and is not ideal and certainly not part of Heavenly Fathers eternal plan…..but I had to make some very hard decisions and when prompted by the spirit I knew what was to be done. We have all thrived since. I have once been called an “outliner”, meaning that “my story” lies outside the norm. I have been overwhelmingly blessed in so many ways, not sure why but I embrace any woman who leaves a toxic and abusive marriage for something more, even if it means being alone… in this case alone meant safe. It is better to be healthy alone than to be sick with someone else. Leaving was the best thing I ever did and I have gained far more from it than ever lost. I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father who sparked those feelings of self worth deep within me that had been all but squashed that ultimately gave me the courage to get out of a mean suffocating marriage.

Recovery is a life long process. There are many layers to recovery but one thing I have learned is only I can CHOOSE to give my power away, no one else can take it. In that frame of mind I am strong so when “he” tries to blow my house down (which inevitability he trys to do almost in a cyclical pattern), I can stand solid with an unflinching resolve to not let him “in”.

Best of wishes to all those in any stage of recovery. Remember the LORD is on your side.

Of course, I can’t speak for the author of this post (and I’m not sure if she will be commenting) but when I read that part of her post, I thought she was talking about doing enough to draw boundaries. So, for example, making efforts to say “this is not ok” and even being willing to end the marriage if change does not happen and/or if that feels like the right thing to do to me is more along the lines of what I felt she was talking about. (I have a hard time imagining that she has been able to have complete distance as well.)

So what I heard is more that boundaries — rather than just letting the abuse continue to happen without any action at all — can create a distance even when complete distance is not possible, such as in your situation (which I think is very common for most women who have been abused and have divorced but still have to have interaction with the abuser).

One thing I don’t want to believe about what you said, however, is that “the abuse must be distanced before healing can begin.”

I am also divorced, but I have to have frequent contact with my ex because I have two small children. There is no hope for me to be completely distanced from the abuse for at least the next 17 years, because he manipulates and uses them to get to me.

I have to believe there is a way to heal from abuse while it is still going on, even if it is still happening in only a relatively small way. If not, what hope is there?