I and my husband both went through addiction problems. We have both not had problems for over 7 years. Not sure how long just never think about it. It was before this big revolution of addiction we are seeing. I think that it helped us to understand others and our children. And how addiction and recovery both work.

I don’t remember very much or exact specifics about how we got over it or the process other then we stopped having the internet. We used the safety of our children as an excuse to not have internet. I remember being very hurt even though I had done the same thing. We are both more alike then we realize. Realizing that we are alike helped me to relate when I felt hurt and betrayed. I tried to look at it as How would I want to be treated.

He decided to be completely honest always in everything. I didn’t need to know details about the past. But any question I had, he was willing to answer. His honesty with me and knowing he wanted to stop and be better inspired me and helped us to both heal. We never went to a priesthood leader. It was through the Savior that we both changed and by sharing that we were both addicted with each other -we eventually became very close. But it took time. we pretended to be close.

In the beginning though we were distant I am sure. We lived our lives without bringing it up. We both decided to move past it. It took awhile for the healing to start. There was anger. Never openly expressed to the other but I am sure I yelled cried and screamed when no one was around. Probably for 2 months. I am sure I was bitter but didn’t want to be the one that was judgmental.

I read articles about others who had been through it but there really weren’t very many, like there are now. But I know I felt betrayed. I experienced the feelings but because I had also done it, I was able to be less judgmental and patient. But it still hurt the same. It was like How could he do that to me. Doesn’t he love me? But having been through it myself I understood that it wasn’t me- just as it wasn’t him. It was the media and addiction. It is a media set-up. And it is an addiction like all addictions. I had overcome other addictions and so had my husband. Perhaps that is why we were able to overcome this addiction. at the same time, but separately, and in our own ways. never talking to each other about it. Just working it out on our own in our own way.

If he had a problem he would say He had a problem and when and where and why. That would lead to a solution such as not being home alone. Getting a dumb phone. Things like that. Then we would keep up our fake lives. Take care of the kids, pretend and act as though we were great. And eventually the healing came. I know I probably left articles on my computer screen about addiction recovery for him to read. Which he probably never did. I didn’t want to pressure him because It might make it worse.

See I know that some things push people away. But I also want to be helpful as any woman does. So tact is very important. But so is patience. Time heals wounds. I am sure trust took probably 2 years to get back. I knew I had to leave him alone and find peace myself regardless of what he did. That was hard to do. I felt like I hated him and what he did. But at the same time I loved him and didn’t want to lose him. I thought about our children and I thought about eternal marriage.

I thought about addiction and different kinds of addiction. See all addiction is the same. It can only be overcome through Christ. This addiction is different in the fact that it blackens from the inside out. If you smoke it is an outward addiction that eats away at you from the outside and then blackens the body from the outside in damaging your spirit inside. But with pornography it is the opposite. It blackens from the inside. Your spirit darkens and then you act differently on the outside.

Learning about addiction from how I overcame things helped me. I was able to analyze different types of addiction. Understanding how pornography is made helped me a lot! Understanding the industry of it and what they do to make it attractive and addicting. How the industry makes money etc. All opened up my understanding. Those people aren’t real. Understanding how things desensitize a person is also helpful.

When I understand why I shouldn’t play violent video games, listen to bad music, watch horror shows etc. I understand about pornography. In order to protect me and my family I must do what needs to be done for safety first. Prayer is a big one in getting help. Priesthood blessings help as well. Names in temple help. Finding Peace can take time and that is o.k. Don’t jump to conclusions. take your time. Don’t make rash decisions because you are angry, hurt, etc. Give healing time. You are building a new marriage now. It will need to scab over before it heals. Sometimes some pain has to come before healing can begin.

Sometimes you have to look at it as if it were one of your children instead of your husband. A child: How would you treat them. you would want to help them. But if they get to much pressure from you then they may block you out completely. Parents walk a fine line sometimes with kids. Now relate that to your husband. You wouldn’t stop loving your child then why stop with your husband. yes sometimes boundaries half to be set. but is it your place to set them or to support them? You can only change you. But you can remind others of your love for them. Even when you are furious with them.

You are right that women also struggle with pornography addictions (although most of our traffic comes from wives of addicts, which is why our focus is there).

If you are struggling with this (and it sounds like you are), we encourage the same thing we say for wives of addicts. Get support for your own journey to healing. Find an LDS Family Support group or support forum online (such as Heart t’ Heart or LDSAR.org) to start to learn about how spouses can heal from the effects of addiction. Read the links we have shared here. It may be helpful to get a therapist who specializes in sex addiction and understands its impact on spouses and family members. And seek the support of your bishop for your own spiritual well-being.

We are sorry for what you are going through…and we also know that hope and healing is possible, thanks to all who have shared their stories and all the research we’ve done since starting to address this topic. But like we say to the wives, don’t let your healing be dependent on your wife’s choice. There is definitely hope for her, but you won’t be able to ‘make’ her choose recovery. But you can choose to work your own recovery work and learn how to allow the Savior to help you heal, regardless of what she chooses to do.

We, the founders of InnerGold are LDS and licensed therapists. We know what is working to find healing. I just want to make you aware of another option that many Bishops and Stake Presidents are using to help their ward family. You can learn more about InnerGold at http://pornstinks.com

I will gladly answer any questions you may have, just fill out our contact form. Again, I am just letting you know about something that is healing many families. We are located in Utah County.

Our heart goes out to all of the spouses that are dealing with the affects of porn. One thing that you need to understand is that it is not to late to find healing for your self. For a lot of individuals, it is not to late for your family and your marriage. We have the tools that will help you.

Our prayers go out to you.

Porn Stinks – Help for Latter-day Saints Struggling with Pornography